Tuesday, December 27, 2005
26 dec. went to celebrate huixin's bday last year together at blue elephant. was a sun last yr. went to esplanade after that, where we went to the rooftop terrace. do you still remember? guess you prob wont want to remember either. its ok.
hmm... what have you been doing today? finished your holi homework already? hope you had a great holiday and had enjoyed yourself. wait. i'm making a stupid statement here. you must have had enjoyed yourself. stating the obvious. brain being taken over already. getting senile and crazy. haiz.. another day has just passed like that. holidays going to be over real soon. how am i going to get thru it agian? really dont know. you wont be there either. life is really getting worse by the day but do you know? maybe you do, maybe you dont. whatever the case is, i know you wont want to bother. friends? how many true friends do i really have? i really wonder. even you have forsaken me, gave up on me, not to mention about the rest whom i'm not so close with. prob only have a handful of true friends. what can i do? nothing. too bad for me then. getting late now. shall stop here. you must also be in dreamland already. sweetdreams and sleep tight.
Monday, December 26, 2005
was wishing the whole day that there will be a miracle, that you will at the last minute, invite me to your christmas service but you didnt. guess you have really forsaken me. christmas is supposed to be a happy holiday but i was not happy this christmas. tried my best to be happy but still cant really be truly happy. really wish to be able to celebrate it with you but know its highly impossible and i was indeed not proven wrong. will next christmas be different? will there be a next christmas? 1 year is such a long time. so long, so torturing a wait. what will happen in 1 year's time? will things get better or will they get worse like how they did this year? can they get any worse? really cant imagine, cant feel it anymore. hope you had a great christmas. i'm sure you must have. merry christmas once again. goodnight and sweetdreams.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
its christmas eve and just came back from countdown party at orchard. was alone there the entire time. saw so many couples there, having fun, partying and celebrating christmas together. still remembered how i was there with you and your sister last year, playing the snow foam. had so much fun last year but this year, i had celebrate it alone. probably cant even use the word celebrate. tomorrow is christmas and you did not invite me to your church celebration service this time. was wishing that you would but you didnt ultimately. guess this year's christmas will really be a lonely one. i'm sure it will be a great one for you. have fun and enjoy yourself. merry christmas.
Friday, December 23, 2005
22 dec. 1 year since the day you stopped me. will never forget that night last year. how you came back to look for me to stop me. how we talked that night. how i talked to you on the afternoon of 22 dec after my christmas carolling at nuh, you asking me to help you get christmas cards. how i went to paragon to get them for you, even secretly swapping the cards from all the boxes so that you will have a variety of designs. thought of it warms my heart and pierces it at the same time. tomorrow will be the christmas carolling again but you wont be there to talk to me after it ends, you wont be asking me to help you get christmas cards after it ends. how i wish you can be reading this blog. how i wish you can give me a call or sms. but that seems so impossible. 3 more days and it will be christmas. know that i wont be spending christmas eve with you anymore, wont be getting any card from you anymore, wont be getting any christmas gift from you anymore. this feeling is really very miserable but yet i cant do anything either. and the results just came out today. cap score dropped again. dont even have honours now. nothing seems to be going right for me. really such a failure, never able to achieve anything. how i wish at this moment now you can be there to say some comforting words and encouragement. but guess you must be sleeping now already. will my christmas wish this christmas be fulfilled? or will it just be another distant dream and wish, as far as the stars in the sky above? may you have a dream as beautiful as the stars above tonight. the beautiful stars that always make me think of you. in the past and now. goodnight, sharon. sleep tight.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
another day has just passed like that. another day of thinking of you, of wanting so badly to call you or sms you. what were you doing today? how have you been? these are questions which i do not have answers to. waking up everyday with these questions, thinking of y ou and wondering how to spend the day is so meaningless but yet i cant escape these feelings? already at a desperate end, with nowhere, no one, and nothing to turn to. standing in the middle of nowhere, dont know which way to go now. really wish to see you for just one more time. tomorrow will be the release of results. dont know what will happen after tomorrow after the release of results. will it add on to more desperation? will you be there to asy a few comforting words? only your words have effect now but they are probably something i wont get to hear. have already run out of tears, literally. tears can no longer flow when i cry almost everyday. cant make myself not cry. i just lose control. probably you may think that i am a weakling but that's the way i am. over you, i cant control myself anymore and you know that, dont you? what can i do? what can i say? guess only you know the answer. sweetdreams.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
without realising it, its already 20 dec and the holidays will be over soon. cant really remember how the past 20 days of holidays were spent. everything was so fuzzy, so hazy. only remembered waking up each day, feeling an immense pain and feeling of missing you, thinking of you, wondering how have you been, whether you have had a good rest. this is what you used to feel right? that's what you wrote in one of your entries in the book. i felt the same too, all the time ever since i told you that i love you. missed those days so much, whether we are together or as friends. really wished that i can go out with you on christmas eve, christmas, new year eve or on new year. know that it is already very highly impossible that we can ever be together as a couple again. you will never accept as long as one day i did not convert. but somehow, the stubborness in me still refuse to give up hope. knowing that you will possibly never love me again, i still love you as much as the very first day. know that this will only cause me misery but i cant help it. my heart still loves you, my mind still thinks of you, my soul still miss you. need you to be there for support on so many occasions but you are not there. even now, i am beginning to feel so tired of scouting. so many 'conflicts', so many disagreements inside. during those times when i am feeling even more down, how i wished i can give you a call, to talk to you. think you will probably feel that i need to be stronger emotionally and not rely on you. but i have never ever been strong in the first place. on the outside i may seem so but in fact, i am actually extremely week. my soft-heartedness is my biggest weakness, to be so weak emotionally. if i have been stronger and not so soft hearted, i wont have given in to your crying 1 year ago after the bbq. and if i have not given in, tomorrow will be my first death anniversary. i wont be left here to suffer all myself. you said you will always be there for me whenever i needed someone to talk to but you left me all alone so suddenly. i needed to talk to you now but where are you? what have i done wrong that you must do this to me for such a long time? the year is already coming to an end? cant we start all over again? cant you give me a chance? just 1 more chance. that is all i ask for. is it so difficult and so much to ask of you? wanted to ask you out during christmas eve but know that you will be having your service. furthermore, i dont dare to ask in the first place too. that will be breaking my promise again. how can i get to you without breaking my promise? how can i try to ask you? i'm losing my mind and body like this. making myself extremely tired mentally and physically to try to numb myself but it doesnt work. only you can save me now. nobody else can. will you save me or will you leave me here to wither away and to die eventually? can you really bear to do so sharon? after all that i have done for you in the past? if you can bear to do so, i have nothing to say and i will never regret it. perhaps that will be the best ending for both of us. like how it has always been, you have the final decision and whatever the outcome, it depends on you. rest well my dear. i love you and always will. till the end of my life.
still thinking of you. still missing you a lot. still wondering what you are doing now and how are you. but i will never be able to get answers to them. wanted so very much to sms you or call you. know that you will never answer my call or reply my sms. so painful, difficult and heart piercing to stop myself from calling or sms you since you wanted me out of your life. i will keep to my promise. probably wont be for long too. somehow, really wish that this will all come to an end soon but yet i cant end it myself. can only leave it to god and fate. still challenging them to see who will be the winner in the end, although i know they will be the winner. but they are taking such a long time. trying to lengthen my suffering? if one day soon they did win, will you know it? how long before you know that i have lost? was in pain the entire day today. chest hurting so much and how i wish i can talk to you and hear your voice but yet i cant and can only take the pain and bear with it myself silently. do you know how badly i was thinking of you today and everyday? do you know how i felt when i saw somebody who looked like you but was not you?do you know how much i wish to be able to watch a movie with you again? do you know how painful the rush of emotions is when i passed by places where we used to have so much laughter together in the past. can still visualise your smile and laughter and the expression on your face, something which i may never get to see again. where are you when i needed support from you? where are you when i am in pain and need some comfort and encouragement from you? next week will be the release of results. so afraid and same thing, you wont be there for me, unlike what you said last year. dont dare to know my results. really wish that i will not get to that day. in this way, wont get to know my results and also it will be an end to all the suffering now. been a year but yet i am still feeling the pain. know something? i am constantly making a silent agreement with god that if i am able to spend 1 day with you, to go out with you, to see you 1 more time, to talk to you 1 more time, i can die in peace. will my wish be fulfilled or will it be just like other dreams and wishes, never to come true? losing you is already my biggest regret. is god really so cruel as to not even let my last wish be fulfilled? will you fulfill my wish? or will you still continue to hate me and want me out of your life, never to have contact with you again? if that's the case, your wish will come true the day god wins and i lose the challenge. when that day comes, i will really be out of your life forever. when will that day come? how much longer must i wait? will it arrive? cant care much anymore. the only thing on my mind now is you. you and only you, whether i be able to see you 1 last time in person and not photos. this is killing me. slowly, bit by bit, day by day. guess you must be sleeping now. goodnight and sweet dreams.
Friday, December 16, 2005
16 dec. its been exactly 1 year since you left me. 1 year since my world was devastated. been 1 year and the pain is still there, as new and raw as 1 year ago. to deny that i dont love you anymore, that i have moved on will be a lie. yes, i admit that i still love you and i still miss you a lot. i am still wishing that we can be together again although that is almost impossible already since you do not have feelings for me anymore. what can i do, what can i say? i cant do or say anything. i cant even call you, sms you, email you, see you, go out with you or talk to you. is it really so difficult and so much to ask of you to just be friends again? i admit its my fault last time that caused you to do this. but i have already stopped doing so? i am trying my best to keep to my promise. although i am still unable to really move on, but at least i am trying to numb myself. why then do you have to break your promise? didnt you say this feb that i must try the cookies you bake every year on friendship day for at least 30 to 60 more years? didnt you say that we will be good friends? what happened to all these promises? are what you said last year after the bbq nothing but empty promises just to pacify me, to stop me from killing myself. do you mean what you said last year? you know very well how important you are to me, as a friend or as a partner. you know very well how much i need you and you played on this weakness of mine. never have i ever loved somebody so much that i am willing to almost anything for her. never ever has anybody been so important to me that she is even more important than anything else in my life. my friends, my studies and even my family, so much so to the extend that i am willing to not go for my family stuff, to just be with you. you brought so much joy, so much hope and dreams into my life. you taught me so many new things, introduced me to many things i never knew existed. for you, i have also tried doing many things i have never done before. baking cookies, cooking, skipping classes and lectures to be with you, trying out new food and going to new places. i know i am too possesive and i'm sorry. but the reason why i am so is because i was afraid that you may be hurt. you were always so careless, hitting yourself here, knocking yourself there. everytime i knew you were out, i was so worried about you, worrying whether you will be alright. even after you have cut off all contact with me, i am still worried about you and thinking about you even though i do not know what or where you are at that moment. my friends tell me that you are not worth me worrying so much for you but i just cant not think about you. the place you have in my heart is already permanent. had really wished and wanted so much to be together with you forever. so much to the extent that i went to places like taka and robinson and looked at all the family and home stuff, looking at all the cutlery, untensils, thinking of what to buy to entertain our guests next item, how to furnish our home, how to do up the kitchen for you and what to get for the kitchen so that you can do all your cooking with ease. all these dreams are all destroyed 1 year ago, and probably never to come true again. everytime i see your photos, everytime i do something or go somewhere that we used to do or go to together, my heart hurts so much and the wound just got bigger. on the streets, i will sometimes see people who look so much like you but yet its not you. i dont even know whether i want to run into you and see you on the streets. on 1 hand, i wanted to see you again very badly but on the other hand, i was afraid of seeing you. what will the situation be if we do run into each other? are we able to say hi and have a small chat, or will you just ignore me totally and pretend that you do not know me at all and we are strangers? on 1 hand i hope that we can be friends again and say that all i want is just to be friends with you again but yet on the other hand, i do not want to be just friends with you. deep inside, i still want to be with you, marry you and live with you. for the past 7 months since you cut off all contact with me, i do not know whether i want to be just friends again with you. i know that its almost impossible to be with you again but i am still wishing and hoping. i do not want to be only friends with you. can call me greedy, wanting for more although i know i wont get it but that is what i really want deep down my heart. although i do not know how you have been since april, i know and i can feel that you have changed. you probably are no longer the sharon i used to know, having grown more matured, stronger and more independent, but i believe what made you you is still the same and it will never change. no matter how you may have changed, you will still be you and i still love you as i have loved you last year. the thought of seeing you walking along orchard road, holding another guy's hands gave me so much pain inside my heart. the pain of seeing you hold another guy's hands when the person used to be me. the thought of geting to know 1 day that you will be walking down the aisle and taking marriage vow at rom with another guy really cause my heart to hurt and bleed so much. i just cant bear the thought of it but yet it probably will that way. i just cant imagine how am i going to take it when these 2 thoughts come true. i really dont know. will i be able to take it in the first place? chances that i wont be able to. i know. i will never be able to take such a blow again. why must things turn out this way? why is heaven so cruel? why are you so cruel? after all that i have done and sacrificed for you. dont they mean anything to you at all? not even a single bit? i have already said i am sorry. why cant you forgive me just this once more? didnt you use to say that no matter what i have done wrong or how serious is the mistake, you will forgive me? i really am sorry. its already been 7 months plus since you cut off all contact with me. its a long enough time and i have learnt my mistake. please forgive me once more. please sharon? dont do this to me anymore. i cant take it any much longer. i really wish to be like in the past again, able to talk to you, go out with you, eat with you and be friends again. can you please give me another chance? i need you sharon. i miss you so very much. miss your voice and miss seeing you. give me 1 last chance to be friends again.. please sharon.. you have punished me long enough. please... i'm sorry.. i really am...........
Thursday, December 15, 2005
14 dec.. the last day i went to watch a movie with you, go out with you as a couple. still remembered that day exactly 1 year ago so clearly, as if it was yesterday. been so tired, thinking of you, missing of you and wondering what you are doing. so near yet so far away from you. have been hanging out near the place the past few days, wanting to be 'near' you. seeing the people shopping, eating, laughing and enjoying themselves everywhere i go made me miss you even more. can only stay and hang around these places, doing nothing but just walking about, from 1 end to the other, from 1 place to the other, from 1 department to the other, from 1 shopping centre to the other, to just want to be close by you mindfully but not physically. so tired in the mind and in the heart. trying to make myself physically tired but didnt succeed. that very day is coming soon. very soon. as it draws nearer, i draw nearer to breaking down again. thats all i can say at this moment. goodnight and have a good rest. sweetdreams. can only say these to you in here. wish i can sms you these again, but will i ever have the chance to? only you have the answer. goodnight..
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
waiting and waiting, just like exactly 1 year ago, how i was waiting eagerly for you to return to singapore from your holiday. only difference now is that, no matter how eagerly i wait, how long i wait, you may probably not return. another day has just passed. got thru the day with much difficulty, as usual. everywhere, everything i do reminds me of you. staying in hall, all alone, made me think of you. going out, seeing those places, seeing other couples shopping together, eating together, watching movies together remind me of you. even using the moisturizer, smelling its smell made me think of you too. you may think that i am too obsessed already but it really is this way. knowing where you are, but yet not knowing what you are doing and unable to talk to you or anything just made it worse. and now that its the holidays, this feeling is worsened. really wished to be able to talk to you again. cant we be friends again? why must you insist on doing this? i have already said i'm sorry and wont do this again? cant you give me another chance? i really want to talk to you and be friends like the beginning of this year again. you must have had a long and tiring day. hope you sleep well tonite and sweetdreams. goodnight..
Monday, December 12, 2005
missing you so much now, do you know? thinking of you, wondering what you are doing now, whether you are fine but yet unable to ask you all these, call you, sms you or contact you and have to suppress all these inside me is so painful. dont know what you are doing now, where you are now, just like exactly 1 year ago when you were in malaysia for holiday. how i wish i can see you again. how i wish i can talk to you again. how i wish i can go out with you again, shopping for things. how i wish i can be at orchard with you during this christmas period. 2 more weeks or so, school will be reopening for you. not that you will want to go out with me but by that time, you will be very busy and will probably have not much time to go out anymore. really wish to be able to go out with you during this holiday but that is most likely not possible and when school reopens again, its even more not possible. my biggest regret for this holiday is being unable to go out with you, not even for a meal nor to wish you a merry christmas. in fact, having to get out of your life is my biggest regret and pain, to actually know that you wanted me out of your life so much, so much that you didnt say a thank you for everything on your birthday. not that i want a thank you but the fact that you dont even say so even though you do not want to have anything to do with me, to want me out of your life, is just so painful, so heart wrenching. my heart hurts so very much sharon. my heart is still bleeding. emotional pain has long taken over physical pain. real physical pain dont even concern or bother me now. only you can make me whole again sharon. you and only you. even if its just to be friends. if i can see you, talk to you and go out with you again, i will have no more regrets im my life anymore. nothing can change the regret for losing you and not being able to be with you forever but hopefully the other regret of not being able to be friends and being out of your life, being strangers till the day we breathe our last can be removed. will it be able to? will you even be reading this? am i just writing this to myself, for me to read myself, to express out my suppressed feeling so that i wont turn insane? guess only you will know the answer. be careful, take care of yourself, have fun and enjoy yourself. i know you definitely will. i can only pray and think of you from far away. goodnight and sweetdreams.
Friday, December 09, 2005
had emotional swings again the past few days. kept thinking of her and missing her and feeling so terrible, especially when in town. kept remembering how we used to shop for christmas deco last year in orchard last year. kept thinking how nice and wonderful it will be to be able to shop and go out with her during this holidays. really miss her so much and want to be friends with her, to be able to meet her again, to have a meal or watch a movie. wonder how she is now. she prob is getting along fine but thinking of how she is but yet unable to ask her or know is so painful and heart wrenching. this feeling is getting worse the past few days and felt such a great pressure building up inside me, ready to burst anytime. i can no longer control my emotions anymore. really miss her so much but yet have to keep it to myself. just this morning, dreamt of her again. in the dream, i saw her and i was hugging her very closely, not wanting to let go. the next moment, it changed to me wanting to hold her hand. cant really rememeber what happened but after that, she let go and make me wrap my fingers around her thumb and hold it instead,with tears starting to form in her eyes, and i did. wanted to go forward to hug her but at that moment, i woke up, with my fingers curled in the position as if i really am holding something. tried to go back to sleep and continue the dream again but the dream didnt come back. why must i wake up at that moment. is it a sign that i will never be able to go close to her again? what about the earlier part? why is she tearing? what is the significance of this dream? will it come true? will i be able to see her again or hug her like in the past again? so many questions. so much pain, so much agony. still thinking of the dream now and feeling even worse now. when will i get the answers? will i ever get them? sharon, i miss you so much. i know i'm wrong. please dont do this to me anymore. i really cant take it. please forgive me. please.......... lets be friends again, can we? i really am sorry.