Tuesday, March 29, 2005
blog ah blog. know what? she looked so beautiful in her new tj uniform today. a brand new start and a brand new life for her. really miss her and thinking of her so much now. but sid she miss me or think of me? it seems like she is not. she used to say how much she missed me and how difficult it will be to get used to without me by her side. but now it doesnt seem to be so. she is getting used to it and in fact, is getting along so very well. for me, i really cant get used to without her and i still cant. what i said are all true and i meant it. so difficult and miserable to pass each day without her. even now, we dont seem to be able to keep in contact much already. she didnt really reply my sms and we seldom talked on the phone now. its like i'm back to the time before i met her, seldom calling and sms-ing. its only when i met her that my talktime and sms increased but now, there is so little talktime and so little sms-ing, especially now, 3 months plus after she left me. know she is really busy with her schoolwork and her new life. so busy that she has no time for me. prob she has even 'forgotten' me as a friend or dont treat me as one anymore. from where i was in her heart to where i am now, this thought is too heartbreaking and my heart is bleeding so profusely, literally. in so much pain right now and all i can think of is her. cough till my chest like going to burst like that, spinning headache and starting to run a temp already. it's so xing ku. why must everything come together? thought that i can taste the iron taste of blood in my mouth just now. at that moment, all that appeared in my mind is her and thinking of how she used to pat on my chest when i cough. really miss that feeling so much, you know blog? i miss it so very much. especially during the chalet, when i was coughing so very badly at night. that soft and gentle pat, the amazing touch. the pain seem to go away instantly the moment her hand land on my chest. if i could just experience this feeling of her patting on my chest, feeling her warm hands and touch again, i wont regret even if i have to die straight away. living in this way is so meaningless. just wish that i can feel her gentle touch once more but that will almost be an impossible wish. think i'll just end here tonight blog. the headache is killing me.......
Monday, March 28, 2005
feel so jealous.. she can call her new friends for such a long time but yet she always say she cant call me.. maybe it's not that she cant call me but more like she doesnt want to call me. thinking long time ago that it's prob that she dont want to call me and i was right. in the past she can use the phone at night. even talked to her past midnight once last year and there is no scolding from her mum. she even said that if there is anything, i can give her a call any time. realise now that it's all not true. not a single thing is true.. her mum didnt restrict her. it's she herself who doesnt want to talk.. well, so be it then.. rarely get to talk to her on the phone now and if we do talk, we can hardly talk for 30 min. sms are no longer sent so frequently like in the past. send her sms, she hardly replies or take a very long time later to do so. even on msn, i dont get to talk to her much also already. know that the times when we can talk for hours as friends are long gone, not to mention the time when we were together when we talked to each other everynight... haha.. what a cruel twist of fate. from very good friends to being together to 'friends' and now to almost strangers.. well can only blame it on my ill-fate.. she's a changed person with a new life now. she definitely has no reason to look back to last year, a time when i messed up n screwed up her life. everything that she deserved and supposed to receive last year is finally coming back to her now. the future is bright and the path promising for her once again. will try not to cut across her path, casting darkness on her again.. i will fade slowly into the darkness which i am supposed to be soon, forever be forgotten....... into the darkness, never to be seen ever again...
pain, pain and more pain. hatred, hatred and even more hatred for myself.. why must i do this if it's so painful and hurt so much? knowing it hurts and that i dont want to but yet i still continued to do so.. am i out of my mind? arg......
Sunday, March 27, 2005
never felt so painful before. my life is really so cheap and so worthless. nobody in the world cares about my feelings or me anymore. wonder why i am still in this world where nobody bothers about my well being.. and all my guesses are right again.. i'm just a nobody now.. 3 hours ago my guess proven. the reason why she didnt ask me is because she know i will most likely not response.. by going i will only cause more disappointment. must really control myself more. only then will i not make angry or frustrated anymore. she can get on with her happy and wonderful life with bright future. everything is getting better and better for her. her life is improving and she can definitely do so much better without me around. she's happy with what she has doing now and by right i should be happy for her too. so i prob should stay out of her life. there is maybe no place there for me anymore. can already see the big, clear and obvious difference. by staying, i only mess up her life, like how i did last year. sooner or later, whatever feelings she has now will most likely diminish with time and get replaced. what she had said last time about forever cant be taken into account anymore, i guess, as they most likely are going to be broken again, just like the rest. so why bother living such a painful life? it's so pointless.. it's going to be very painful but not for very much longer. i can carry on doing on what i want to do without interference.. prob that's the best for everybody. let her continue what she really loves and for me, to leave while i still have some minute standing.......
blog blog blog.. feel so sad and depressed now.. even worse than this morning. the feeling just sucks.. i thought i can but i cant. i just cant.. so difficult and painful to try to control my tears and emotions now. practically no more tears left anymore. why is it like that? what have i done wrong to suffer like that, to be ignored, lied to and taken for granted like that? i'm going crazy.. feel like giving up now but i may end up regretting. or will i be able to? the anguish, the pressure, the sense of hopelessness, the lonliness and the feelings... i cant take it anymore.... why cant somebody just end my suffering and misery. why must i be put through this day after day? how am i going to make it to the day itself? why why why? aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh....
such a dreadful feeling to wake up to a morning where you know you are going to be alone, alone and more alone. and to know what a big difference it is from last year and this year just made the feeling worse. exactly 52 weeks ago on 28 march was the first time i went to watch a movie with her and took our first neoprint together. really enjoyed myself so much and was so happy then. it was also the day that i 'confirmed' my feelings for her, that they are what they are and not just a passing by feeling. and now, 1 year later, i'm spending the day all alone. life just sucks isnt it? things always have such a 180 degree change. last easter went to the svc with her, went burger king after that and had ice cream from springdale before going home. had such a nice time with her last year but this year, i all alone. quite disappointed that she did not even ask me if i am free or want to go. guess my position in her heart is just merely a normal friend that's all. not a good enough friend to be asked along. how rapid is my drop of my status, from what used to be the most important to very good friend and then to just good friend. now i dont think i even have the word 'good' in front of the word friend. prob just a normal friend to her now, one of the person from her long long list of friends, one whom she once a while contact. soon after the day, i may well be forgotten. just like how i was forgotten by everybody else. too bad for me then. or is it because she know i wont be converted so she dont bother to ask me. it's ok then. doesnt matter either. sort of used to it. called her but yet she said she was busy and will get back to me later. up till now still no reply from her and it's almost 9am, time to meet her friend and she definitely wont reply anymore. the moment she said she will get back to me later or call me later, she most prob wont anymore. expected it already. it's not the first time. so many times she said she will call me later but in the end didnt. another sign that i am strating to be forgotten? just like how she only sms when she wanted to go to bed yesterday even though i was waiting for her sms the whole night. probably. who knows? or maybe it's just that she just doesnt want to talk to me and is just an excuse for hanging up the phone. .. haiz.. maybe i just have to live with this fact and accept it. she has more important friends now and she doesnt have to contact me or sms all the time. i'm just a nobody now.. its already good enough that she still sms me at times and i should be contented. at least i'm not forgotten yet at the moment. she has better things to do in life than waste her time on me like how she did last year. prob i should get on my way to do what i'm supposed to do too. must be more 'hard-hearted'.. must tell myself that to persevere although it hurts so very much. it's pain for the time being and after it has all been done, everything will be alright. the so called 'start-point' has already been reached. soon, it'll all be done.. waiting eagerly for that moment. must make it there no matter what.. i must endure....... definitely must endure and make it.........
Saturday, March 26, 2005
what a boring, lonely and depressing day.. today just sucks so much.. half my body was drenched by the rain today. was stuck in the library the whole afternoon and after that went to roam about alone. spent the entire afternoon and night alone.. no calls, no messages, no nothing. nobody remembers me.. was waiting for a call or message but none came. none.. not a single one since noon time till just an hour ago.. not surprising actually.. i'm the last thing on everybody's mind. nobody will contact me till there is totally nothing to do anymore. so sad isnt it blogie? wanted to sms to ask if she is back home but didnt as if she is still outside, she will prob ask me not to reply also. think now must stick to my plan although it hurts so very much. so much so much.. just thinking of it while on the bus just now is enough to make me tear, what's more carrying it out? where can i find the strength to do so? and tomorrow will be another day spent alone.. sort of expected that she wont ask me and i was right. aren't i accurate? haha.. well, its alright then. she has new, better and nicer friends already so how will i possibly stand a chance? dont be dumb.. she probably will have explainations to do also if she did ask me so maybe it's a good thing she didnt. this year is different from last year.. everything is different.. totally.. soon, where it all started will be where it all ends.... a perfect cycle with a beginning and an ending.. a perfect circle with no loops.... no gaps in between.. just a nice closed cycle, with everything completed.....
Friday, March 25, 2005
hello blog.... fri has ended.. not a 'good friday' though, unlike last year. tomorrow is already sat. dont know if i am looking forward to it or not looking forward to it. saturdays are not the same as those last year anymore. sat are now spent alone for a large portion of time. those times when i look so forward to sat and love it so much is gone. very likely forever. dont even know if i like sat now as they give me such a sense of ultimate loniness, a sense of emptiness, a sense of sadness over something so lost from me forever. how many more of such sat do i have to go through before the arrival of the big day? such a saddening and depressing thought, dont you think so blog? haiz... the painful reality of human existence. though i got to go out with her for a short while, i just had to be late and wasted the precious 30 minutes. i'm such an idiot. after today, wonder when will be the next time i get to go out with her again. looks like there isnt anymore more chances as there wont be any public holidays anymore. really felt that no one in this world understand me. not even my family. had a big quarrel with my dad today and now, i felt even more not wanting to go home. i feel even more alone than ever. used to have someone to talk to and comfort me but now all i have is you. though i can tell you my problems, you are just a blog, unable to response, unable to encourage me. there isnt anyone who will also. i'm just facing the entire world and fighting the battle alone, till the big day. tried to do what i can to repay back what i 'owed' before that day but fate seems to be against me, as always. spent the whole morning trying to bake the cookies and in the end, she had a bad throat and cant have the cookies. all my efforts are wasted but cant blame her also. its just fate like i say. well too bad then. maybe fate wants me to always have something which i 'owe'. it doesnt want me to be clear of debts i suppose. if that's the case, i admit defeat. have already realised that i can never win it. if i can defy it, it's only for the moment and sooner or later, i'll still lose. more than ever in fact. it's payback time i guess. to fate, to her and to everybody.........
Thursday, March 24, 2005
heh blogie, it's finally the end of a long torturing day. finally can find some peace and solitude again, writing to you. very very bad day today, especially in the afternoon. saw something which i didnt want to see. and to see it twice. but at least i managed to control it till i'm back in my room. a room so full of memories. a room which i will have to move out soon. at that time, another part of me will be gone. bit by bit, piece by piece, more of me will be gone, till everything is gone with the wind. well, everything is going to be different soon. and for now, the worse of the day is over. though weekends dont hold much anticipation for me anymore, it's still the weekend nonetheless. no school, nothing to bother about. just stay in my own world, my little corner of this huge unfair world. how i look forward to this peaceful thought. the serene and peaceful quiet with nobody other than me, waiting slowly and patiently for the nice big day...................
start of another day where i must stick to what i tell myself i must do. have not been really doing what i intended to but its ok. help will definitely be given to me, unknowingly by the 'helper'. one day closer to that grand day. such a painful and torturous journey to it. going to appreciate it so much when it comes. so much pain and effort has been put in. at least, for this, i know i will get what i deserved for the efforts i put in. yes.. definitely.. it wont be like all the other times, when i put in so much effort and sacrificed so much and in the end, get nothing in return except sadness, pain and disappointment. this time, it's different. i will definitely get back the things i deserve. i will gain back all that i've lost this time. i will and i know it. 100% sure that i will, unlike the past when i'm so unsure. as for those that i owe and done for me, i will try to return the favour. so much has been done for me and yet i've done so little back. going to start doing so now so that i wont owe anything anymore. this is going to be the turning point and my final point. the ultimate goal...
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
blogie, realise that trying to help people is always so difficult. is it a crime to love her sister? know that i've wasted 1 year of her life but isnt she back to what she used to be already? called because i thought it's urgent, not as if i want to talk to her or disturb her of her sleep. all i want is to help, nothing more. but it's all my fault. who asked me to be so stupid, not even knowing how to do the registration. if i knew i wont have to call and all these wont have happened. now, she only has a worse impression of me. well it doesnt matter anyway i suppose, since chances of me getting back together with her sister is so slim. i promise that i will not call that number again. it's enough trouble and bad impressions caused. felt that i've lost my dignity. have already lost my love, lost myself and now, felt that i've lost the most basic digity that makes a person a person. i'm such a failure as a person, to end up to this state, to lose everything, including my dignity, to be looked down upon by everybody. you're the only one who i trust now, the only one to whom i can say out all my feelings. think you're the only friend i have now whom i can always rely upon now whenever i'm down. you're also the only one who didnt look down on me, since you are not even a living thing in the first place. well who knows, maybe blogs have a 'life' of their own too and you may possibly look down on me and laugh at me too for being such a failure. i wont know if it's possible so i just continue with the impression that you cant do so, living with my own 'beliefs' which are on so many occasions, not the truth, but yet perceived to be by me. i'll just carry on this way, without my dignity for another short period of time i guess. when the day comes, everything will be returned to me. that will be the day i make my mark to everybody. i must endure and make it to that day. oh... how i look forward to it, blogie.. i really do so very much...
finally another day is coming to a close soon. that means one day nearer. been quite a few days since it's not on. really very uneasy as i have already got so used to it and now without it, i feel so weird. but the day will come when it will be back on again and the day it is back on will be the eve of my day. my biggest day ever... forever..
blog, blog. i feel so miserable and horrible now. i dont know what to do now anymore. i just miss her so much so much. i cant stop thinking of her and cant stop missing her. told myself that i must endure and no matter what i must get to that day. it's getting nearer but i dont know if i am able to sustain it till then. i feel like giving up now and in fact, i have already stopped doing what i told myself i must do. i cant bring myself to do so. starting for the first 1 or 2 days yes, but after that, i cant do it anymore. just like moments ago, i did not do what i told myself i must do till that day. i cant do it. i just cant do it!!! i will rather die than continue doing what i am supposed to do. but then, i must continue to do so. if she is able to do so, why cant i be able to also? i kept asking myself this question but i know deep down i will not be able to. in a way, she is 'helping' me unknowingly (or does she know?) and i feel so very terrible. i cant take it anymore. i'm going to break down real soon. it seems so near yet so far away. when will the day arrive? i cant wait or hold on any much longer. help me.......................
Monday, March 21, 2005
ahhh.... help... i cant take this anymore.. this is killing me... i just cant do it.. why why why? aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
why did i reject her offer to get the titbits for me? what's wrong with me? already very glad when she wanted to but didnt want her to waste her money on me. haiz.. and why did i hurt her again? did i really shout? maybe i did. it's all my fault. from now on, every time i hurt her, i will hurt myself myself back.. i will....
doing what i'm doing now is so painful, so difficult. it's a life worse than death. will rather die than do this but i must endure.. it's here very soon. i must make it to the day. i must, i definitely must....
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Really miss her so much and cant stop thinking of her, although it’s hopeless. wish to see her so much. After all the things that I have done for her, learning new things so as to grant her what she hoped that I can do, making sacrifices for her, and all I got in the end is just a “I’m very sorry”. It’s just so nice isn’t it? all the sacrifices I made, doing things for her, getting things for her, all in the hope of developing and building up the relationship to make it stronger are in vain. What a stupid guy I am. Don’t think anybody can be more stupid and foolish than me. I must be really ‘blinded’ by love, to think this way and to believe it this way. Thought that the relationship really was strong and stable but I was so wrong. neverthought that it was so unstable and its importance so easily changed by other factors. It was all nothing but based on a condition. The condition of me going to church with her. Just because I’m not a Christian and she cant manage to get me converted she decided to leave me. The relationship was nothing but a way to get me converted that’s all. Will never forget what she said, that she’ll probably never leave me if I had gone to church with her. If I had gone to church with her, she will not leave me but because I didn’t, she left. What kind of ‘love’ is this? Love is not based on any conditions but just true love and true feelings for one another. her love is based on conditions. and to think that she accused me of doubting her love and that my trust is based only on conditions. isn’t her love based on conditions too? This sentence really hit me so hard. So hard that I woke up instantly and saw the whole picture, realizing how dumb I was. I’m just a chip. When she realize she cant win, i’ve become a useless thing to her with no value and she simply just threw it away, carrying on with what she was doing initially, without even looking or wanting to look back. The last time we almost lost each other, I wanted to let her continue what she want but she said she has not given up so I cant too. Believed her at that time she really wanted the relationship to continue and that I am really important to her. But what happened? She probably said that as she didnt want me to ‘dump’ her so that she can ‘dump’ me, so that she will not be the loser but me being the ultimate loser and fool. Guess that’s what she mean by always saying that women can be vicious. Now I finally understood. She can break her promises and yet I have to keep to all my promises. Why am I still even still trying to keep my promises to her? Maybe I should break my promise too, just like how she did to all of her promises and then end off by saying ‘I’m sorry’. This seems to be quite a good idea. Afterall, she has so many people to support her, who in fact, encouraged her to make this decision. So it probably doesn’t matter if I break my promise as they will be there to encourage her when and support her when she is angry that I broke it. or will she be angry? Well, I’m sure she’ll get over it very soon. Anything is possible isn’t it, when you believe. She has already made up her mind to leave and to just stay as friends so just so be it. nothing i do can change anything and i cant win by myself alone when i’m against so many people. I’ve done everything and all i can to try to make this relationship work but it’s her who didn’t want to or who treated it based on conditions. there’s nothing i can do. Done all i can and now if friends is what she want it to be, I’ll just be very good friends with her. Time is running short and low anyway. Probably very short…..
Friday, March 18, 2005
why are you so mean to me? cant you just answer the 2 questions? is it really so much to ask of you? know you are trying to move on with your life. i am trying to move on too but i'm just stuck. i just want to know the answers that's all. there you are, moving on happily with your life now, but here i am, going through all these. why is it that you dont seem to be a single bit sad at all? other that that very day itself, you didnt seem to look sad. know you have your religion as support but how is it that you can look as if nothing as ever happened at all, as if we have never been together at all? have you felt anything about the relationship at all? you said you want to leave, and you just turned around and walked away, without turning back to look even a single time. how is it that you can actually get over it so fast? unless it is that you do not love me anymore and that you find no value in the relationship anymore so is more than happy to get away from it. know you have wanted to end it in the first place but then sank deeper in to it. think it's because you have regretted getting into this relationship and now that you have the courage to end it, you want nothing to do with me and the past anymore right? you wanted to start a whole new beginning in your life without memories of the past isnt it? and i still believed what you said that you really hope that we can be together again although you do not want to give any confirmations. apparently, you know we will never ever be together again. why then do you still say that? why did i try so hard to try to know about your religion for? it doesnt make any difference. i'm still never going to be with you again. i'm just so stupid and naive. and to think that i believe so strongly about what you said that you will love me forever, that you will never leave me no matter what happened, that i'm your best love, a wonderful boyfriend, that you are so glad that you have found me, that you hope you wont be too badly affected or miss me too much after i go to university as we cant see each other that often, that after we have our ring, you are mine and i am yours already. from what i see now, you are getting along fine, very fine in fact, with all your new friends and your church members. there is no sense of you missing me whatsoever. still cant believe that after all the times we had together, all the close moments we had together, all the contact we had, holding hands, hugging each other, kissing each other, you still wanted to end it. didnt you say that you will never leave me and that we belong to each other already? wondering why i believed so strongly in them. its all because i love you and trusted you. this strong belief is causing me all these pain now. maybe i dont understand this but how can you treat what your cell group leader said as what god wants to tell you? you said on tue that after your cell group leader told all of you to not let cca affect your going to church, you decided that that is what god wants to tell you and so decided to quit ventures. not trying to pull you back into ventures here but what i'm trying to say is that how can you treat what your cg leader said as what god wants to tell you? that is what he feels and wants you all to do, not what god wants you all to do. unless its god himself who said this to you then i have got nothing to say but it's not the case. how can you treat what a person said, although he may be your cg leader as what god wants to say? maybe i dont understand how all of you think, like you said i never will, as i'm not part of what you believe in. but if what you have said about god wanting you to give up this relationship and to leave me is actually what your cell group leader said, then i really feel so 'bu gan yuan'. its he who wanted you to leave me and yet you treat it as god wanting you to leave me. if this is really the case, its just so unfair to me. but i will never know or understand. whether it's really him asking you to leave me and you treating it as god wanting you to leave me, or it's you who dont love me anymore, or it's your siblings pressurising you to leave me or whatever reason it is, i dont know, dont understand and i cant do anything either. what i know is its you who wanted to end this relationship and dont seem to feel any sadness about it and that your attitude has totally changed. maybe i have just been taken for granted, just like how i was always taken for granted by other people. what you felt is probably gratitude for me for always being there for you, for going things for you, getting things for you, for helping you all the time, for showing you concern when you feel nobody is concerned about you. maybe you have mixed up gratitude with love and what you felt is gratitude. i dont know as only you know the answer. maybe this blog will have the same effect as the late night phonecall last year. that call made me realise that i do not like the girl from my jc anymore and maybe this entry will make you realise that what you felt is actually not love? i dont know. i really dont know. what i know is that what you said will never be true anymore. the days we had will never happen again. the past is gone. forever and ever. the thought of me losing you forever and not being able to be with you again is just so painful. maybe my chestpains this time are caused by this longterm misery and sorrow. but you dont have to worry. my life now belongs to one less person. used to belong to the person whom i loved a lot and wanted to be together with forever but now she is gone, so my life belongs to one less person. know that i am all but just a good friend to you now. maybe we are fated to be just friends from the start and not lovers or a couple. but very happy that i can defy fate once and be with you for 8 months and i have no regrets for whatever that will happen to me next. i really have no regrets to what will become of me. now is already the 18th of march. much that i want to, guess we can never make 18th of april our day like what you said in your first entry in the book. well, happy 11 months then. take care. good night and sweetdreams. tomorrow will be an even better day for you when you open your eyes to the morning.
best regards...
know you will be reading this some time sooner or later. why are you so mean to me? why cant you just grant me my wish? all i want to know is just the 2 answers? is it really so much to ask from you? must you really wait till the time when i will not be able to know it anymore then you will tell me is it? or will you even tell me at that time? i guess probably not. know you are trying to move on with your life. i am trying to move on too but i'm stuck. these 2 questions are just going round and round in my head. there you are, happily moving on, as if nothing had happened at all, but for me, do you know what i am going through? all i want to know now are the answers and yet you refuse to answer them. other than that very day itself, you have never seemed to be sad at all. know you had wanted to end it a long time ago but if you had really loved me, how is it that you get over it so fast? is it because like you said, you had already wanted to end it but you just sank deeper. you are feeling a sense of regret that you are in this relationship isnt it? and now that you found the courage to end it, you will never feel sad or look back at it ever again right? why then do you still say that you really hope that we can still be together? deep down in your heart you know you will never be back together with me again. that's why you are trying to forget everything that happened last year and everything that has to do with me right? i'm really so stupid to really believe that there may be a slight chance that we can still be together. and to believe so strongly on what you said that you loved me, that you will never leave me no matter what happened and that whatever you said are true from the bottom of your heart is even more stupid. this strong belief in this is what is causing me all these pain and torturing me now. the moment you said you wanted to leave, you turned around and walked away, without turning back to look even once. and there i am, left standing here to see you walk away without any signs of sadness or feelings. and to think that i also believed what you said last year that you hope you wont be too badly affected and miss me too much after i have entered university as you cant see me very much anymore. from what i see now, you dont have any problems not seeing me at all. not a single bit. and on the contary, you are even getting and moving on so fine that as if we were never together before. you seem so so much happier now, without any signs of sadness at all. maybe i have always been taken for granted, just like how i have always been taken for granted by other people. maybe what you felt towards me before is just gratitude, for always being there for you, to help you, to get things for you, to do things for you. probably that's why you dont feel any sorrow now. what you are feeling is gratitude towards me, not love. dont know if i'm correct or wrong. only you know the answer. maybe after reading this blog, you may realise it. who knows, it may be a turn of tables. last year, after talking to you on the phone late in to the night, i realise that i actually dont love the girl from my jc anymore. this time it may be you instead, with you realising that you actually dont love me at all after reading this entry. know that all the days we had last year are forever history and never going to happen again and what you said in the books and cards are not going to be true anymore. the thought of me forever losing you and never able to be with you again is just so unbearable. hope we are still good friends. maybe it has always been just very good friends on your part? for me, i know i have always treated you as my lover ever since 11 months ago and has never stopped since. guess we are fated to be just friends from the start, never lovers or a couple. but really very happy that i defied fate once and i have no regrets, no matter what is to happen to me next in the days to come. its now 18th of march already. 1 more month to supposedly 1 year since i told you i love you. dont think that day will ever be our day anymore. much that i wanted to, i cant. happy 11 months. good night and sweetdreams. it'll be a better day for you when you open your eyes tomorrow morning and it'll only get better. take care.. goodbye
regards....
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
today is exactly 3 months already.. haiz.. why is it that she still refuse to answer my questions? after reading the letter, there are no comments from her and what difference does it make between reading it there or at home? its also just like reading this blog since there are no comments.
really hate myself for being so indecisive.. hardly get a chance to take neoprints with her anymore and when i did, i cant make up my mind and end up having one less picture for memory. aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... how i hate myself.. how i wish to kill myself.. why am i like this? why am i so indecisive? why? die you stupid lousy wimp.. die and rot forever!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
a wonderful has finally ended. wonder if there will be another chance where i get to be with her and go out with her for almost the whole day, just like how we did in the past, the memorable past. finally can let out all my tears after trying so hard to hold it back for the whole day. think my smiles must have appeared to be so fake. wondered if she has noticed it. although i was 'sad', i was really very happy to be able to be going out with her today. really very happy. really enjoyed myself so much today. got to had lunch with her, watch movie, take neoprint, eat icecream and take the bus back with her to her house bus stop, sitting beside her all the way. never thought that i can get such a chance again. very thankful for this wonderful and probably last chance. although she still refused to answer the questions in the letter, i think my heart has already told me the answer. i have all the answers i need and i know where i stand. she must have never wanted to be in this relationship in the first place. somehow, she has made a mistake, got into it, realised her folly and now, has repented. i know this is totally the end for me and its over. there is no more chance like you said there may be. know you are trying not to hurt me further but its ok. i'm already hurt to a point where there is no cure. dont know what to or how to say either so i will stop here. the pain and feelings now is beyond words. thanks for the wonderful day today. hope you enjoyed yourself. i did very much. take care sweetheart.
Monday, March 14, 2005
really so sad when she told me just now that she has decided to quit ventures. this means that i wont get to see her on saturdays anymore. no chance to have breakfast with her on sat anymore. missed those sat last year when i will meet her at her house, then travel to school together for her extra lessons. and after which, she will come for meeting. 2 or 3 times we stayed back after meeting has ended to study before going to campfires. now, i wont have a chance to go to campfires with her anymore. going to miss those saturdays so very badly. thinking of it now, i wanted to tear again. now that she has decided to quit, i have no mood to go back for scout meetings anymore. the reason why i took up the leader position is because she is joining us as a venture and so i took it up so i can see her every week and also to 'protect' her and be with her, spend more time with her. its not because of the troop that i went back as a leader. the real reason is her. and now that the reason behind me going back is gone, i lost the drive to go back already. dont know when i will be able to see her again after she quit ventures. this tue is probably going to be the last time i can see her or go out with her. haiz.. going to look forward to this tue. yesterday, today and tomorrow was already dashed. hope i can really get to go out with her on tue and that nothing will crop up. i sincerely hope so..
Saturday, March 12, 2005
exactly 1 year ago on 12th march 2004, i went to recee the hike route with her for the 1st time after she finished her lessons. went to catholic jc and SJI area where we went for dinner at the food court at le meriden's hotel. after that, we went to robinsons to look for shirts because she said she wanted to get a shirt for her brother. was tricked that time because the shirt was actually meant for me. and the next day, on sat, 13th march 2004, exactly 52 weeks ago, she tricked me into rushing back to school again, saying there's something very important to tell me. i rushed all the wasy back and got a shock and surprise from her when she gave me a polo tshirt from giodarno. todays makes it exactly 1 year old already. loved that shirt very much but didnt wear it anymore as i didnt want to wear it out. that polo tshirt, together with the samuel n keith tshirt she gave me last christmas, are all very precious and priceless to me now. exactly 52 weeks ago, on this sat, we were at the dunman high guides campfire. didnt get to dance with her that time and i forever wont have a chance anymore. and during the supper after the campfire at the hawker center opposite my house, i wanted to sit with her but i didnt have the courage to. haiz... and now, its already 1 year. time really flies when one is having a very nice time. for me, those moments are gone forever..
Friday, March 11, 2005
why am i feeling so sad and why am i crying? is it because i felt left out just now, that as if i'm invisible and non-existent there? that i'm not important and that her other friends are more important than me?
why am i so thick-skinned to still tag around her, when i know that she will not tend to me? i'm just standing there, following her around like a parasite. why do i like to degrade myself so much? and after the whole event ended, i still want to hang around, trying to look out for her from a distance.
and why do i feel such a strong sense of jealousy just now, from the start till the end? is it because that all her friends are able to stay close to her, with her mum and sister there and that i dont even dare to stay close to them and have to just look from a distance? is it also because that her guy cg friends are so nice to her, so close to her sister, her mum and to her, while i, only said a 'hello' and after which, totally no more conversations? maybe its because i did not get to talk to her at all during the break, but only just following her around like a servant. could it also be that her friend, mostly like the one from nus, can touch her hair with his entire hand, mess it up and she didnt even say anything or push his hand away but yet for me, i just touch her fringe with my fingers only and she move her head away like they are some germs. or is it a combination of all these reasons? hm... i myself dont even know the answer.
but why do i feel jealous in the first place, when i dont have the right to in the first place. could it be that i still love her a lot? or is there some other reasons which i still so not know? that i still love her seems the most logical reason so far. but does she still love me? or has she has a liking for someone else? could it be from her cg? or maybe its her family friend from nus, the one in pinkish shirt with stripes? they seem so close together when walking away after she bidded goodbye to me. is it really that she has liked someone else? kept having this feeling but why do i keep having this feeling?
did she like the flowers or did she appreciate them? all she said is that she appreciated me coming down. nothing more, nothing less. wonder why did i try to do all these things. rushing down to buy the flowers and rushing back again. try to get help from teachers so that she wont see that i had flowers and so as to give her a surprise. but in the end, there seems to be no reaction from her. am i expecting a reaction? i dont know. if i'm not, then why am i doing all these things? is it to try to make her touched again? that doesnt seem to be the reason although subconsciously, it may be part of the reason. did i do all these because i really want to do it from the bottom of my heart or is it because of some other reasons again?
why am i so disappointed when i did not get to do jobweek with her? is it because i wont get to see her? i think this is very likely the answer. maybe its also because i was looking so forward to this weekend and when she's not coming, i was so disappointed. but did i expect this to possibly happen? it doesnt seem so. this time, i really didnt expect her to decide not to go in the last minute. and is not being able to see her again on saturdays the main reason why i was so sad when she wanted to quit ventures? it it also because of this reason that i feel so tired of scouting and dont feel like going for the basic leadership course anymore? think it is. reason why i signed up for it is because i want to be warranted to sign for all her tests so that she can pass easily and get her cca points. since she's intending to quit, what reason is there for me to go for the course or stay on in scouting? reason why i stayed is because she is here. now that she's going to go, i think i shld also.
also, why do i feel so sick about staying in halls and all the committess? why am i so fed up when i have to waste 2 weeks on preparing for events for another committee, resulting in no time to study and do my work again? i dont even feel like doing work or studying anymore and so why am i feeling so fed up about all these committees wasting my study time? is it because a part of me still want to study and is concerned about my studies? or is it because i just dont want to do anything, using the excuse of wasting my study time for not wanting to do anything? joined all the committees in the first place because i really wanted to stay on so that next time can recommend her so that she can get into hall easily. then that time can see her everyday already. another reason is also that i can meet her in the morning before she go to school or study together in my room. but now that she say she will never want to stay in hall and also that she has broken up with me, i have the reason to stay in hall anymore. yet on the other hand, i want to continue to stay as its more convenient. why did i have so many contradicting feelings? what's wrong with me?
haiz.. so many questions and yet i dont have a single answer to anyone of them. will i ever be able to have an answer to these questions? i dont know.. who knows what will happen next. maybe i wont even wake up tomorrow, now that i'm feeling so sick and terrible with such a high fever. i dont wish to care or bother so much. love or die is not up to me to decide.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
haiz.. suddenly all the things i was looking forward to this weekend is just dashed. thought that i can have a chance to do jobweek with her and see her during the weekend for 3 days. was looking so forward to the weekend and this kept me 'going' even though i was super tired. was telling myself that after today, tomorrow will be a freeday and then sat, sun, mon and tue can see her already. was even preparing to clean up my room so that mon when she is doing her work, it wont be so dirty. but now, not only will i not get to see her on mon, i wont even get to see her on sat and sun too. the things that kept me going are just dashed again. dont even know if i can get to see her on sat anymore or not. prob wont even get to see her already if even on sat i dont get to see her. really shouldnt look forward to things, look forward to the future. its time i learn my lesson. happened once and i still didnt learn, and now it happened again. dreams and hopes are just all bullshit and fake. why look forward to something? it usually doesnt come true, at least for me. haha.. lost all the motivation to do my work now. was so determined to do my work tonight because i know the weekend and the next few days i will be busy so i had better do them now. but now, there's no need to anymore. and i dont care either. work has been piling up, lectures not understood, tests failed anyway. why do i even feel pressuried and stressed due to my schoolwork? one half of me is concerned and worried and the other half is not and cant be bothered. this is driving me crazy... aahhh... why must i suffer all this? can somebody please end my misery? somebody please......................................
went for supper at newton circles early this morning with the entire committee after dinner and dance ended. couldnt find the fried prawn noodles stall from which we ordered from last year on 14.03.04, after went finished the hike recee. it was a fun day that day, walking in bukit timah and clementi area. last year was the first and last time i went to newton circles to eat with her. never thought that almost 1 year later, i will eat there again. the meal yesterday brought back so much sad memories. and this morning, i was waiting for her reply but she only replied after she reached school and her reply was so cold. haiz.. nevermind...
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
have not wrote any entries for quite some time already. tried not to write so much but really feeling very down now so decided to write a short one. have no where or no one to talk to except here. feel so angry and frustrated with the dnd thing. wanted to tell her but yet she doesnt want to hear it. used to tell her my problems and frustration but now, i cant do so anymore, except in here, to a non responsive one way avenue. nice isnt it? its just so nice...
Saturday, March 05, 2005
got to eat breakfast with her this morning at the haig road hawker center, just like how we used to do so last year. walking along that road from the market at haid road to school brought back so much memories. memories of how i will wake up early in the morning to come to haig road and walk her to school. missed those times so much..
felt so useless that i cant do anything to help her get the post she wanted. and when she cried, i cant do anything to comfort her also, except to just tell her not to cry anymore. when she cried last time, i will hug her close to me and comfort her but now i wont be able to do so anymore. today will be the last time i'm going to see her till next week. wanted to go swim or go to the gym tomorrow and wanted to ask her along but she's too busy.. was so disappointed although i anticipated it. feel so lonely and sad now. how i wish i can see her now, be beside her and talk to her. cant do all this and all i can do is to think of her and miss her..
finally got to see her today. although not for a long time, its already good enough. missed her so much and wished so badly to see her again. wondered if she had ever missed me after last dec. haiz.. so close yet so far from her. wanted to give her a big hug because i missed her so badly but i cant. this feeling is so very terrible. was trying to conceal it the whole time just now by trying to put a smile on my face. but i was indeed happy to be able to see her, just that i felt so sad that i'm just beside her and yet i cant do anything.. going to get to see her again tomorrow, before i wont get to again till next week. this type of life is just so miserable.. =(
Thursday, March 03, 2005
so glad that she did well for her o-levels. always knew that she will. she's such a clever girl. all the time that we spent last year studying together are all worth it. firstly, those times served as a fond memory for me now, and scondly, dont know if i helped her in any way or not, which i dont think so or not much, those times spent studying paid off as she got a1 for both her e maths and a maths. congradulations.. =)
missed her so much and so badly today. have not seen her for this whole week and i hope i will be able to tomorrow. when she said she was going to the gym just now, it reminded me of the times in the past when we went together. those very sweet memories, where i will wipe off her sweat for her as she did step-ups, and then walking together along the carpark to bedok interchange after the exercise to have dinner, snacks or durian, holding her hands and smiling to myself as i do so. these scenes just appeared right before my eyes so quickly and so suddenly when i saw her sms. right now, waiting for her to reach home and to call me. wanted to hear her voice so much. she used to say how she wished to hear my voice sometimes in the morning and now, i am having that feeling very badly.
haiz... alright then.. shall stop here. dont know when will be the next time i write an entry or whether i will even do so in the first place. just want to end off by saying congradulations once again. all the best in your future.. =)