Monday, January 30, 2006
its the 2nd day of the chinese new year today. had a dream this morning. a dream of you. do you know? well, you wont know about it, will you. it was such a beautiful and sweet dream. its so vivid, so real, as if its a reality. your voice in the dream sound so clear, so real. its as if you are just right there, talking into my ear by my side. you were just there, by my side and my left arm was ard u. you were there, asking me to hold you, otherwise you wont 'want' me anymore jokingly. of course i would be more than willing to hold you. but just as i did that, i woke up from the dream. tried to go back to the same dream again but did not succeed. even in reality when we were still together, dont remember you asking me to hold you before. can feel that i was so happy in the dream when you asked me to hold you. this dream was so painful that i wanted to cry when i woke up. has been suppressing my tears the whole day. was already feeling very 'xing ku' already since last thur. never ever got the chance to spend chinese new year with you before. last year at least still had the chance to talk to you on the first day on cny and wish you happy new year on the eve and you replied. this yr you didnt reply. i know you wont in the first place. dont even know if you even receive my sms or not. maybe you have even blocked my number too. all this had already made me feel very sad and with the dream this morning, the ache in my heart is so great. how i wished i can see you and talk to you again. saw you last thur in tj but yet i dun have the courage to say hello or wave, but instead, i turned around and walked in the opposite direction. only regretted after i left tj. i had gone against my heart. wanted so much to see you or talk to you and when i had a slight chance, i didnt grab it. God prob gave me that chance but yet i didnt use it. in a way, had i gone against His will? afterall, i did pray that i will be able to see you and i really did, among all the people there. always managed to see you among many people, ever since the first day we knew each other. has it been God's will right from the start? is there really no such thing as luck or coincidence or fate or chance? is it really all His plan and will from the start? i really always had no difficulty trying to locate you in crowds. but i went against that opprotunity given to me last thur. and when i regretted it, i had no more of such chance again on fri. you didnt go back to tk on fri. and ever since then till now, i have been feeling the regret and ache in my heart again. and when i had the dream this morning, the feeling intensified. it was so bad that i wanted to cry the moment i woke up but i suppressed it. if i was back in hall or outside, i would have broken down in tears. suddenly, i seemed to have lost all faith in Him again. is this what you call the devil's works? to make me lose faith in God? right now, i'm in fact in almost the same state as last december when you first left me, when i still have no faith at all. i really dont know what to do now at all. i had really wished to see you and talk to you again, but i know its almost unimpossible. you wont want to meet or see me, will you. you probably still hate or distess me now. there are some things i wanted to tell you but its not the time yet and i dont dare to either. dont know how you will see it or interpret it even. who knows, you may get the other interpretation and things may even get worse, although its already extremely bad now. i'm at such a loss now. i'm in such pain now again. what should i do? what can i do? its chinese new year but yet i have no chance to see you or wish you happy new year. and i have this regret of not being able to do all these this year so much in my heart. got the feeling of having to wait for 1 whole year before i have the chance to wish you, to have the chance to see you again on cny but yet i have this feeling of not sure if i can get to next year's cny. in a way, i feel kind of scared, kind of a big regret. i really wish to see you again, or go out with you again but will i ever again? i know i should not think of all this but the dream made me do so. i'm really losing faith. still remembered the tj cny celebration carnival last year. your stall was making selling jelly. that scene is still so clear in my mind. arg... all the past scenes is appearing before me again after the dream. one by one. the more i write this, the more i want to break down into tears already. i cant do so now. not now. not in front of everybody. think i shall end here.
happy chinese new year sharon. may this year bring you great health, all your dreams and wishes come true, good results for your studies and smooth success in everything you do. happy new year. have a great holiday. take care and good night.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
woke up early today and went to dhoby ghaut for 1st aid course. the cool morning air, the crowdless scene is something i have not experienced for quite some time. thought of the very first time we went out for movie together. was a sun morning at dhoby ghaut also. throughout sat and today, i was thinking of you and the times we spent together so much. know i should try not to but i just cant help it. esp on sat nite, passing by the different places in orchard, inside the various shopping centres, scenes of the past just appeared again. uncontrollably, as i thought and recalled those days, i just smiled to myself, right in public. people must have thought that i am insane. standing in the middle of orchard road, looking upwards at the sky, seeing the bright moon and the fast moving clouds with the cool wind blowing and tons of people walking past me, i felt such a sense of peacefulness. how badly i wished that you were by my side at that moment. such a nice and beautiful night but yet i am feeling so depressed inside my heart. even at this very moment as i am typing this, i am trying to fight off my inner emotions. its just a difficult fight and a losing battle. hopefully, God will help me in this battle. need His help now. really do....
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
today is my birthday. do you still remember it? didnt receive any happy birthday wishes from you. totally nothing. though i expected this already, i still feel so sad and disappointed. why is this so? maybe deep inside me, i am still wishing for the almost impossible possibility that you will send me a happy birthday sms. but now, it already over and its the 12 of jan and there is nothing heard from you. guess i have to kind of accept this disappointment then. if only you did send a short sms. just a short sms with 2 words and it would have been the greatest and most wonderful birthday ever. cant do anything also. maybe you have even forgot that its my birthday today. alright then. sleep tight and remember to cover blanket. its cold tonight. goodnight.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
celebrated my birthday today and it was a very nice one. wished that you could be present but you are not. last year you were there but this year you are not anymore. know that i wont be receiving any happy birthday wish from you this year, much less a gift or cake. it would have been such a perfect celebration today, the best in fact if you were present today but a pity you were not. they even got a cake for me, a cookies and cream ice cream cake from swensons. the exact cake i got for you 2 years ago. though happy, i was feeling so sad in my heart when i saw the cake and was cutting the cake. thought of you during the period and the time that i celebrated your birthday with you. was feeling happy and sad at the same time today during the whole lunch. happy because of the things they did. sad because you were not present. dont know what to say now also. mind block. guess i shall just end here. goodnight and may you have a good rest tonight.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
christmas lightings in orchard are being taken down today. will be another 355 days before the next christmas arrives. will the next christmas be different? will i get to celebrate it with you in some way? everywhere is now putting up chinese new year stuff, playing chinese new year songs. mood of chinese new year is filling up the air fast. never ever had a chance to spend chinese new year with you. wont even have the chance to wish you happy chinese new year or send you a card this year. wont have the chance to go buy your new year clothes with you. got to live with this regret and pain i suppose. what else can i do? alright then. goodnight. hope you have a nice and good day tomorrow.
Monday, January 02, 2006
missed you super badly this morning. dont know why but the feeling was worse than the other days. looked at all the photos and thoughts of you just ran through my entire mind. know that i shouldnt look at the photos but i cant help it. just cant control myself. as usual, spent the day alone again. tomorrow you will be starting sch again. are you involved in orientation? going to be another 11 months of tough time for you. will be praying for you. i'm sure you can make it. jia you and all the best..
Sunday, January 01, 2006
its the 1st day of 2006 today. spent the day alone today. how about you? how did you spend the day? how did you spend new year eve yesterday? think you must have celebrated it with your church and cell group members. still remembered how we all celebrated it together last year with aloysius yanjie etc, how they smoked out halfway after the dinner at marina bay, leaving us and zhihao at esplanade, how we walked to collyer quay and took photos of marina square and pan pacific hotel etc in the background, how we walked to boat quay, eventually making our way to raffles place mrt to take the train to eunos, where you took a cab back. still remembered how i was wondering about eunos, thinking what i should do next after you left, whether to go back to hall or to go back to esplanade to continue with the crowd there. eventually took a cab back to hall as there are no more train services back to city hall anymore. still have the new year sms that you sent me last year on 1 jan while i was watching kungfu hustle at lido at 1pm. went to esplanade and boat quay too yesterday. thought of you and how we were there last year as i was there yesterday. try as i did, i couldnt help it but be reminded of last year and that sadness just overcome me again. guess that will be the 1st and the last new year countdown that i celebrate with you, just like last year's christmas countdown at orchard with you and your sister. well at least the memory of last year will last forever. alright then. Happy new year. may 2006 be a better year for you, one which you do not have to go through anymore emotional hardship or torture. all the best in your studies. know you can do it. have confidence and faith in you. goodnight and sweetdreams. remember to cover your blanket well. its a cold night tonight. nitez..