Monday, September 26, 2005
its 26th sept today. 1 year since we went to watch the movie dodgeball and went sakae sushi at heeren for lunch. had so much laughter and fun that day. in 5 days time, it will be 1oct, 1 year since her prom night at the grand hyatt last year. can still remember that night so clearly. waiting for her outside till 11.15pm before i got to see her. she was so beautiful, so graceful that night. totally just like an angel. that was all last year, all in the past, never to happen again. i miss you so much sharon. wanted so much to be able to hear your voice, sms you, chat with you online and go out with you. even if its only one of these, i will be very contented already. but i cant even do any one of these. just 1 sms. just 1 sms from you and yet i cant even have this wish fulfilled. feel so miserable. so many problems, so much stress. i cant handle it soon. really wish to be able to talk to you because all my troubles go away when i'm talking to you. somehow wish that i had not made my move last april. at least we might still be very good friends now, talking about anything under the sun, just like how we used to do so. missed the days when i first got to know you. those pure friendship days. time when we used to tease each other, time when we sms each other many times a day, from early in the morning till late at night, especially when i was doing my standby duties in camp. sms-ing you and talking with you made time pass by so quickly then. the times we chatted on the phone for a long time, time when we planned the combined meeting together, hiked out the route together on that friday and sunday. really miss those days a lot. all the nice and beautiful memories which will stay in my mind forever. what would it be like now if romance and love has not taken over our friendship? would we be very good friends, very very good and close friends. the situation today can only be blamed on me. its all my fault that things are like this today. what if time could be turned back to the past? would i still have made my move? i really dont know. i have never regretted loving you. never ever a single second when i have regretted. you were the best present the world has given and still is. knowing you, loving you and spending almost 8 months of my life with you is the best thing that has ever happened in my life and i'm really grateful for that. if i were to die this very moment, the only regret will be because i was not able to be with you till the last breadth of my life, not being able to be friends with you as death seperates us. the only wish i have now is to be friends again, to be able to see her, hear her voice again, talk to her again. if i can just go out with her again, talk to her, see her again, for just 1 day, i'm more than willing to give up my life for just that 1 day. will this wish and prayer come true? oh god, please grant me my wish and prayer. please......
Sunday, September 18, 2005
wondering if you are reading this. guess chances are that you are not. you prob wont want to bother about me or have anything to do with me anymore isnt it? but do you know how much i miss you, how much i kept thinking of you, wondering how you have been. know you prob are doing fine and well but there is just something that made me keep thinking and worrying about you. its 18th sept today and it brought back sad memories again. memories of what we did on this day last year, going to the food fair at suntec to celebrate. this is so painful do you know? i'm trying to move on, but yet you didnt give me any chances to. how can you do this to me? you said everything and went back on everything. why did you extend my pain and suffering? if you want to ignore me, you should have done so last year and not come back to stop me. how can you be so cruel to me, playing time by your side, using it to cut off everything with me. i know i caused you to be living in worries but i already said i'm sorry and wont do it again. why cant you give me another chance? is it really so much to ask from you to just be friends, or just to have a talk to clarify everything? you said you wanted to clarify everything but you have not. i'm not good at catching hints. why must you give me hints when you know i usually dont catch them? just because you do not want to live in worries that i will commit suicide, you decided to cut off all communications and stop being friends with me so that you can live each day peacefully with an ease of heart? guess you wont be bothered now also if i do it again. why am i so soft hearted? why did i give in? why did i believe that you will cry and grief everyday? will you now? not to say everyday, will you even drop a tear now if i'm dead now? will you even know it in the first place? had a beautiful dream on friday. but will it come true? all the bad dreams and nightmares have all come true? will this beautiful dream come true also? should i wait? or should i not anymore? had already waited so long. i'm so tired. nobody cares. nobody bothers. even you dont bother about me now, whats there in life for me anymore? once thought that you really cared for me but i was wrong. there is just no place left for me anymore. just a meal and have to get scolded tat much. yes its my fault.. yes i'm not a man of my word. i broke my promise. i broke my other promises. since i had already done so so many times, whats 1 more? going to be the last anyway. just because of this, cant even go back happily, have the meal happily. and to know that the issue is about having to wait for me to wash up the dishes. hah.. the dishes!! not about not eating together, not about not being there.. but actually about having to wait to do the dishes... care? haha.. where is the care? you call that care? you call that concern? all of you are wrong.. there is none for me.. i dont belong here. no i dont. why am i even in this world in the first place? somebody tell me.. this is so unfair.. this is so very unfair......