just finished chatting with her online. it was just a nice chat.. have not chatteed with her online for a very long time after she started school. felt very emotional when chatting with her just now. told me that she had more joy than tears when she was with me. couldnt control myself when she said that n i teared again.. in fact, i still am crying now. i dont know, but i just felt so useless, that i cant even give her all the happiness she needs. i was such a bad boyfriend, to give her so many problems. was very very touched when she said she said that. the memories of the happy times we once had together came back into my mind and its like i can see them right in front of my eyes. those times when we went out together for meals, to watch movies or even simply to just study, when she was smiling and laughing. the image of her smiling and laughing is still so vivid and so real in my mind, like as if she is right here beside me at that moment. miss her lying on my shoulders so much. can still remember her saying they are so comfortable. told her then that my shoulders will only be left for her to lie on only and no other girls will ever lie on them except her. this is true in the past and it always will be. my shoulders are only meant for her.. her and only her only.. now what's left are just memories of the past. what the future holds is really a big mystery.. i dont even dare to think that far out. i just think about tomorrow at the most now. when people talk about what will be happening or what will take place next month, what they are going to do in march or april, or on this date or that date, i just dont share the same enthusiasism with them anymore. it all look so far and distant away. it felt as if i will never reach those days or dates ever. dont know how to explain that feeling but i just feel like i dont know if i can make it to those days or not. everyday is so slow, so lonely and so void of life for me. life will never be the same again.. that is something i know i have to try to accept.. goodnight everybody..

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today's another boring and horrible day.. firstly, forgot to take chopsticks for lunch. good thing managed to get a fork if not have to skip lunch le. next, topic of discussion was rejected by the tutor. so irritating and pissed.. then was late for the home visit again. good thing the adults didnt say anything this time.. haiz.. n the worst thing is, got so giddy and felt so faint during the visits. dont even know why also.. sux sux sux.. but at least there is 1 gd thing that happened today. i got to talk to her on the phone again after lessons. that's the best thing today.. to be able to talk to her.
talking to her online in msn right now. was talking bout her baking cookies on valentine's day.. the cookies she baked are really very nice.. haiz.. valentines' day.. in exactly 2 weeks time. it was on valentine's day last yr that i got to know her name.. yah i know its very silly. seen her for 1 month le then got to know her name. what a stupid guy.. also got to know her hp num on valentine's day last yr as well when she called me.. tot that we can spend valentine's day together but guess i was wrong.. things are just so unexpected in life.. guess valentine's day will be spent alone again this year.
feeling rather sad right now. she said she forgot what she wished for for her birthday wish last year. guess she wants to move on and wanted to forget the past. dont blame her. i gave her so much hurt, sorrow and trouble last year. its all my fault.. only got myself to blame... only myself..

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

i was right. today is a rather good day. well, in a way actually. its not 100% nice. finished my tutorial due next week today, although i took like 2 to 3 hours to do so. in the end, went out late. wanted to gout at 2pm but in the end, went out at 530pm instead. but by doing so, i managed to pack dinner before going out. in this way, i dont have to rush back by 830pm to pack dinner. i can slowly take my time to go out. went to chinatown to see the chinese new year stuff there. as usual, its super crowded. sad thing is that i went there alone while most people went in pairs or with their family. haiz.. how i wish she was there with me. already though of wanting to go chinatown with her last year. thought that i will be able to but things just turn out not the way you wanted everytime. wanted to talk to her online but in the end, she cant come online as its already very late. looks like its going to be another lonely night alone. think maybe i will go to bed early tonight.
well, today is quite a 'balanced day' i thought. i did my work, i went out, and as usual, the crying and tearing. think this will be a part of my daily life from now on. i just cant stop myself from tearing. it just came so naturally. haiz.. why am i so emotional? is it a bad or good point to be so emotional and to put so much feelings into things? it would have been a day which is better than other days if i had not tat stupid bad chest pain again. so irritating to come while i was shopping and looking at things in chinatown. so pain and uncomfortable, totally spoiling the mood to shop and look around. also didnt dare to tell her as i was scared that she will be angry again. dont want her to worry bout me or to live in fear for me anymore. i had cause her enough problems, trouble, sorrow, hurt and tears. i have let her down so many times and its time i stop doing so.....

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just finished talking to her on the phone. she sounded sleepy and her voice was so cute and so sweet. have not heard this cute voice of hers for a very long time and how i missed it. today got to hear it again. it felt as if today is going to be a nice and wonderful day, with only one exception, that things are not what they used to be like in the past, that sundays are no longer the same as sundays in the past. can still remember the first sunday i went out with her alone, to meet her and to go photocopy the map for the hike. that was 49 weeks ago and how time files. its been almost 1 year.. haiz...
was talking to her online yest also. told me that she was living in fear for me. didnt know that i caused her to live in fear. though her bday isnt here yet, she already had a bday wish and hope that i can fulfill it for her. i really hope that i can fulfill it this time, since i didnt make her bday wish last year come true. really feel very bad about it, that i cant even fulfill her wish. i'm so useless.. will i ever get things done and fulfilled? will i?

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

got to meet her to pass the scouts notes to her this afternoon. she raised her voice at me and was sort of quite angry when she called me, knowing that i took a cab to meet her. well i dont blame her. she isnt in a good mood afterall. and she was a bit angry with her member. although i have a lecture at 330pm, i cant possibly let her stay there alone by herself. glad that i did as she felt better after which, i thought. it probably isnt because of me staying that she felt better but at least i stayed with her so that she wont feel so lonely. well, i wasnt late for my lecture afterall. guess today is my lucky day. but dozed off in the cab ob the way to lecture though. must be because i only slept 2 hours yest. hope that i can get a good 'sleep' tonight. maybe by not sleeping yest, i can get a good rest tonight, a rest without nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night tearing. if this method works, i guess that is what i will do then.

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why am i still up at this late hour? studying? haha.. on the surface yes, but actually, the truth is not so. do you consider this as studying if you took 20 plus minutes to read a page of the textbook? i dont think so.. that's what i am doing now. reading a few words before my thoughts went wild, thinking of other things again. not able to concentrate on studying and yet also refuse to sleep yet as sleeping so early only cause me to have more nightmares. had enough of them. had more nightmares this past 43 days alone than my entire 22 years of life added together. not only unable to concentrate on studying but feeling so very tired also. not sleepy but tired. hands are weak, trembling and sort of numb. could it be because of my studying posture? hmm... cannot be.. nothing seems to be wrong with my posture.. maybe the resaon is partly because i'm cold, or partly probably because of my fast heartbeat. for some reason, my heartbeat has been so irregular i thought. beating so super fast at times, sometimes so faint. could this be a heart fibrillation? hmm... good question. i dont know either.. haha.. waiting for time to tick slowly by until the moment i cant keep my eyelids up. then it will be the start of another boring and lonely day. actually it has already started but day break are usually associated with the start of a new day. 3.5 more hours and it will be daybreak. can still remember so vividly how i used to wake up at 515 in the morning on sat, to wash up and take the first bus down to her place to go to school for her extra lessons on sat morning together. not only sat but also on some tuesday, wednesday and friday, where i wake up early to meet her and walk her to school together, having a nice little chat along the way. those days are gone. should have walked her to school every single day that i can make it when i still could at that time. now i have no chance to do so even if i want to. i hate weekdays, sometimes even weekends so much now. everyday is now so boring and lonely for me. at least there is still one slightly a bit comforting thing and it is that tomorrow, or should i say now, is sat. i used to love sat so much. although not so much now as compared to the past, i still quite like it as i may be able to see her on only sat. at least i dont hate it as much as the other days, although i do hate it at times, just like tomorrow when the day is filled with a disgusting thing, which is me have to go for that idiotic maths make-up lecture. it sucks isnt it? lecture on a sat afternoon, FROM 330pm to 530pm.. how worse can the day get right, you may be asking. of course the day can get worse, why not? when a person is at his lowest point in life, anything and everything can go wrong for him. take me for example. forgot to bring my wallet out today, not understanding the lectures, burst the pimple on my nose, resulting in a bad bleeding and worse still, got to know 4.5 hours ago that she wont be going for meeting tomorrow. cant get any worse? haha.. you're wrong.. she cant make it not only for tomorrow, but also for the next 3 weeks.. that means that i wont be able to see her for almost 1 month plus.. sat is the only day when i can get to see her but now, i cant see her for 1 month plus.. dont know how am i going to get past this 1 month of not seeing her. last time i saw her was on tues and that seems so long ago and i can barely take it and now 1 month.. of course things are different and no longer the same anymore and people and especially her will tell me to move on etc etc etc.. heard that so many times and if i could, i wont be what i am now. common sense right? i'm not at the state whereby i dont have any logical reasoning or thinking yet. i'm still sane, but not much though, but since i can think of it, you people out there definitely can also. chicken feet for all of you.. "chuck chuck".. haha..

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

as usual, feeling very very down again.. in fact, was tearing again. dont know will there ever be a day when i can dont cry anymore. i wish i can stop but i cant seem to be able to. everybody ask me to try harder but this pressure and stress is getting too much for me to bear, just like what another friend said. i have to relieve this pressure but i dont know how to. feel that i am really losing my mind and sanity and the future seems so bleak to me. dont think i will ever forget her or get her out of my mind or life. i'm into this too deep, to a point where there is no return for me. never ever love a girl so much and felt this way for her before. no doubt i had a few crushes in my sec school and jc and was heart-broken when i didnt get to be together with them. was devastated then but soon the sadness disappeared. i didnt even cry over it then. those are just puppy love and passing love. this time, things are very very different. i know this is definitely not puppy love. my love for her is true, genuine love, not just a passing by love. gave my everything, my 100% of care, attention into this relationship. but things are just not meant to be i guess. maybe i am destined to be unable to have a girlfriend or a relationship. nonetheless, i'm glad that at least, i once had some happy times together with her, know the feeling of truly being in love, even if it is to be that i suffer for it now, for the rest of my life. i know that i will never ever be able to be back to what i was like in the past. deep down my heart, i know that this wound will never heal and by being unable to heal, i will probably pay for it with everything. all the feelings of missing her, tearing everyday, being in a daze is starting to get a toll on me, on my sanity, my health, my life, my schoolwork, my everything. its not that i dont want to pick myself up again. i've promise her not to hurt myself and i will keep to my promise this time. know that i have broken my promise once and cant be trusted but this time, i am really trying very hard to keep to my promise. really dont know how much longer i can take this. but whatever happens to me in the future, be in me losing my mind, or my life or my future, i wont blame her and i hope people will not blame her as well. it really wasnt her fault. if someone is to be blamed, then i am the one to be blamed for everything. i am the cause of all these. i should have known right from the beginning that there is a chance that we wont possibly be together but i still went ahead to love her, more and more with each passing day, to the point that she is my everything, with my world revolving around her. should have controlled my feelings last year and restrained myself but i didnt. in a way, feelings of the heart cant be restrained. and now that she has broken up with me, i am feeling the greatest pain ever. even so, i did not regret my actions or what i did. loving her and being together with her was the greatest thing and best thing that has ever happened in my life. sad you may think, that this is actually the best thing in my life, but yes, having a relationship with her once was the best thing in my life and i thank god for it. for letting me know her, love her and to be together with her once, for leeting such a wonderful and sweet girlfriend to come into my . even if i were to lose my mind or die from this, i still will not regret the decision i made 9 months ago. only regret i have is me unable to accept her religion and to spend the rest of my life together with her. she is the 1st girl whom i love so deeply and it will always remain this way. even if her love for me dies out as time pass by, mine for her will never be. even if it is to be that i never recover from this wound or how painful it gets, i will still love her forever. my relationship with her once will be the 1st and last relationship i have, and she will be the last girl i love. i made this promise and vow in the past and i will not break it.

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

finally finished my 10 hours of lessons today. what a terrible day. didnt have any breaks at all throughout the day. haiz.. at least the comforting thing is that i got to talk to her for about 30 plus minutes after lessons ended. although not much compared to the past, it was enough to lift my spirits up a bit. really missed her so much during the day, every single day. it was so comforting to be able to receive her sms in the middle of the lectures of tutorials, when it was so boring and torturing. today is probably one of the very very few rare times when i can get to talk to her. other times, she will be very busy already and chances to talk will be so little. dont know how to get past those days when i cant get to hear her voice or sms her. she's having a very bad ulcer in her mouth and its causing her a lot of pain and i feel so bad that i cant do anything about it. painful it may be, but what i can do now is only just to ask her how she is everyday and pray for her that it will heal soon so that her pain will end fast.
haiz.. days are so lonely without her. really feel so cold, so dark and so lonely without her. miss her and thinking of her so much all the time. feelings are uplifeted when talking to her but after she hang up, i feel so sad again. was so reluctant to hang up the phone just now but i have no choice. felt even worse when i went back to my room cos this place reminded me of the times when we used to study together. totally no mood to do any tutorials or to study at all. just like yesterday, although tutorials are piling up to a mountain, when i came back at 415, i just cant start any work and broke down every now and then, all the way till 9. haiz.. maybe i shld study elsewhere and come back only to sleep. but i miss this room also. ahhh.... really going crazy and i mean crazy. am i going to lose my mind soon? thought i heard voices scolding and talking to me. hope its my imagination.. if its not, why bother also..

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

Sharon,
i know you find me the most selfish, most unloving person in the world. you may think that this is not love, that i dont love you, that what i said are all lies. i cant stop or control how you feel towards me. its your free will to think whatever you like. what i can say is that my love for you has been real and true ever since the day i told you i love you on 18 april last year. god can be witness to my love for you. i have never cheated on you, be unfaithful to you and what i said to you are all true and from the bottom of my heart. i have never lied to you about me loving you. it doesnt matter if you think otherwise but my conscience is clear and it will never be brought down. what i am doing is not trying to gain sympathy from you so that you will come back to me, if thats what you think. i know no matter what i do, how much i do, you wont be touched and will not come back to me and you wont want me to do anything for you either. the reason why i am doing this is because i really cant take it anymore. i tried to move on, to get back again but i just fail and fail and fail again. every single day has been so hard for me to get by. now and then, things will remind me of the past, remind me of you. tried not to think of them but they just appear so naturally, as if they appeared on purpose according to some plans. the very fact of knowing that you will not come back to me now and possibly not in the future also just rub more and more salt on my open wound. i want to wait for you but i dont know if i can really do so, to wait 3 years when 1 day is already so torturing for me, breaking down in tears every now and then. and when i tried to talk to you, you just treat me so meaningly, hurting me even so much more. when i didnt want to tell you the reason for not seeing the doc, you keeping asking me to tell you and i did in the end. everytime you ask me to tell you something, i did tell you. if i didnt, you will sort of get angry. but when i asked you to repeat what you said, you just refused. and by the time you want to say it, you will say you have forgotten it. stopped cutting my wrist yest when you told me to stop and when i asked you if i can just meet you for a while only, you just refused. is it really something that is highly forbidden, that you cant meet up for a short while, for a chat along the way, that you must say there is no reason to meet, so meanly and coldly? though you agreed to it in the end, i can sense that you are very unhappy and unwilling. you dont allow me to kill myself, to end my misery and you dont allow me to meet you. even if it is to see you just for a minute, i feel so much better. why are you so mean to me? i dont understand n i dont blame you for that. i only blame myself, that i have a hard life, that wo ming ku.. what i did yest is to want to end this, not to 'force' you to come back to me. i really cant take it, living this type if life everyday. my world has really crumbled. its not that i dont want to move on. i have really tried. i really tried to get pass this so that i can show you that i'm not a failure like you think i am and so that you will come back to me again next time, if i can make it. but in the end, i still failed and still remained as a failure and good for nothing, selfish, possesive and obsessive person in your eyes. i may be possesive in the past but not now. last time i just want to make sure you are ok and not hurt and want to take care of you all the time but i overdid it. now i'm not trying to possess you again, to make you come back to me again cause i know you wont. its really not what you think it is but whether you believe it or not is up to you. if you dont believe it then nevermind. it doesnt matter what you or other people view me as. i've really failed so terribly in life to actually degrade to such a level, to be such a person in your eyes and i got only myself to blame for it. guess you prob are still angry with me so i dont think i will write any much more. already written a lot. and since i have already promised you not to cut my wrist again, i will not do it, as much as possible. want to end off by saying that i dont blame you and am not angry with you for thinking that what i said are all lies, that i dont love you. i'm just disappointed and upset and at the same time, angry with myself that i actually made you feel this way when the truth is the opposite of what you thought. dont think i will ever be able to express what i truly felt in my heart in my entire life. think i have said what i wanted to say so i will end off here.. take care..
dominic

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

haha. never knew i can be so artistic and that cutting the wrist can be so fun. seeing the blood ooze out of the many many cuts, forming such a nice pattern. cool isnt it? it wasnt even painful anymore. the knife and saw of the swiss army knife can be such great art tools when u know how to use them.
finally got to know also what she really felt about me, the type of person i am to her in her heart. i am the worst human being and friend ever possible in the whole wide world, telling lies all the time, threatening to kill myself so that she can come back to me. although i didnt want to be just friends with her and that i want to be together with her again very very much, i have never ever. thought of using the threat to kill myself to get her back. cant believe she thought that way. was so heart-broken when she said that, along with her saying i do not love her, that this is not love but possesion and obsession. all that i did are all just lies and actings to her, selfish acts to her. afterall this while, she actually doubted my love for her, after all that i have done for her. and she still said she never doubted my love for her at all.. and that i have no patience? lol... yah. i have no patience indeed. i'm also the most impatient person in the world. so many titles to my name.. cool.. haha.. why must heaven play such a cruel prank on me? isnt this too big a joke?! all the while i still thought she really meant what she said, that she will never lie, even though she broke the promises she made. even still, i believed her that she truly meant what she promised. but now, i realise that i was wrong, wasnt i? you just said your true feelings just now, didnt you?
know you are very very extremely tired. guess i will never know what you said just now again. although you said you will tell me on sat, but on sat itself, you will say that you have forgotten what you have said. not the 1st time this happened so its ok. when you refused to repeat it and said you will tell me on sat, i know in my heart i will never know it again. you prob would even have forgotten it tomorrow. i dont want you to fast for me. you dont have to suffer for me. want you to have your proper meals. i've cause you enough pain, sorrow, tears, hurt and fatigue. thanks for letting me know the person i am.. as from now on, i will try not to shed any more tears. dont think i have any much tears left to shed. shld be shedding blood instead of tears, as the saying goes. only blood, and not tears, as much as possible, will be shed....
goodnight...

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what a nice thing to know, to actually hear from the person you love that she dont feel like talking to you and unless you become rational again, not to talk to her. we cant even sustain a conversation now, just keeping silence whenever we talked on the phone. haha.. never thought we will come to this point that we dont even have anything to talk about or that she dont feel like talking to me. even when she said it so clearly already i still want to talk to her, making myself so thickskin and getting criticised by her like as if i worse than dirt. she's right about this. i'm no longer what i am and she certainly has the right to feel not wanting to talk to me and that she dont like the person she is talking to. i'm sorry sharon.. know you will say no need to apologise but i still have to say it.. dui bu qi...

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ahhh... why am i like this? what's happening to me? i'm really going crazy already. why why why? on one hand i want to end all my agony but yet on the other hand, i dont want to leave her behind. i just cant bear to leave her. not that i afraid of dying and that what i said are all not real. i'm not afraid to die. there's nothing left for me anymore so, even if i die, its no big deal. but its just that i really cant bear to not be able to see her or talk to her anymore. although she is treating me this way, not wanting to talk to me, angry with me, i still love her a lot, as much as the past, if not more. when she didnt want to talk to me this morning and said all those things to me, i was so hurt and upset. at that moment, felt that there is really no reason left in this world for me to live when even she is refusing to talk to me and treating me so meanly. wanted to end my life and not to answer her calls and reply her sms anymore. then her reply came in at about 840am. didnt want to reply it as i really wanted to just end it once and for all. but after a while, i cant bear to not reply her sms and i did reply her, almost an hour later. at that moment, i cant bring myself to leave her. but by doing so, i know i am torturing myself longer, and i know that she will still continue to be angry with me and treat me this way. what i'm doing is seeking pain for myself. i'm really at a total loss now, not knowing what to do, not bearing to do what i want to do. i'm on the verge on breaking down soon. emotionally, i've already broken down and soon it will be mentally and physically. everybody say i am the only one who can bring myself out of this and no one else can help me. even she said so herself, asking me to wake up, be more sensible and rational and to get back again. i'm no longer what i used to be anymore. i'm now a person who has lost all his senses and thinking. i dont even know what i am doing or what i want to do. when i set my mind to do something and to end all these suffering, my emotions for her get into the way and stop me from doing so. why is heaven stopping me from dying? and why aren't i stronger than this to overcome this unwillingness to leave her and to end this agony? i cant find an answer. i really wish to know the answer. i dont know how much longer i can last also. maybe i'm supposed to let this misery end naturally, and not by myself. maybe at that time, when death occurs naturally, i can get past this stage. even if i cant, i wont be able to do anything also. all will be over at that time. how i really hate myself for being what i am, for being so emotional, for being so xin luan, for not being xin heng a bit to not care about her feelings and just leave her behind.. why cant i be like her, say dont want to talk really mean dont want to talk, decide on something, really mean insistent about it and not changing her mind. dont call, dont sms and dont bother about me. tried to end my life but in the end still didnt, didnt want to reply her sms but still did so in the end, didnt want to call her so that i wont feel the unwillingness to leave her behind but eventually, still cant control myself and called her the first thing i finished my lessons just now because i miss her so much and want to talk to her so badly. why am i so weak? why must heaven create me to be such an emotional and weak person. why make me to be a person who is so faithful and place so much importance on feelings and emotions? this is not a blessing nor is it a good value like what people say it is. its a CURSE. the more 'chi qing' or emotional a person is, the more trouble and pain he will experience. why must i be chosen to suffer this fate and to have such characters? why? i hate these characters. i hate these weaknesses.... I HATE MYSELF!!

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woke up early to want to sms her and to just talk to her on the phone. but her replies were kust short replies of a single or a few words. then when i called her, shr rejected my call, saying that obviously she is still angry. so afterall, this is what i am going to get in the end, not able to sms or talk to you. isn't this just so nice? being teated in such a way? haha.. how much nice can life get? living such a life, zuo ren zuo dao zhe yang shi bai, might as well dont live anymore right? what's the point of living when one dont even have the dignity or the very basics self respect of the individual? i have neither now. i'm now making myself stoop so low, making myself so thick skin, so not ashamed of myself, letting her scold me and treat me this way like dirt and with no dignity of a human being. its alright anyway, since i'm already dead long time ago. i'm just a walking corpse now, a zombie. life is so pointless this way. not only did i lose the person i love, she dont even want to talk to me anymore, because she is angry. what reason do i have to continue living? i've already wanted to end all this agony last month but she is the one who stopped me, only to treat me this way. maybe i shld really just be insistent with my decision. like what she said, she'll never forgive me anyway. since that's the case, why even bother to live on when life has lost all its value and meaning to me. think i shld really not wake up in the morning anymore. in this way, she wont have to be angry with me anymore as i wont be there to make her angry again early in the morning and i dont have to have the humiliation of being treated with no dignity, although i already dont have one. maybe i shld try hyperventilation.. it sounds quite interesting.. hopefully it works. will try till it works, which i'm think it will eventually. there are cases of it working before.. haha.. goodnight people.. sweetdreams to one and all..
sorry for making you angry all the time.. hopefully this will be the last time.. sorry...

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woke up early to want to sms her and to just talk to her on the phone. but her replies were kust short replies of a single or a few words. then when i called her, shr rejected my call, saying that obviously she is still angry. so afterall, this is what i am going to get in the end, not able to sms or talk to you. isn't this just so nice? being teated in such a way? haha.. how much nice can life get? living such a life, zuo ren zuo dao zhe yang shi bai, might as well dont live anymore right? what's the point of living when one dont even have the dignity or the very basics self respect of the individual? i have neither now. i'm now making myself stoop so low, making myself so thick skin, so not ashamed of myself, letting her scold me and treat me this way like dirt and with no dignity of a human being. its alright anyway, since i'm already dead long time ago. i'm just a walking corpse now, a zombie. life is so pointless this way. not only did i lose the person i love, she dont even want to talk to me anymore, because she is angry. what reason do i have to continue living? i've already wanted to end all this agony last month but she is the one who stopped me, only to treat me this way. maybe i shld really just be insistent with my decision. like what she said, she'll never forgive me anyway. since that's the case, why even bother to live on when life has lost all its value and meaning to me. think i shld really not wake up in the morning anymore. in this way, she wont have to be angry with me anymore as i wont be there to make her angry again early in the morning and i dont have to have the humiliation of being treated with no dignity, although i already dont have one. maybe i shld try hyperventilation.. it sounds quite interesting.. hopefully it works. will try till it works, which i'm think it will eventually. there are cases of it working before.. haha.. goodnight people.. sweetdreams to one and all..

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woke up early to want to sms her and to just talk to her on the phone. but her replies were kust short replies of a single or a few words. then when i called her, shr rejected my call, saying that obviously she is still angry. so afterall, this is what i am going to get in the end, not able to sms or talk to you. isn't this just so nice? being teated in such a way? haha.. how much nice can life get? living such a life, zuo ren zuo dao zhe yang shi bai, might as well dont live anymore right? what's the point of living when one dont even have the dignity or the very basics self respect of the individual? i have neither now. i'm now making myself stoop so low, making myself so thick skin, so not ashamed of myself, letting her scold me and treat me this way like dirt and with no dignity of a human being. its alright anyway, since i'm already dead long time ago. i'm just a walking corpse now, a zombie. life is so pointless this way. not only did i lose the person i love, she dont even want to talk to me anymore, because she is angry. what reason do i have to continue living? i've already wanted to end all this agony last month but she is the one who stopped me, only to treat me this way. maybe i shld really just be insistent with my decision. like what she said, she'll never forgive me anyway. since that's the case, why even bother to live on when life has lost all its value and meaning to me. think i shld really not wake up in the morning anymore. in this way, she wont have to be angry with me anymore as i wont be there to make her angry again early in the morning and i dont have to have the humiliation of being treated with no dignity, although i already dont have one. goodnight people.. sweetdreams to one and all..

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

she is still angry with me for not seeing a doctor. dont blame her for being angry with me. i never did blame her. can only blame myself, my fate, my life and heaven for being so unfair and cruel to me. never did i did anything to cheat on her or dui bu qi ta but yet it must make me suffer this way, by seperating us after all that i've done. and now, i even have to suffer this failing health? even if it is unfair to me, at least i'm already very happy to know that she is still concerned of me, worried about my health. even if it is just worried of me as a normal friend, i am also happy already. she prob will be worried bout all her friends ba and now, i'm one of them. by right there's nothing to be exceptionally very happy about since she will be to all her friends but somehow, i still feel glad in my heart. i'm sorry that i let her down, making her angry by refusing to do something about my health. hope that she can forgive me for taking this gamble and using my life as a stake. i've already lost so many many countless times in my life so i want to see if i will still lose this time, or will there will be a miracle this time that i will win and get my wishes and dreams fulfilled. when a person has nothing, he has nothing to lose. that is what i am now. i've got nothing to lose anymore.
wonder if it is heaven's will again that her keypad must spoil at this period of time, when i want to talk to her the most, when i need her the most. now that her keypad is down, i cant get to sms her. i wont be able to receive any replies from her when i sms her. its exactly just like last year when she went for her holiday trip. dont know when i will be able to sms her and receive her replies again. hope her phone will be ok soon, if not i dont think i can take it, living each now, without her, without getting to chat with her. if that happens, its worse off living and i rather die than live in this way. if i can say it out, i can definitely do it.. that's for sure. hope that she wont do anything to hurt herslf, like she said she would and was on fri night. its not worth it, sweetheart.. goodnight, sleep tight and have a good rest tonight. going to be a start to a new week for you.. sweetdreams... =)

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"How can u jus leave me behind? U r so cruel..." this this what she asked on fri night. think i really want to leave her behind? i dont want to either. its she who left me, causing my world to crumble, and to realise and that what i felt all these years is true. dont know if there is any meaning to her question but i doubt so since she already said so on sat afternoon. she asked me today why dont i go to the doctor? haha.. why dont i go to the doctor? what can i say? i'm sick of everything, sick of life, pissed and unhappy with my fate, my destiny. dont understand why is heaven so cruel to me, why is life so unfair to me. since young, life has always been unfair to me. what ever i do, no matter how much effort i put in into doing something i want, i do not get the results and reap what i sow. people always say hard work pays but that never seems to apply to me. no matter how hard i work, how much i study for my o and a level and prelims, i do not get the results i want. why is heaven so unfair to me? always thought that nothing good will ever happen in my life until i met her and was together with her. at that time, i felt that that heaven is good to me after all, for giving me such a beautiful, sweet, loving and caring girlfriend. put in my everything for her, taking care of her, making sure she is ok and not hurt. really worked very hard in develpoing and maintaining this relationship because i love her very much and want to be with her forever and fulfill all the dreams we had. and in the end, did not get what i wished for and worked so hard for. she still left me in the end. why dont she give me another chance or give us another chance? cant we really be together? just because we have different religion? there are so many couples who married a partner of another race or another religion also. cant i attend service with her and get to understand her religion with her, and be with her? why must she insist that we cant be together just because we are of different religion? thought that we will really be together, that she really meant what she promised. why did she break them? as usual, i did not get what i work so hard for again. and then now, although i tried to eat healthily, lead healthy lifestyle, i still got all these pains here and there. life is so very unfair to me. what did i do wrong that i must be made to suffer this way? since heaven wants me to suffer this way, i shall play along. i have nothing more to lose anymore. i shall take this gamble with my life as the stake and see what will happen, whether heaven is really so cruel, to make me suffer and never to get what i want. if i am meant to suffer this way, so be it. this is the reason why i refuse to go to the doctor. now do you understand? i want to challenge heaven. i want to challenge my fate, my destiny... wo bu fu... all i want is to be with the girl i love. why cant i even get this simple wish? and why must i be made to suffer all this pain, all this agony and misery? why must fate seperate us? am i really destined to spend my life alone? i still cant accept the fact that she left me. i hate my fate.. i refuse to accept this.. this is not fair... i refuse to give in.. i will not go to see the doctor. i want to see what is installed for me, even if it means i fail. that doesnt matter anyway also since i have lost the only girl i loved most in my 22 years of life.. you may think that i am crazy, playing with my life and risking it. life is cruel and unfair anyway. wo shou gou le.. and since you say that you dont know and ask me to take it as no chance anymore, so i might as well take this gamble, play along and see what is the outcome. but what i do hope is that somehow, heaven can be kind and good to me this time and grant me my wish. i really love her a lot and want to spend my life with her. but if that is my destiny that i will never get what i wish for and that i lose this gamble, i have no choice but to accept it then. i have nothing to say then but to ren ming...

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she just told me over msn just now that she hope i can share her joy and tears down the road. that sentence made me tear although i did not tell her that. how i wish i can share her joy and tears with her too. really wish i can do so not as a normal friend but as her boyfriend, like what i used to be 1 month plus ago. dont know if i got the chance or time to do so and wait or not. its not that i do not want to wait but its a 3 year wait at least. if i can, of course i will but if i cant, then its just that i'm fated not able to be with her. if i can, i also dont know how am i going to pass these 3 years like that. everyday is just so difficult for me to get pass. and soon, she will be getting very busy with her schoolwork and church and time for me to sms her, talk to her on the phone or over msn will be even lesser. at that time, i wonder how am i going to survive days like this. i dont deny that i am overly dependent on her and that i have made her my everything, my world revolving around her when we were together. and because of that, i feel the worse pain and hurt of all. everybody say that its my fault that i made my world revolve around her, making her so important in my life that she is the top priority in everything and so when she left me, i was hurt very very badly but i do not regret doing so. i never did. getting to know her and love her and be with her for close to 8 months is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my life. although everybody ask me to look for another girl, saying that she did not deserve my love and care as she hurt me, that i did not let her down but its her who let me down, i felt that it is me who has let her down. i was the one who made her feel suffocated, pressurised, and all the troubles she had. it was i who had hurt her. now i guess its payback time for all the hurt, pain, pressure and trouble that i had caused her for the close 8 months we were together. think i gave her more tears than joy when we were together and i'm very sorry for that. even if it is to be that i cant survive past this period of time when she is no longer by my side and that this will cost me my life, i still will not regret it. only thing that i will regret is that i did not manage to keep her by my side and fulfill the dreams we had together. that is my biggest regret in life, not being able to even secure the love of my life, letting her remain by my side forever and fulfill the dreams we had. i feel so useless, not even able to do this properly. seriously dont know how to get past each coming day now. really miss so many things of her. her hug, her smile and laughter, looking at her beautiful eyes and everything about her. wanted to do so many things with her again, things like watching movies together like how we used to do so, holding her close to me and protecting her etc, but its just not possible. this missing of her, this wish and desire and the thinking of the times we had together once is sucking the very life she gave me when we were together out of me. maybe its time that it return to its rightful owner. it had already stayed with me for such a long period of time. and if i do make it 3 years later like she said, maybe more maybe less, hopefully she can give me this life again. by then i dont know what i will be but i really do hope and wish that this can come true and that it wont take too long a time. i dont have any much left anyway. i will hold on and for as long as i can until the day i cant do so anymore. when that time and day is here, i will be able to be with her forever and ever already.....

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today is 23jan, sunday, another day which i wake up crying. just cant control myself. the feeling is too much for me to bear.. how time really flies. expressed my feelings toward her exatly 41 weeks ago, on a sunday afternoon. from that sunday on, my life was filled with hope, happiness and blissfulness. everyday and everything is so perfect, so wonderful with her around. still remember how we used to go to the gym or to swim on sundays. but life is always so unexpected. who could have predicted what will happen in the future? thought that we will always be together forever but i was wrong. 11 more weeks and it would have been our 1st year anniversary. was looking forward to that day so much and i even had a plan to celebrate this special day with her. but now, the plan will never be carried out. there wont be anymore 1st year anniversary or any other anniversaries anymore. all the significant and special dates will just remain as a part of me, occupying a space in my brain, heart and memory, never to happen again. sundays and everyday is just so very different without her anymore. to speak the truth, i still could not believe and accept the fact that she has left me. looking at all her photos, recalling all the times we had together in the past just bring me the tears every single day. i miss her so much so much. my heart cried out in pain every single moment, every single day this past 1 month plus. everyday has been a torture for me, having me to wake up in the morning to go through all the pain of knowing that today will be another day where i gave lost her, another day of missing her so much and yet i cant do anything, another day of misery where i cant seem to concentrate on any other things but think of her and miss her uncontrollably, another day where i know she will not come back to me no matter how i try. i know i cant control my emotions and have let it control me. maybe this is what leads to my downfall. really wish that i wont wake up anymore so that i dont have to go through this pain of knowing every single day that no matter what, she will not come back to me, the pain of missing her. this feeling is very very unbearable. wanted to end everything but why is it that she must stop me and even threaten to hurt herself? why is it that i have to go through all this misery? cant i just end it earlier, since its very prob going to anyway. know that she threatened to hurt herself is only to stop me from doing so. being a rational girl, she will definitely not to do so. you've got a bright future ahaead of you so please dont do anything to hurt yourself, or to get back at me. its not worth it. you still have to show your parents that they did not lose a daughter but instead gained a filial daughter right? furthermore, you still got to achieve what you aim to achieve. that's the reason why you left me so you must achieve those aims u set for yourself. as for me, i have nothing to look forward to, nothing to aim for. what i aimed for will never be achieved anyway. maybe it will, at least 3 years later like you have said, but i dont think i will have that time either. knowing that she still love me is good enough for me. at least, all the dreams we talked about will always be remembered in my heart, never forgotten, even though i will not have the chance to fulfill those dreams. this thought is the worst pain no doubt but nothing will change this fact. she is determined this time and this is really the end of everything.. just say that i'm not fated to be with her forever ba.. maybe right from the start it never is. fate is such an amazing thing. it can bring you together and can bring you apart. whatever it is, i can only blame it on my ill-fated life, destined to be alone and miserable till the day i leave this world.
a very true quote which i experience myself: "LIFE IS NEVER FAIR". it has never ever been. sometimes, you just dont reap the rewards or fruits for whatever hardwork you've sowed. sometimes, the more you put in, the more you lose something or dont get the things you want. by having a healthy lifestyle, eating healthily, exercising regularly doesnt mean you will be healthy. you still will get very very sick, your body still falls apart with pains everywhere. you put in your whole heart and everything into a relationship but you end up hurt. on the contary, its those people who fool around, not faithful to their partner, who still are maintaining their relationships well. how more unfair can it get? when bad things happen, all of them just seem to happen onto a single person. what did i do wrong to deserve all these? isnt life just unfair?whether you people believe it or not is up to you. i leave all of you out there to experience this yourself, whether life is indeed unfair.. take care..

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

cried to myself again just now. passed by peninsula plaza, the place where we went to together alone for the first time on 22feb last year. that time was on official business, to photocopy the maps for the combined meeting hike. that sunday was so 'fun', with me keep teasing her. no doubt that i already had some feelings for her that time but i tried to suppress it then for i thought that she wont possibly like me. even teased her that time that she is crazy after she sent me an sms that is not in proper english, saying that she met with a pervert. really missed those days, when we were building up our friendship but although i was already having feelings for her already. miss the combined hike especially much, not to mention all the preparation before that. the printing of the maps, the wrapping of the maps to waterproof them, settinf the questions for the test and going to katong shopping centre to photocopy them, hiking out the hike route on 12may and on 14may, the days when she became my 'personal assistant' and 'energizer battery', our little joke. really going to miss those times a lot. was sms-ing her just now after she finished her service. she really is a very filial and caring daughter, wanting to spend more time with her parents and family, so unlike me, an unfilial son. can already see her piety last year during mother's day, when she forced me to say happy mother's day to my mum. at that time, i was still thinking to myself that my mum has gotten such a good, pretty and filial daughter-in-law but yet now, i lost her. her parents definitely did not lose a daughter but i had lost my beautiful girlfriend, the sweetest and moset wonderful girl and girlfriend in the world. just finished talking to her on the phone. got to know that a guy helped her to carry her bag n things. was like a bit jealous when she told me that. wanted to help her carry her bag but she dont allow and said that there's no reason for me to carry her bag. cant i just help a friend carry her bag? carry must be boyfriend then can help girlfriend carry meh? you allowed your friend to help you carry but dont allow me to. i dont know but there's this fear inside me that someone in her cg may have caught her attention. really so scared of that although i know i shld trust her. but maybe i shld be happy for her if it is true since i wont be able to take care of her anymore. at least there is someone to take care of her all the time, if not most of the time. she's always so careless, getting hurt here and there, always so worried for her. just hope that if there really is such a guy, he will be good to her and not hurt her like i did. though it hurts to say this or think of this that i cant be with her but it doesnt matter to me anyway also. nothing is important or matters to me anymore. i have nothing more to lose, since, i dont have the time to wait to see if i have a chance or not, and also after that i have lost her, the single most important girl in my life whom i love more than anybody else, including myself n my family.. in my heart, i have already regarded her as my immediate family already.. by the way, hope you liked the necklace, although you 'chose' the design yourself. its a gift for you so i hope you wont pay me back the money, like what you said yesterday. i wont accept it no matter what. goodnight, sleep tight and sweetdreams..

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got to spend 4 hours with her at long john silver's at singpost today, having lunch and teaching her maths. this 4 hours really is a very big bonus and surprise. got her sms at 3am last night, asking me if i'm free because she need me to teach her maths. of course i'll say i'm free, although i have to plan for meetings at 10am at the same place. but to meet her, i will forsake anything as i'm not sure how many more chances i have left to meet her. good thing i managed to change the planning to 3pm, after she went for her service. even if i cant postpone it, i will also not bother as she is still the number 1 priority in everything and in my life. she looked so pretty in her new blue top, heels and necklace which she bought yesterday. no matter what type of clothes she wear, she will look very nice and pretty as she already is very beautiful. clothes simply made her outshine more. got to talk to her just now after leaving singpost. told me what she wanted to achieve these few years. didnt want to be distracted and want to dedicate all her time to her god. she also said that she wont want to get into relationships at least for the next 3 years. i dont know if i have 3 years. was really sad and disappointed when she said that relationships get her distracted from her studies, her religion, her family and everything. did i really distract you so much that you left me so as to be able to focus on what you aimed? i didnt stop you from going back to church, i didnt stop you from spending time with your family and i didnt cause you to not concentrate on your studies, did i? if i really did, i'm very sorry.
being the insistent personality she has n the person she is, know that once she really made up her mind on something, she wont change it anymore. no matter what i do, she wont be touched come back to me now, maybe not even in the future, which i doubt i have, nor give me another chance. she said this to me just now: "i still love you, but so?". this sentence really made me to dont know feel glad or sad. glad bcause she still lovesme. sad because although she still love me, she still will not be together with me. all the things we used to do together, all the places we used to go together and all the memories i had with her will all just be memories, never to happen again. you asked me to stop thinking about all these. i tried but i just cant help it. i tried to concentrate but i lose it after a short while, suddenly thinking of you again, or when something happened and it refreshed my memory, thinking that when the same thing happened last year, we were still together and so loving together. and when i go out, so many places just reminded me of the times we spent together at those places. places like orchard, cineleisure, far east, heeren, suntec and even neighbourhood places like bedok where we used to eat durian and the mee soto together, pasir ris where we used to cycle, tampines where we used to have lunch and dinner at the foodcourt. my entire world is just filled with memories of the times i spent with her. although she said she still love me, the word 'so' really hurt me so much. and the fact that she said that she dont want to give me any false hopes and that she dont know if we can still be together again in the future hurt me even more. she love me and yet she dont know if we can be together and asked me not to wait. even so, i will still wait for her, although i think that i may not be able to wait for that full period of at least 3 years. if she had said there is a chance for us to be together again, at least i will feel so much better and happier, even if i were to leave tomorrow. but she just said what i think she really feel. i dont blame her for that. she just dont want to hurt me further. but what she dont know is that, even if she told me that i have a chance but then in the future, 3 years down the road, there is no chance, it doesnt matter because i dont think i will get to know if i will really have the chance to be with her again or not by then. know that i am being very selfish, by wanting her to be together with me again although i know i wont be able to take care of her for very long. but i just want to be able to hold her hands while walking in town, or to hug her when we are in the bus, or to hold her hands, look at her in her eyes and say " i love you sharon, forever and ever", or to simply just take a sniff of her hair and her scent while i still can. know very well myself that i cant be selfish, just thinking of myself and what i like, without sparing a thought for her and whether it will be hurting her or not but i just cant help it as i really love her a lot a lot. by doing so and thinking this way, i am really a big jerk and a scum. there's nothing very much for me to look forward to now except maybe on saturdays when she come for meetings when i can see her, and on public holidays or school holidays when i can go out with her, hopefully alone. not only that, i want to take neoprints with her again, just like what she said over msn yest, and i wan to take it alone with her. going to treasure all the neoprints we took together last time very very much. those are the very happy times for me, but the not so happy times for her. these are perhaps the days and things that will keep me going about my everyday life now. i'm no longer the dominic people used to know. that dominic is gone. i'm now jus a zombie, a person with nothing much to look forward to. what i'm doing now while i still can, is what i'm, supposed to do. my responsibility as a student by going for lectures and tutorials and doing my work, my responsibility as a hall resident, doing all the stuff i'm supposed to do for the hall, my responsibilty as a brother and son to the family, going back home to visit them whenever i can on weekends or holidays. i will do my best now that i still am able to, to get better results so as not to disappoint people around me, my family. at least so that the day when i leave, i know that i had tried my best while i was still alive and kicking. i dont want to let anybody down again, or to be a burden to people and friends around me. i have really very good friends who were there for me. i felt that i've let my family, especially my parents down. at home, i try to put on a smile, so as not to make them worried. they still thought that i was still happily together with her. i dont even have the courage to tell them anything more, when they asked me yesterday after knowing that both of us shared the birthday gift for my sister. i dont want them to be worried about me. i already let them down n disapponted them enough and i dont want them to know anything about me or to see the state i am in now. all i can do now is to do what i am supposed to do, to the best i can. hopefully, i can get to talk to you or sms you everyday. but know that you are very busy also so if you really cant talk, its ok as i got no choice either. but hope that you will not because you dont want to clock up my sms so ask me not to reply. because everytime you say that, i feel very sad although you are really busy sometimes and cant talk. really looking forward to the next time i can see her or go out with her alone again, to take neoprints cause i really wish to do take it again with her and to go out with her. only way to keep me going now is to look forward to the day i can go out with her or to see her. dont know how long this will last but while it does, i know i will definitely enjoy myself and be very happy because she is everything in my life, in the past, now and in the short future. i will always love her, forever, even if i dont get to know if i will ever have a chance or to be together with her again. my love for you will never die even after i die sharon. that's a promise.....

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was so happy when u said this online just now: "hey next time we go out we go take neoprintS!~ hahaZ.. long time neva take le". when i asked you is as a group or alone u said alone also can. then dont know why u got so angry suddenly, refusing to answer my calls, reply my sms n answer my question. n when you saw the necklaces, you were like no expression like that. i agree that what you said is right. i everything also dont dare de. last time like that, now also like that. and today after missing the chance of trying to hold your hand, if next time really have the chance to go out with you again, you very likely will be more 'cautious' le. so many things i want to tell you and do but just didnt have the courage to. guess whatever i do now you also will have no reaction, just like how you have no reaction when i gave you the surprise. on the contary, you felt angry n said wanted to pay me back for the jewellery i help u buy. it was meant as a gift for you, not helping you to buy. why cant you accept my gifts? is it because that they from me that they become so 'di jian' that you cant accept them? know that whatever i do or whatever i surprise i had for you you also prob wont be touched de. know that other people and maybe even you will think that i'm so stupid and silly n such a big fool, knowing that prob you wont be touched and stuff but yet i still continue to try doing so and try to win you back. but thats me. though knowing what the outcome may be but yet still carry on allowing myself to plunge deeper and deeper. not much energy or ideas or ways left also already. will not stop trying to win you back until the day i drop or when i decide to drop. prob you will be angry when you read this again. so sorry... i really am.. hope you can forgive me.... goodnight....

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

writing this blog at katong after you left. dont know if i will be back tonight to go online or write this blog or not so just write it now. had a really nice time shopping with you today. see you so happy when you got your shoes, i felt so glad although i didnt do anything to help you get it. saw you get all those beautiful tops and the skirt last time but dont think i will get to see you in them also. hope you had a nice time as i really did very much.l n thanks for letting me take the train with you to eunos although you didnt allow me to take the bus with you. dont know if you realised it but just now i was like trying to hold your hands again a few times. at the old og when you were trying out the shoes, you were unbalanced so i held your arm and i slowly slided down n held yout wrist. wanted to continue and hold your hand but i dont have the courage to. same thing happened also at robinsons in city hall. held your arm but dont dare to try to hold your hand. then in the train, a few times i tried n managed to touch your hand a but but you just moved it away. but when reaching eunos that time, the lower part of my hand touched your fingers i think, and you didnt move it away. wanted to move down n hold your hands, asking you if you will give me another chance, but i dont have the courage. really regretted it so much so much now. dont know why i am such a coward also, not even having the courage to try, although the result will prob be the same since you didnt even allow me to just help you carry your bag, saying there's no reason why i shld do that. but if at least i try but didnt succeed, i know i tried. but now, i didnt even dare to try and no matter what i say now is also no use le. dont think i will have the chance to try anymore either. if next time if there ever is a chance, we wont go out alone together again already. if go also prob will be with other people around. dont think i will ever get the chance to ask you for another chance or to try to hold your hand again. the reason why i dont want sophia to come today is 1stly, i want to spend 1 last time going out alone with you. 2nd reason is i want to try to ask you for another chance and to try to hold your hands again. had the 'chance' but i didnt use it. really hate myself for being such a big coward. wanted to ask you ask many things but i just dont dare to open my mouth, fearing that you will say no.. wanted to ask if i can take a photo with you or take neoprints with you again for the last time but i didnt. ahhhh.... why am i like this? will i even have the courage to do what i wanted to do, just like what i almost did or wanted to do last time? haiz... hope you enjoyed yourself today. o dod very much. for the loan, if you dont have the chance to pay me back anymore, its ok. take it as my last gifts to you ba. at least this time, i know you will definitely like the 'gifts', unlike last time, always get things for you which you dont really like. will end off by saying that i had a really really very enjoyable time with you today again, although i didnt do what i wanted to do. take care k.. prob will go online, prob wont.. i dont know what will happen the next moment also. take care sharon.. i love you... =)

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

when my lecture ended just now, a sense of happiness and excitment flowed through me as i walked out of the lecture theatre. had a feeling that everything is so nice and beautiful because i'm going to meet u later and tomorrow. its the exact same feeling that i had every friday last semester because i will be going out with you and seeing you the next day. but the feeling soon died off as the realisation that things are no longer the same like last year anymore hit me. but i was still looking so forward n was so happy to have dinner with you again and to go out wiith you again tomorrow. however, turned out that i realise that you prob maybe or do detest me afterall. offered you a piece of tissue paper but you rather use your own than to use mine. i know that my things cant be compared to yours. how can i ever be compared to you. its natural that you refuse to use my things. its ok and i dont blame you. i'm just not worthy of you. i'm all but just a toad but you are the swan. what my english tutor said last sem as a joke was right and turn out to be not a joke afterall. i am a toad afterall. maybe the world should have 1 less of such ugly and disgusting creature like me around. so its also perfectly right for you to say that you will look at anything except to look at me. for what reason should you look at a person like me? didnt want to tell you i had a fever just now because i know you will for sure ask me to go see the doc but in the end, you still said that. although all these things happened, it was still a very nice dinner. to a perhaps dying person, as long as he is with the person he love, anything is also very nice, no matter how simple it may be. when u left just now, i was walking around whitesands, thinking of the times we were there and at pasir ris park cycling. except for a few more places, already finished 'visiting' all the places we went to before. will never forget these places and the times we had. especially at eunos and on that bus 21 on the 18th. in your first entry, you asked if we can make 18th april 2004 our day. i wanted to make it our day but u didnt want to. was thinking if that's the case, shall i make that my day. but that's like so far away. dont think i can wait that long either. each day hass been passing so slowly and so torturiously. when i was with you just now, time passes by so quickly but when you are gone, it just crawl by. i just cant take such days anymore. mentally and physically i really cant take it le. really wish to end all this misery but why is it that it cant be ended? after tomorrow, i prob wont get to see you after a very long time le. last week and this week at least still can see you once but after tomorrow, dont think its possible le. dont think you will ever come and visit me again also since its so far for you and that you are so busy. n think you prob also will say its not appropriate for you to come into my room. now just want to spend a nice day with you tomorrow can le. and what a coincidence it is. tomorrow is also the 21st, just like last month during the bbq when i thought it will be the last time i will see you. will tomorrow, the 21st be the last time i see you again or will my day be the 18th april? shall let fate decide that then. wondering now what you said over msn yest: ""and the fact tat u doubted me saying "dont think u will grieve for me now.. dont think u will feel guilty".. i'm startin to understand the place i stand in ur heart.."" u may think that i'm doubting you but i'm not. now i just cant n dont know how to figure out anything, differentiate anything le. i'm very confused and already dont have a mind of my own already.. i cant think straight n logically anymore. wanted to ask you yest but no chance to. wo hen xiang zhi dao da an.. hope you can let me know the ans but if u dont want to say also nvm.. guess i will be able to find out the ans by myself also when the time comes, best if asap..
nitez.. sweetdreams.. see you tomorrow..

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just asked you about going for my hall production play this morning.. knew that you most likely wont go and i was right.. haiz.. its ok.. you have your priorities and this is definitely of very little importance and significance.. going to meet you for dinner tonight. prob one of the very extremely rare chances or maybe even last time of me having dinner with you. ok then.. cya tonight then... bye..

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really very nice to be able to talk to u on the phone again just now. zhen de hao xiang nian your voice. dont know if u know it or not but i was very happy when i was talking tou you just now. i just felt so delighted that you called. know that this wont happen very often and it prob will be one of the very rare times but just this time is enough for me already. dont know what's installed for me tomorrow so i dont wish to think so far ahead either. all i know is that i am happy today n its good enough for me. hopefully i can end each day happy so that if tomorrow indeed dont arrive for me, at least i know i was happy today n very happy once before when i was with you. really wish that you can come n visit me one more time though. really miss you visiting me a lot. was thinking of next sat, on the 29th, after the scout meeting, you come over to n then we do work n study together just like last time. because that day my hall has a hall production in nus itself n will really like to invite you to it. so if you agree to go, after meeting can come over, study le then go for dinner and then go to the production. its a play and will start t 730pm. will ask you this again tomorrow. hope you can go for it.. hmm.... next thing...
didnt know how exactly to phrase myself just now but wanted to say that i want to accompany you when u go for your service. regretted not accompanying you on 4dec last year when you were going for your service alone. now you have your friends and members to accompany you all the time le. seriously wanted to say i wanted to follow you that time de but all because of my stupid guy's ego, i didnt open my stupid mouth to say so and then now then come n regret. like you said, its all in the past le so i cant do anything also. i cant turn back the clock. if i could, i will not do all the wrong things which i did when we were together. dont know how many more turns of the clock is left for me. just hope that i can spend a great n memorable time with you this coming fri and that each day i'm still around, i can get to at least talk to you or sms you n keep in contact with you. know that seeing you will be difficult already. prob only chance is on sat during meetings but dont know how many more times i can see you somemore.. alright then.. dont sleep too late k.. do try to take care of yourself. u always say u will but in the end, u still get injuried. 2nd time you slip n fall in 1 month. n 2nd time you even injuried your back somemore.. so worried for you.. cant be there to take care of you anymore n dont know if i ever will again. if i dont, do take care of yourself. hurts me a lot to say this but hope that u can find someone who can take care of you better than i did if i dont have the chance to take care of you anymore. if i can or if you allow me to, i definitely will try my best to do it better than last time. that's all i have to say for now. good night n sweetdreams my dear. you will always be my dearest to me, even if i am not to you anymore. you will always be the 1 and only girl whom i love the most in my entire life so far. other than you, i wont be loving any other girl anymore. i will take this love for you with me wherever i go, wherever i end up. that's my promise n vow to you.. nitez....


As the days and nights pass slowly by,
All my tears I just can't hide.
Looking into the clear dark sky,
Will you think of me tonight?

Now as you sleep in your nice warm bed,
Here I am still wide awake.
And oh how badly my heart ached,
When i recalled the vows made.

More than 1 month ever since you left,
It still seems like a bad dream.
All the good times we once shared,
Exist just as memories.

Take care of you from now on I can't,
Know you don't want to either.
Sorry for the bad job done,
Didn't mean to cause you hurt or harm.

Though a loving couple no longer,
My only love you'll still be.
Eternally my dearest,
'Cause you are and always will.

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

feeling so super terrible now. having a such bad headache again. really wish to talk to u on the phone so much but u are so busy. now its like seldom have chance to talk to u much n even if talk is also for a short while cos now u are like even busier than last yr when preparing for your prelims n o levels.. guess chances of me getting to talk to u and see u while i still can these few days is going to get lesser n lesser as time goes by as u r going to get more n more busy.. hope to see u online later.. i go take a short rest first. cant take it liao.. bye.....

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just finished my statics lecture n dont understand majority of it. wanted to sms to tell u about it but thought that u prob will be in lessons so didnt. also, u may think that i'm irritating n useless to not able to settle it myself n having to sms to tell u bout it. haiz.. so many things corkup just now. thought that my tut grp has changed n if it did all my tut timings will be wrong n i will be in deep trouble. good thing it was not.. wonder what u are doing now. miss u so much but cant tell it to u. wanted to sms u but u prob wont reply or ask me not to reply. wanted to see u also but i wont want to. maybe can only see u on fri but that is still not confirmed yet. now waiting for your sms after u finish school n for your call when u reach home. hope they do arrive but if they dont, its ok. i cant do anything either.. take care then....

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just finished my statics lecture n dont understand majority of it. wanted to sms to tell u about it but thought that u prob will be in lessons so didnt. also, u may think that i'm irritating n useless to not able to settle it myself n having to sms to tell u bout it. haiz.. so many things corkup just now. thought that my tut grp has changed n if it did all my tut timings will be wrong n i will be in deep trouble. good thing it was not.. wonder what u are doing now. miss u so much but cant tell it to u. wanted to sms u but u prob wont reply or ask me not to reply. wanted to see u also but i wont want to. maybe can only see u on fri but that is still not confirmed yet. now waiting for your sms after u finish school n for your call when u reach home. hope they do arrive but if they dont, its ok. i cant do anything either.. take care then....

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knew that my prayers wont come true. if it will, it would have come true last week. if it wont come true, y then am i dreaming of the same dream so often on so many nights? what are those dreams supposed to mean? most of the time, my dreams do come true so will this come true? if it will then y is it that what i wished for cant come true? or is it because now is not the time but at a later time? if so when? how long more to that day?
Also, u just said u want to read this blog now this morning. dont know y u want to read it suddenly but since u want to, i just let u read it. what i wrote in here are all true n sincere words n there's nothing for me to hide. as usual, woke up feeling sick n weak again. think u msut be sick of hearing this also. i am too but yet i cant end it all. losing weight day by day, feeling weaker and weaker and more and more tired day by day. when will this last till? i seriously dont know. maybe soon? maybe later? who knows.. let fate decide everything.. one doesnt know what will happen next or tomorrow. to all the people out there, 1 advice for all of u. cherish the people u love n give them all the love, care n concern u can give, be faithful to them n dont ever cheat on them, especially the guys out there. be faithful to your partner n relationship. u never know when u r going to leave them or when they will leave u. when that happens, its too late to feel sad or regret. nothing can change anything at that time. that's my advice to all u people out there......... take care.........

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Wake up? haha.... yah i know u still think that i'm still not awake yet. really wish i will really never wake up forever n leave all this misery behind.. i didnt do anything wrong. dont know y u must treat me this way n so harshly. my friend still told me just now not to do anything that will make u guilty but i was thinking, will u even feel guilty now. seems to me like u will not. i'm also not forcing u to read this blog. if u dont want to then so be it. i'm in no position to force u also. y must u reply so hurtingly? u dont want to read is also ok. i will just continue to write if what i wished n prayed for dont come true, which most likely wont. this is the only place now where i can pour out all my sorrows n write what i feel n think. i dont have to explain my actions to u also right, as u have said, so i will write what i am going through. the most is just left unread thats all. whats the big deal? it doesnt mean it definitely has to be read. nothing else matters to me anymore. good night..

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

dont even know what i did wrong to deserve this. all i did is just to sms u to want to talk to u just now thats all. y must u reply in such a harsh way? u know it hurt me n yet u still did it. do u really dislike me so much now? is that a hint to not sms u anymore when u ask me not to reply as u will be busy, since u will be busy everyday anyway. if u can ask me not to reply n say that u will be busy when u haven't even start work yet or maybe haven't reach home yet, i suppose that is a straight forward hint that u do not want me to sms u anymore. if that is the case, cant u just tell me straight instead? y say that u will be busy so ask me not to reply? just say it n i will not sms u anymore if u really dont want me to. n u r rite, i dont have to explain my actions to u anymore. so i dont have to explain to u y i did what i did. n i suppose i dont have to keep my promise anymore also. didnt manage to do what i wanted to do last month on the 21st. this coming fri will be the 21st again. guess i can give it a try again, after going out with u, if i do get to do so. that is if my prayers are not answered tonight. if they are, then good. it will prove that your god is indeed a real god n that i suppose will strengthen your faith in him even more. hope that all will come to an end soon. if it does, u will get to read this blog n know everything very soon. take care sweetheart.. good night. May u have the sweetest dreams of all n that everything will be totally over n come to an end soon so that u can really have sweetdreams every night afterwhich.. Happy "Anniversary", my dear little princess..
I Love You, forever and ever..
Once little prince...

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Happy 9th month anniversary. But u r no longer with me anymore. today will be spent by myself again, without a chance to see u.. u know, really wish that u can come n visit me here once more again. really miss u coming to visit me but guess u wont. things are different from the past already. Haiz..
Dreamnt of u again last night. in fact, have been dreaming of u every night for the past 1 month, sometimes nice, sometimes bad. dreamnt that we were together yest but cant remember the details. was so happy then, but only to wake up to find that its just a dream and not reality. reality is that u wont be here with me anymore. wake up every morning, to find myself tearing n crying from this pain n reality which i still cant get over n accept. n this morning, wanted to call u to talk to u, listen to ur sweet voice but then u dont want to talk. was so sad again but i cant do anything bout it either. not only this 'heartache', woke up this morning with a real n physical terrible chest pain n discomfort again. y cant all this be over? y aren't my prayers answered this time? they are always answered everytime but y is it that this time, when i really wanted this prayer to be answered, it wasn't? for this consecutive nights already, i made the same prayer but each morning, i find myself to be disappointed. y is heaven so cruel? make me suffer here everyday n refuse to end my misery n take me away? i know i was wrong n shld me punished for my mistake but haven't i suffered enoughh? when must heaven n god make me suffer till?maybe i shld make a prayer to other god, maybe your god. n if he is a real god, like what u say he is, maybe my prayer can be answered. yah, think i will give it a try tonight. hopefully it works. if it does, then i wont have to suffer all this misery n pain anymore but can be with u by your side forever. although that will mean i will have no chance anymore to be with u again in the future but i guess it doesnt matter, since u already asked me to take it as there is no chance anymore. somehow, i know deep inside me that there is a very high chance that my 1st bday wish will never come true, although the stubborness inside me tell me that there is a chance. if this time my what i wished for n prayed for can come true, i guess it will be the best option for me already. at least i wont have to suffer anymore n can be with u by ur side all the time, looking out for u, although not physically. dont know if u will be sad or not but if u do, dont cos u shld be happy for me that i can get what i want n that my wishes are fulfilled n prayers answered. this will really be a very different anniversary.. take care.. may u have a nice day today..

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16

To Sharon:
1st time that i was not talking to u after my home visits. really missed those times when u will call me n talk to me as i travel back to hall. n when your sms came in, it was always just less than 5 messages b4 u asked me not to reply. in fact, for the past 1 month, it has always been like this. are my sms really so annoying that u do not want to talk to me? know that u r busy but even on weekends or in the morning, its also like tat. do u really dislike me so much that u dont even allow me to take food for u or give u a treat? at the restaurant that time, i took a prawn for u but u said u dont want so i left it on your plate. then after some time, u took a prawn yourself, the exact same dish, with the prawn which i took for u still on your plate. n when paying the bill, i treated everybody but why must u insist on paying me everything? its to celebrate my bday n u dont even allow me to do something i like? know that i'm not rich n tat my family background is poor, but is it because of this that u 'xian qi' my money, that i'm not worthy to treat u so u dont want me to treat u? if its so, jus tell me. its ok. i can take it. there's no news or things that i cant take anymore. nothing else matters to me anymore. even though u told me just now that u see whether u having lunch outside 1st, i was not even surprised anymore. although i may be disappointed that u said that because u said yest that u will have lunch outside, i already am prepared for this news le. n even if u say that u not going on fri anymore cos u going out with your og or your friends, i wont be too surprised or sad either. afterall, u seem to be still reluctant to go out with me. in fact, i was thinking that if i die or maybe even commit suicide, you wont be grieving or crying for me everyday anymore, like what u said u will last month, on the 15th. that time u still loved me so u will grieve n cry everyday but since now u dont love me anymore, u prob will jus cry n grieve a few days n after that wont anymore. afterall, u have the support of your religion. if it can help u overcome ur saddness when u broke up with me lst month n make u appear to have gotten over it so fast in jus a few days, i'm sure this time it can too. so i wont be surprised if u really dont cry or grieve. i wont want u to either. just hope that u can fulfill my wishes. that's all i ask for but if u dont want to, its ok. u r not obliged to, as u say.
good night..

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17 January 2005. 1 month since my sweetheart left me. By right tomorrow will be our 9th month anniversary but from now on, I have to spent the 18th of each month alone. Went to our "Home Sweet Home" today to take this picture of the words which u carved on the tree 7 months ago. Went there yesterday too and memories of the times we were there made me cry again. Still remembered all the times so clearly, especially 25.06.04, the day i put our wedding band on her but all the memories will just be memories forever. The pavillion where we always put our bags, the grass patch in front of the statue where we rolled about on 11th May, the path where u 'ran away' from me so beautifully n so gracefully. Missed so many so many things. Missed the cookies u baked for me, the dinner u cooked for me, ur hug, u lying on my shoulder in the bus. But all these will never happen again.. This 1 month has really been very miserable for me. On the outside, I appear to be alright and getting alone well but inside me, I'm filled with so much misery n pain which I can't let her see. Crying every single day everytime I think of u but didn't tell u. At first thought that u can drop by and give me a "house visit" this coming friday like u saidu would last month but I realised that will never be possible. Dont think u will ever come and visit me again. This misery is eating me up slowly, bit by bit, with me getting weaker and more tired each day with all the chest pains and headaches and pains. Really wanted to be with u again so much. i love u so much and i realised my mistakes. y wont u give me another chance? do u really have no feelings for me anymore? is what u said really true? i dont believe. i never will. n what i do now perhaps will not bring u back to me anymore. i'm sorry sweetheart. i'm really sorry for all the things i've done wrong. Sorry that i cant be there to take care of you. i've really done a bad job and has been a bad and lousy boyfriend. no matter where i am, i will always look out for u n be there with u all the time, never to leave u. i will be the wind, always there and by your side. i love you sweetheart. forever n ever.. Happy 9th month anniversary in advance..

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May your light shine in the darkness...
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16