Wednesday, May 25, 2005
exactly 1 year ago, i did not sms her the whole day and she was worried and when we met, i also did not tell her what happened while eating at the banquet foodcourt at parkway. then on the way home, she teared on the bus because she was worried when i did not sms her the whole day and i also did not want to tell her what happened. but now, just 2 hours ago, she said there is no need to sms her every morning as there she sees no need to, that she does not want to give in everytime. i just want to drop her a good morning message every morning, wishing her a nice day ahead that's all, not demanding her to reply as i know she prob wont. and now it's become that i'm demanding her to give in to me, to sms every morning. never knew i'm so 'demanding', expecting her to give in to me all the time. this is something new. haha. right from the start, when we first knew each other, to the times we were together to now, all i am is just demanding, asking her to give in to me everytime. what a nice thing to know, only after 1 and a half years. all we had was a demanding friendship, a demanding relationship for the past 1 and a half years. all the things that i did for her, wanting her to be happy is just demanding of her, asking her to give in to me, to call me, to sms me or to go out with me. well, she doesnt have to give in anymore. definitely not to me isnt it? who am i to her that she has to give in? very good friend like she said she wanted to be? doesnt seem like it. i'm just a nobody now. a nobody. someone whose existence doesnt even matter anymore.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
it's now the end of the public holiday. and i didnt get to go out with her today or meet her today. who knows when i will get to see her or go out with her again. this june holidays i wont get to see her also. and when school reopens, i wont get to see her again. probably i will never get to see her ever again in my life. really miss her and going out with her so much. thought of all the times we went shopping, went to watch movies, went to eat together today as i roamed about the places we went to together in the past, the places we ate before and the places we shopped together before. in fact, have been doing this every single day since my exams ended 24 days ago. all i can do now is to relive the memories. and now, i have not even seen her for 1 and a half months already. this past 1 and a half months, so many things have changed. her attitude towards me have changed so much. she's no longer concerned or worried about me anymore. doubt she will even miss me. maybe not even when i'm gone. seems like i am really becoming to be an insignificant part of her life already. offered to give her 10 year series and past year papers, purely for the sake of wanting to help her but she seems so reluctant, like she does not want my things or anything to do with me anymore. though she's not ignoring me as much now, she still doesnt reply my sms or answer my calls. she dont even send me morning sms anymore, unlike 3 months ago when she still does. now, she feels that there is no need to do so anymore. who knows what will happen a few months down the road. or will there even be months for me? feel so sad that things have ended up in this state, from what used to be such good and close friends, able to talk about anything to now friend who are like so strangers to one another. from what used to be so loving together to now now even able to see her since 1 and a half months ago, go out with her, and her not wanting to see me. now that she has found the real love of her life, i guess i am no longer so anymore. does she still love me, like she said she still does 3 months back? that will be a question i will never get to know anymore. and if there indeed is a time where she will answer this question and meet me again, i doubt i will even be able to hear it with my own ears or see her with my own 2 eyes anymore. whatever is said, i probably wont answer anymore either. it will all just be a one way conversation, pretty much like what it is now. well then, guess that's all for tonight. wish all the couples now a loving lifetime together, forever and ever, never to part. this is something which i have lost, probably forever. goodnight and sweetdreams.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
我到底又做错了什么? 为什么要这样对待我? 她可知道这样做, 有多伤我的心吗? 她可知道这样, 我流了多少泪吗? 她怎么忍心这样伤害我? 我真的快忍不住了. 为什么? 为什么? 她真的那么不想与我见面, 说话吗? 算了. 反正, 她能够伤害我的机会也许也剩不多了. 就然她做她想要, 她觉的最适何和最好的方法吧. 说什么, 做什么也没用了. 早已认命了.......
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
看见了, 看见了. 今天仿俯见到她, 闻到她的香水味. 在学校里走着走着, 好像她就在我面前. 她的那幅笑容, 和我说话的那个温柔的声音, 我都能看见, 听见. 去到哪儿, 都有看起来, 背影好像她的人出现. 是不是我想念她想的快疯了? 这真的好痛苦. 是否多一场仗争又要来临了呢? 这场仗争, 肯定是输定的. 那么, 何必仗斗呢? 也许, 这是上天让我结束这痛苦的方法. 那我为何有要赢这场仗争呢? 也该是做个了断的时候了吧. 我已无法再撑下去了. 输了又会怎么样? 我会知道吗? 这个问题, 我不想知道.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
在这宁静孤耽, 阴风阵阵的晚上, 憔悴的心灵找着麻醉的方实. 大吃大喝来麻醉自己? 到处游荡? 早起晚睡, 把自己弄得非常累? 没有一个行得通. "在这安静的夜晚,满脑想的都是你. 你是否也一样呢?" 这句话还算吗? 看着天无星星, 被云盖住的月亮, 去年和她走过的日子, 一一闪过脑海. 失去心爱的人, 生命又有何仪意? 生纯的动力从哪找? 一颗想念着她的心, 早已无力在跳动了. 天啊! 教教我如何是好吧! 我投降了! 我已无力撑下去了. 我真地好想她, 好想见她. 如果能再见她一面, 和她一起出去, 一起吃饭, 我死而无悔, 无遗憾了.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
had a high fever today. din get to sms her today and she didnt sms me also. its like she is not worried or concerned about me anymore. she used to be worried when i didnt sms her the whole day but today i was sick and didnt sms her the whole day and she didnt seem worried or concerned at all. maybe i really dont occupy any place in her heart anymore. will she even know if it happens? haiz. well, guess that is it then. totally the end. why must the ending be in this way? what have i done to get such an ending? i have no choice but to accept it but i just cant. this feeling is so terrible. i'm in so much pain. pain pain pain. every single day.
Friday, May 06, 2005
6th may 2004. the first day that i went to her house to send her to school. still remembered how shocked and surprised she was then when she saw me at her house bus stop. the night before she was still smsing me, saying that she will marry the person who send her to school. coincidentally, i have already decided to give her a surprise by sending her to school. fate it seems. but sadly, things changed totally 1 year later. last year this week, i am meeting her everyday for lunch and got to see her everyday. but now, i have not seen her for almost 1 month already. tomorrow 7th may, is a date when we first kissed each other last year. the date last year which we went to swensons at bugis for lunch, then going to marina bay to fly kite, giving her a peck on the lips at the bus stop at marina bay, discovering our park, home sweet home, and where we exchanged our first kiss. but now, i doubt i will get to kiss her anymore. that friday last year was such a memorable and beautiful day. wonder how she is and how she look now. really miss her so much. for this past week, i went to so many places and all of them reminded me of the times i went to such places with her, all the things i did with her last year such as watching movies, taking neoprints, having meals together at the foodcourt, at ajisen ramen, at pastamania etc.. looking at all the couples holding hands, behaving so lovingly to each other like how we used to be reminded me of the happy times we used to have and just brought tears to my eyes again. tried not to think of them but they just appeared in my mind again and again uncontrollably, especially now, when last year during this period of time in may last year where so many things happened, so many things we did together and during which our relationship really developed a lot, from watching movies together more often, going out more often, seeing each other everyday and having meals together. missed those times last year so much. even before we were together, the times we had together as friends were so heartwarming also. but sadly, our friendship now has seemed to hit rock bottom, not like how it used to be before we were together anymore. communication between us is so much less, and so much colder, not like how we used to tease each other, joke about each other. and now, i dont even get to see her for almost 1 month already. somehow, there is this fear that i may never get to see her again, just like the fear i had last year that she will leave me although she promised she never will. will this fear come true like my other dreams and fears? will i get to see her again? time will tell i guess, if there is time.
goodnight.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
going back to tk yesterday at 12pm brought back so much memories. its been 1 year since but it seems and felt like yesterday. the feeling of excitement and anticipation felt whenever i go back to tk last year is still so fresh in my heart. although she is no longer in the school anymore, somehow i still felt the same feeling yesterday as how i felt last year whenever i went back. how i will stay in the canteen to wait and wait for her for her to come out during recess, sometimes not coming out for recess. the rush of feelings when the sec 4 students start coming out, trying to look out for her in the crowd is still there. and how i will go back with her, waiting for the bus at the 30 bus stop. stopping at the sing post centre to go to the food court there for lunch. on this date last year, we went there for lunch for the 1st time. still remembered how she leaned on me while waiting for our 'ban mian' because she was tired. that warm feeling is so special, knowing that i can be a pillar of support for her. how she blocked my eyes from the sun when going down the escalator made me feel like i'm the luckiest guy on earth at that time. although all these actions will no longer be carried out anymore, i can still remember them very clearly, like it only happened yesterday although its been 1 year already. now all these will just exist as nice memories only, probably never to happen again. haiz. how i miss those days when she is still in tk, even those days before we were even together. those were the nicest days of my life. really such a pity everything turned out this way. guess its all fated. fate always has a cruel twist. and for me, its such a cruel twist and ending.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
what can i say? does anybody even see this thing? does she still see this? cant even describe the feeling i am having now. is it pain? is it hurt? i dont know anymore. my heart is dead, ny soul is dead, my feelings are dead. i'm now a walking dead person with no soul and tons of questions. why did it turn out this way? what have i done that she must do this? i miss her so much. when will i see her again? or will i even see her again? is this how friends are supposed to be? if this is how she wants it to be, i cant do anything also. the pain has already become permanent. this wont make much of a difference to anything either.