Sunday, October 30, 2005
heh blog, so many feelings inside me but yet i dont know what they are. so mixed, so confusing, so painful. glad that she had a great birthday celebration this year with her cg. dont know whether she remembered the 'surprise celebration' i had for her last year but she still remembered how her cg came to her house to hold a celebration for her. dont know if i should feel glad or feel sad that she prob dont remember or dont want to remember it. glad because she is happy now, sad because after all that i have done for her, it all ended in this state where we will no longer be friends anymore. its already sunday and nothing is heard from her. dont even know if she received the cards, cake, flowers and present. feel like crying now. want to cry now. am crying now. just cant accept the fact that i will no longer be able to talk to her, see her, sms her or have anything contact with her. cant accept the fact that we will be strangers forever. cant accept the fact that i will be out of her life forever. the thought of after spending all the time together last year, together or as friends, and now being unable to do so anymore is just so unbearable. i will keep my promise. i dont know how i will do it, how long i can last, but i will keep my promise. i will keep myself out of her life since that is what she wanted so badly. dont know how am i going to do it, dont know how long i can last, but i will keep it, even if its to do what was supposed to be done last dec. after all that i have done for her, she had actually wanted me to be out of her life so much. this truth hurts more than anything in this world. how long can physical pain take over this emotional pain before i am numb of it? if the day has come when i am numb to physical pain and it can no longer make me 'forget' my emotional pain, what will happen then? i'm already losing control of myself. my heart, my soul, my body hurts so very much. i cant stop thinking of her. i cant stop missing her. i cant get her out of my heart. sharon, why did you enter my heart, enter my life so deeply, only to exit so cold heartedly and leave such an everlasting hole and scar? you should have left me for dead last year. why torutre me this way? stopping me, only to entend my misery. this world has never been fair anyway, isnt it? how long more can my mind and body take this torture? only time will tell. only time can tell and it wont be very long. will i still get to see her 1 last time then? will i still get to hear her voice and talk to her, tell her i love her for the last time then? only time will know.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
just came back from sending the cake, cards and present to her house. felt so very miserable now. did something which i do not want to do, but yet i got no other choice to not to. cant believe and cant accept the fact that after today, we will forever be strangers, that i will not contact her, send her email or sms her anymore. totally nothing, totally out of her life for good. i cant accept this fact. i just cant accept it. this is so painful that how i wish i can just die but yet i said i wont kill myself. how long will i be able to last before i lose control? put on a brave frontm forcing myself to write the letter, but in actual fact, i just cant take the truth. i'm actually very weak. so much weaker than thought. already now, i'm feeling the pain so badly. i'm crying right now. i'm hitting things right now. i'm hitting myself now. i'm screaming now. i really just cant believe this is it. that this is how it all ends. i miss her so much. so very much. oh pls, somebody kill me pls. spare me of this agony.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
wonder what is she doing now. is she studying for her promos at this moment? dont know if she has taken her dinner. hope she has and did. hope her papers are fine and manageable so far. hope and more hope.. haiz...
Sunday, October 02, 2005
making a prayer now. making a very sincere prayer, the most sincere one in 22 years. praying that i will be delivered off this pain, parying that this time i will succeed, praying that i can be taken away from this place, away from all these, praying that this prayer will come true. God, whoever You are, whatever You may be, please listen to my prayers and answer them please. please answer my prayer. i admit defeat. i've lost. i do not want to continue anymore. please Almighty One, please answer my prayer. please.....
this is so painful. so very painful. got to know something not long ago. why must you do this to me? do you really hate me so much? just hoped to be friends with you thats all. why must you treat me like this? this is so unfair. what have i done to deserve this from you? what meaning is there for me anymore, to be treated this way by the person i loved so much, someone who once said loved me, someone who once said care about me, someone who once said i was the most important and cant lose me. will you be bothered what happened to me now? why do this to me? why? you dont believe that i will do it again isnt it? you really want me to be out of your life so much? there is only one way for that. you know it dont you? why are you so cruel to me? why.......
Saturday, October 01, 2005
its been exactly 1 year since her prom night. the night she looked as beautiful as an angel. the night i was so happy when i saw her. went past the grand hyatt just now, the venue of her prom night last year. been walking around everywhere the whole day. know that i have to do my work and study but i cant do so. cant stand being alone. want to just be somewhere where there are people, where its lively, not like here, so quiet, so lonely, just me alone. so scared of being alone now. think i'm losing it, bit by bit. even on weekdays, i just cant make myself stay in and not go out. even though i tell myself to not go out, when it comes to the evening, i just take it anymore and went out to somewhere where there are people, where there is noise, where its not quiet. everytime i'm out in town, i feel so relaxed, so at ease, so soothing, like all troubles, problems and stress are gone. the moment reach back, everything came back again. the moment i'm back, i start to miss her again, even more than when i'm outside. feel so very stressed, so very pressurised. how i wish i can sms her or talk to her. hearing her sweet voice takes away all my problems. how long more will i be able to take this? oh god, what should i do? miss her so very very much. oh god, help...