Tuesday, April 26, 2005
the days are getting more and more unbearable. can feel such a buildup of pressure and stress inside me that as if its going to explode anytime. why must things turn out this way? why must she still insist on ignoring me? know she is getting tired of me. she may not hate me but she is getting tired and sick of me. really cant accept the fact that things end up this way. just exactly 1 year ago, she wrote her 1st entry and she called me her dearie but now she is avoiding and refusing to talk to me or meet me. this big difference is so hard to accept, so painful to bear. i cant even see her or talk to her now. cant go out with her, have meals together or shop together just like how we did last month. 1 month. 1 month and things are so different. what's going to happen tomorrow or the next minute? when will i ever get to see her or talk to her again? i miss her so much that i'm going crazy. this feeling is so painful and it really is literally. but does she know it? why does she still seem so unconcerned or not bothered about me? is she really so hardhearted, to see me suffer and yet is totally not feeling any aches at all? if she is, why must she still continue to hurt both of us? i cant take it much longer. the physical and mental pain is killing me. must she wait till i've fallen before she stop this? miss her so very very much...... when or will i see her again? why must i suffer like this? its so unfair. so very unfair...................
Monday, April 25, 2005
suddenly thought of the last time we went cycling together in pasir ris that saturday, 27 nov 2004. the thought send tears to my eyes and prangs of spasms to my heart again, literally. that was the last time i got to hold her close to me as we sat at the rock, watching the sea. can still remember the walk out to the main road, that long and quiet road, before running to chase after the bus outside downtown east. that was going to be the last saturday i am going to spend with her. this walk down memory lane is so painful. literally painful physically, not only emotionally. how long more before the pain is beyond my threshold, beyond what can be endured? wonders, questions and queries... all unanswerable...............
Sunday, April 24, 2005
have not seen her for almost 2 weeks already. ever since the day i first got to see her and know her, never have i not seen her for such a long time. last time didnt see her for 3 or 4 days i'm already dying and now, i am already dead. now just living for the sake of living that's all, living for the day i hope i can see her again. wonder when will that be or will that day even come in the first place. guessing and guessing, wondering and wondering, for as long as the mind and body can last.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
again, dreamnt of her and us together last night, only to wake to discover that it is only a dream and not a reality anymore. maybe its only in the dreams that i can really be happy, living out the way and life i wished for, not in the real world. wondered why things turned out this way. before i told her i love her and before we were together, we were such good friends, joking about anything and talking about everything for hours on the phone. and when we were together, we were so close and so loving together, aren't we? . we dor did i assume wrongly? that's what she used to say also. that we are so loving. we did so any many things together and talked to each other almost everyday, and i made sure i made time to meet her at least 2 to 3 times every week. saturdays used to be the day where we can really spend time together, having meals together, going out or watching movie together, studying together, just simply being beside her and be there for her. really missed all these times. holding her hands, hugging her when on the escalator, just being beside and close to her. suddenly, all these are gone, vanished without a trace. and now, we ended up in this state, she not wanting to talk to me or see me. from the day she left me, the friendship she said she wanted to develop closer has been getting colder and worse by the day, eventually ending up in today's state. what happened that things had to happen and end up so drastically? from being so close together to now being like as if we are enemies or strangers? what have i done wrong that she has to end our relationship and eventually do this to our friendship? i just cant figure out why. last year, we still went to watch shark tale on 20 nov right after my physics exam and who would have predicted that today after my physics exam, i will be all alone and sad. how drastic things turn out. last year, we were still so happy and loving together and now, 1 year later, we are like strangers and enemies. i just dont understand why and cant accept the fact that things ended up this way. everything i did was to make sure i can be with her forever and yet in the end, things turned out this way. just cant accept this blow. what made her change her attitiude so much? is there still love for me in her heart or is there just hatred and resentment for me? didnt she said she really loved me before? what happened that this love is no longer there anymore but replaced by this hatred and feeling? she used to be so concerned and worried about me isnt it? what made her take that away too, that she dont bother about my well being or me, whether i am alright or not. why this change? from what used to be the person who is the most concerned and worried about me ever in this world to now, totally not bothering about me at all. not only have i lost my dear beloved girlfriend, the person i love the most in this world, i have also lost what used to be the closest and best friend i ever had before we got together, someone who i can share everything with. she gave me such a wonderful feeling about life and now, i lost them all. why and what happened? know that its so highly impossible that we will be together again but i'm still hoping that we can because i really really love her very very much and want to spend my life with her. but why must she keep wanting me to move on and not hold on anymore. she know that i'm not able to do so but she still wants me to. does she really not love me anymore and never ever want to be with me anymore? is that the reason why? because she definitely will not be with me ever again so she wants me to give up hope? i dont want this. i dont want. why must it be this way? so many questions but yet no answers to any single one of them. i'm really such a failure and a good-for-nothing. maybe that is the answer to all those questions. maybe it is.
Friday, April 22, 2005
living in misery day after day, night after night. what joy is there in leading such a life? it's just living hell. everything she said in the past are all not real. what always will be there for me if i need somebody to talk to or need somebody for support. now she tell me dont want me to rely on her for emotional support and be dependent on her. she never kept her word or promises. she always break them and say i'm blaming her. this is what i get in return for being nice to her. everything to her are just mistakes. big mistakes which she is regretting now. and to atone for those mistakes, i am left to misery and pain. being nice never pays. all the while it never did. good people die first and suffer the most. zuo ren nan, zuo hao ren gen nan. promises? is there such a thing in the first place?
Thursday, April 21, 2005
how long more can i endure this before i breakdown totally? take it easy? move on? all these are so easily said than done. why must love be a crime? what's wrong with loving somebody and wanting to be with her forever? what in the world is wrong with this that i had to be punished like this? what wrong have i done? it's such a painful torture to be dreaming of her everynight, waking up to the fact that she is not there anymore. the thought of dreaming of her tearing just rips my heart apart. and now, she wont even want to talk to me anymore. how i wish to see her but when will i be able to or will i ever be able to again? why cant you spare me of this torture, take me away so that i wont have to wake up everyday to this misery. i do not want such a life. what have i done to deserve such a horrible fate? what?
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
how long more must this go on? why treat me like this? dont you feel anything at all for doing this to me? how can you be so cruel? after 1 year plus, you actually have the heart to treat me like this. why do i deserve this? why must this happen to me? what have i done wrong to you? what have i let you down? this is so unfair. this is so unfair!!!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
why must you torment and torture me like this? what have i done wrong to deserve all this? if you dont love me or if you hate me just say so. why say you still love me and then put me through such a slow torture? if you still love me you wouldn't have done this to me. how can you bear to do this to me? you know that i cant do without you and you leaving me is already so painful to me. and now, not contacting me and not bothering about me. you know i cant not contact you and now you are doing it to me. after all that i've done and put in, this is what i get in return. to be put through such a torture, to be treated this way and in the end, be ignored totally and no longer friends. what be very good friends. all are not what you sincerely meant. everything you said are never true or never happened at all. all this while, you are the one who broke your promises and you are the one who lied. and to say that you hate liars when you yourself are lying. never thought that you can be so cruel and heartless. help me? now i know what you mean by helping me. to get me into all this pain, to let everybody know what a useless person i am, and when this is achieved, get rid of all contact, friendship and everything with me. well, you've got what you always wanted. to get rid of me and to see me suffer. you must be happy and satisfied now aren't you. to have achieved your goal. this must have been the day you have been waiting for so long. carrying out your plan for 1 year, making me believe that you love me with all those promises and words and cards, making me love you more and more each day, doing everything for you in the hope of really be able to be with you forever, making me be so serious to this relationship and then after i've fallen heads over heels for you, breakup with me, breaking my heart into pieces and then yesterday on 18th april, so as to cause the maximum hurt, knowing how much i value this date, stopped being friends with me and stopped all contact with me. that was such a successful and detailed planning. concerned about me? are you really concerned about me? or are you concerned if i am still alive so that i can get to 18th april so that you can cause the maximum hurt to me? nothing can feel worse than this. to be fooled, tortured and betrayed by the person you love so much, someone you are willing to do everything for, and in the end, to be treated as a stranger by her. now i know everything i did so willingly for you are all foolish wishful thinking of my part, thinking and believing that you are really touched and appreciate it and that everything you said are real. i'm really so gullible to even up till now, believe that you still love me. just dont understand why you can actually bear to do this to me without even feeling anything. maybe it's because you have never truly loved me so that's why you dont feel anything about the past or feel anything by hurting me and torturing me this way. deep in your heart, maybe you have never truly loved me. if you did, you wont bear to see me suffer in this way. all there is to blame is me, for falling so deeply in love with you and not heeding other people's advice of not to be so serious and treat the relationship so seriously. this is my greatest weakness, to really love a person so deeply when i love someone. maybe there really isnt such a thing as true love and a serious relationship leading to marriage. i was so stupid to believe this, that being serious and true to the person you love will really lead to being together forever. maybe relationships are really not meant to be taken so seriously but as an experience of courting the person you want. and you've achieved that, dont be so serious. i refused to believe this and now i'm paying the price. for you, guess you must be happy that you have achieved your goal. hope that you really are happy for doing this to me. no matter what you have done to me, i will not hate you. my feelings towards you will always be the same, regardless of how much pain you are causing me or how much you are torturing me. in my heart, you will alwys be the one person whom i truly and sincerely love, even if you do not love me. will remember the days when we were still together and when we were still friends. that's a promise.
she really didnt sms me anymore. not yest nite, not this morning. lost the person i love, and now i lost my closest friend. what joy is there in life anymore? after knowing her for 16 months, she's gone from my life just like that. no more sms from her, no more morning chats with her, no more encouragements from her, no more seeing of her, no more going out with her, no more of everything. she's been my everything and my life for the past 1 year and now, she's totally gone from my life. how am i going to accept this pain? all that i have worked for and done for all this time has gone down the drain. not only will i not be able to be with her and spend my life with her, i wont even be able to contact her, chat with her, or see her once a week anymore. how am i going to take it easy? that is an answer i would like to know too. how do i find the mental strength to endure this and the emotional will to suppress my feelings? this mental and emotional strength is too much to endure. oh god, whoever you may be, if you are real, take away my suffering please. help me. i'm begging you. please... life without her is not life anymore. it's worse than death to live this way without her. please. i'm begging you, praying to you, whatever it is. help me.........
Monday, April 18, 2005
how am i supposed to move on when i think of her, miss her and think of the times when we were together everytime? how am i supposed to forget everything? how do i suppress my feelings when they are real? have her feelings been real? still love me? if she still loves me how can she bear to do this? if her feelings are real and true how is it that she can just leave it all behind? and now, to end up as strangers, unable to contact one another. this is so damn painful. so so painful. everything just hurts so much and its so unbearble. the pain of forcing myself not to contact her or send her any sms, the thought of not being able to see her again, after knowing each other for 1 year 4 months. how do i move on and endure all this??!! somebody tell me.. please. how do i forget all the past? how to get rid of my feelings for her? i cant do it. somebody tell me how did she do it. why why why...
why must things turn out this way? why? just 1 year ago i just told her i love her and now, we are going to be like strangers from now on. i really love her a lot and now, we are going to be strangers. why play such a big prank on me? i cant take this kind of jokes. please let this all be a terrible nightmare which i can wake up from soon. please, i beg you, heaven, god, whoever it is. please..
Saturday, April 16, 2005
2 more days and counting down. will it be it? guess the answer will be revealed pretty soonl. went to ginza plaza just now and all the memories came back again. how we used to walk on the bridge to the plaza, go down the escalator, to the restaurant to have lunch, the snackshop when she bought her snacks. all these wont happen again. it exist just as a memory in me now, forever in my head. all there is in me are just memories and unfilled dreams. nothing more.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
it's been 4 months. months since the last time i went out with her as my girlfriend. all seems so normal then. never ever expected that she has already decided to want to break up. there are no signs, no clues, no hints or whatsoever. just so suddenly. been 4 long torturing months. the most important day is coming soon. its all coming soon. so very soon.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
hi blog. 5 more days. just 5 more days. its getting so near. at this moment, i do not know how or what to writ. having so much feelings inside me but i just cant say them out or describe them anymore. 1 thing i know for sure is that i miss her so much but yet i cant tell her. want to tell her how badly i miss her and need her but i cant tell her but to hide it inside me. its such a terrible feeling to hide all your emotions, thoughts and feelings inside you. felt like i'm going to explode soon. may it all end soon.
Monday, April 11, 2005
been quite some time since i last wrote an entry. nothing much to write either. just that emotions and feelings are building up again. dont know when it reach the peak but it wont be long. 1 more week to that special day. the thought of it makes my heart wrench in pain and tears to form in my eyes again. once again, missed her so very very much. time left to see her is running out soon, just like how it is running out when july arrives. well, shall stop here now. cant think clearly already. mentally and emotionally unstable again and this time, probably much worse. bye...
Sunday, April 03, 2005
passed by so many places we used to go to together in the past in yesterday's night cycling. was thinking of her and the times we spent together in those places so much that i didnt even know where i was going anymore. even ran straight into a chain barricade near the esplanade bridge onto incoming traffic. was in a world of my own that i only woke up after i ran into the chain, to the shock of everybody who saw me go straight into it without slowing or signs of stopping. haha. must be such an interesting sight. all the memories just flooded back yesterday night. lau pat sat, newton circles, taka, all the couples there, holding hands as they walked. just miss her so very much and terribly. at this very moment in time, wanted to tell her that i miss her and call her to talk to her but know that she prob will be very busy and has no time to talk. how i wish i can see her now, face to face. can only look at her photos now but i want to see her real face. have to wait till tues and that is so long away. how many more times do i still have to see her? bao bei, i miss you so much so much.. where are you my dear? why are you so far away from me?
Saturday, April 02, 2005
dont know why do i come back to hall for also. know very well that i will not be able to concentrate or do my work but yet i still came back, only to be more depressed by all the sad memories that surfaced. today is one day where so many coinciding of memories occur, resulting in all the heart wrenching feelings i am feeling now. exactly 52 weeks ago was the combined meeting hike, the hike where i spent almost the whole day with her alone for the very first time, took photos alone with her for the very first time. although tomorrow 3 april marks exactly 1 year but today brings back the sad memories too. and staying in the room now reminds me of the saturdays last year when we will study together on this very room. and normally at this time, we will be having a break, watching tv or starting to have dinner already. and now here i am, alone and sad. will be going for the campfire soon and it also reminds me of the times with her in the past when i went to a few campfires with her, with the most memorable one being the ngee ann campfire. took many beautiful photos of her and us together. that will never happen again. not only has she left me, she has also quit ventures. miss those days so very very much. tonight will be going for overnight cycling, something which we wanted to do together but never ever had the chance to. still remembered all the times we cycled together. once in the chalet, together with wenxiang in pasir ris, once just alone with her in east coast park after which we had dinner at the food centre at east coast park. that was such a beautiful saturday. third time was again at pasir ris park again, together with her best friend sophia. regretted so much now that i did not more time cycling with her then. now i have no more chance to cycle with her anymore, to sit at the breakwater, hugging and holding her, looking at the sea together. the 4th and very last time was also at pasir ris park, alone with her, for the very last time. nothing much happened that saturday but it was still a very inforgettable day with her. all these are just memories, occupying a part of my mind, never to happen again. so saddened at the thought of this. why must this happen? feeling so miserable and miss her so much now. do you know this baby? my heart is calling out in vain for you. can you hear it? calling and calling till it cant anymore. miss you so much now sweetheart. dont know if you will get to read this today. if you do, can you give me a call or sms? know that it will be late but if you want to, i'm sure you will still use the phone right? unless i'm wrong this time. really hope for your call later. but if you really cant or didnt get to read this today, then its just too bad for me then. take care then. goodnight.
Friday, April 01, 2005
cant control my tears and feelings anymore. has already lost count of the number of times i have broken down today. whythe fact that i'm no longer part of her life anymore, that things are no longer the same and that we are is she so hard-hearted? know that i miss her so much and is feeling so miserable now and wish for her sms or call but yet she still didnt even send a sms. how can she bear to do this? she really has the heart to see me suffer and dont care a single bit, leaving as i am? dont she have any feelings for me left at all? after all the time that we spent together, she can bear to do this to me. friends? she know that i have never wanted to just be friends with her. and now that i have no choice but to force myself to accept to be friends with her, she is ignoring my feelings time and again. know that she is busy and that she is having lunch with her friends, at least she can tell me where she is eating so that i can have an idea where she is at this moment. but no. she refused to tell me and also didnt send any sms. am i expecting too much or placing myself in too high a position? i am willing to do all these does not mean she is willing. what they say is right. i did too much and sacrificed too much for her, more than what she did for me, too much for my own good. and now, i am left to suffer in silence and pain for eternity for everything i did for her which i have never regretted. still cant get the fact that i am no longer part of her life, that we are no longer the type of friends we used to be and most importantly, that she has already gotten to life without me. she can do without me but yet here i am, unable to do so without her. no way out now but out.
feeling worse and more and more build up of emotions as the day draws nearer and nearer. we used to tell each other everything. everything little thing. and now, she actually said that there's no need to report to me every details. i'm just curious and concerned about her so that's why i'm asking and she said i'm wanting her to report to her. REPORT!! haha... that's so nice.. so very nice... Happy April's Fool Day.. last year april fool day we went to have dinner together and this year, i'm a fool, crying my heart out. i'm not just a april fool but also the biggest and most silly fool in this world. i hate this world.. i hate everybody... i hate all of you.. i hate my life........