Friday, February 25, 2005
haiz.. heard the news that my ex S4 officer passed away due to brain tumour. he's still so young.. only 30 and he dies just like that.. so unexpectedly. life is really so short and unpredictable? nobody knows when he will die.. when will my turn come? am i having the same problem also? with all these headaches? haiz.. dont care also.. just enjoy life and do all the things you like to do while you still can.. why think so much about the future?
enough of sad news although my life is a sad one and mostly consist of them.. anyway, had a very very nice time with her just now.. first time in 2 months plus she asked me out for dinner.. had a very wonderful dinner and nice time shopping at tampines.. but still a bit disappointed because you didnt let me sit beside you.. and when i just wanted to feel your hair, you also dont allow me to.. am i such a distance from you now? even when you buy your thing you dont let me be at that level or want to tell me what you buying until i ask you. you seem to want to keep certain things from me.. i guess you have the right to but is there really a need do things this way, to see that i go all the way up to the next level before you walk away to buy your things? you really dont trust me that much? i'm already on the escalator on my way up. even if its personal things which you dont wish to let me know, must you go to this extend of not wanting to let me know, looking at me to make sure i really go all the way up before you feel asssured to buy your stuff? never thought that things, our friendship and level of trust will degrade to such a level, where you dont seem to trust me anymore. really hurts me so much so much, to know that things degraded from what used to be that we share all our secrets with one another in the past to such a state now where you dont trust me and dont allow me to know things about you.. anyway, thanks for asking me out for this dinner.. really enjoyed it..
Thursday, February 24, 2005
haha.. didnt know what to say either.. now i'm just a person who hurt you with my words.. maybe that's what i have always been doing, hurting and hurting and hurting you even more. probably that's one of the reason why you left me i guess.. think its really time i keep certain things to myself, just like you instead of sharing my every secrets with you.. not that i dont want to but it will only hurt you everytime i tell you everything.. the phrase 'no secrets between us' doesnt apply anymore i guess.. its something of the past and maybe even in the past, it didnt happen totally.. think you also had some secrets or things which you didnt tell me either.. so i dont suppose you will tell me everything now when you didnt even when we were together.. guess today is a very good example.. dont blame you.. i understand.. you want your freedom.. i've no rights to know everything and you dont have to tell me everything.. so i will do the same also, so that you wont be hurt or worry about me anymore.. my life doesnt belong to you nor anybody anymore, unlike in the past.. anything that happen to me now is just my own problem, me and myself only.. you take care of yourself.. looking forward to having dinner with you tomorrow.. hope i can get to watch movie with you on saturday.. goodnight my dear.. know this entry will prob hurt you again but its going to be the last timw i'm hurting you with my words, like you said this morning.. so sorry once again.. sweetdreams and sleep tight.. you must be tired after your conference.. hope you have a good rest tonight.. cya tomorrow.. will be thinking of you always, no matter where i am.. love you my dear.. in the past, now, in the future and forever will...
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
haiz.. felling so very stressed from all the tests coming up now.. and then so much work to do somemore and no time left. ahhhh.... in the past i still used to have her studying together with me, encouraging me with words and little hugs and kisses.. but now i'm left all alone to fight everything by myself..
i miss you so much so much sharon.. miss all the times we used to study together, go out together, watch movie together, eat together and all the things we do together so much.. know saying all this is of no use but i have get it of my heart.. every single moment, my thoughts and mind is filled with you and all the memories.. used to write my feelings in our book but now i can only write them here and the feelings are all totally different types already.. still remember how you last time used to sometimes write in the book whenever you are free or very sian when we just got it not long that time. still find it so funny thinking back now.. still can imagine your mischief then.. see less of your mischief now already though and miss it quite a bit.. you lool so cute when you are mischievous.. *remember that time how you mixed all the sauces into the soup when we are eating at the hakwer centre opp my house? think you dont remember le. its such a long time ago and you have sstm... lol...* those were the happiest days of my life.. never been happier before..
alright then.. shall stop here. remember to eat your lunch my honey.. =)
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
feb 22.. founder's day and thinking day.. 1 year ago, on this day, it was a sunday.. i met you at paya lebar mrt station at 3pm to pass you the photocopied maps for the combined hike and you were late.. haha.. then you being 'fussy', wanted to enlarge the maps.. cant find any such service at tanjong katong complex so we went to peninsula plaza instead.. do you still remember all this? then over there, we enlarged the maps by cutting and pasting the different pieces together.. so fun that time, disturbing and teasing you most of the time then.. when done, you took the train home and i forgot to pass you your cd badge which turned out to be spoilt.. some time later, you sms me saying about the pervert and i even called you crazy because your english is so broken.. when i knew what actually happened, i was so sorry.. the next day, met you at eunos mrt station at 8pm to pass you the badge and waterproofed maps and sent you home.. that was the first time i sent you home, 23 feb 2004. less than 8 months later, 16 dec 2004, i sent you home for the last time. not exactly to your home as i didnt even get to walk you to your block.. from feb 2004 to dec 2004, it was such a nice and wonderful 9 months and now, its 1 year already. 1 year since i knew you and be friends with you.. really a very wonderful and great 2004.. and it all started with the founder's day rehersal.. and i'm so glad and thankful for it... =) though you find it a stupid day, but hope you dont mind me wishing you..
happy founder's day and thinking day, sharon.. thanks for the wonderful year.. i love you forever and ever...
Sunday, February 20, 2005
haiz.. sad sad feelings today again.. she didnt sms me when she wake up and also didnt call me when she reach home.. and now, i wont get to contact her anymore sa she doing her work now.. on the sunday 44 weeks ago, i was such a happy person with so much hopes and dreams.. the future looks so beautiful at that time when she called me 'dear'.. but now, i'm a sad and lonely person with no dreams, no smiles and no life..
when will you come back to me again my dear? will you even come back to me? when will the day come when i can hear you call me dear or sweetheart again or will i even hear it again in the first place? know you wont answer these questions.. but i really miss you so much so much now.. will you ever visit me again or study together again? miss these little things we did together in the past together a lot also.. in fact, miss so many things and all the things we did together in the past.. guess things are different now so i probably wont get to do these things anymore.. miss you n love you my dear.. goodnight.. sweetdreams...
just finished talking to her on the phone.. after this, dont think will be able to contact her for quite some time already till she reach home or something.. miss her so much so much.. dont know how to describe what i am feeling now also.. its like i'm going to explode from all the built up pressure already..
miss you so badly sharon... i dont how to or what to say either.. want to spend more time with you but its not possible.. want to talk to you but there is so little time and i have so much to want to tell you.. somehow, when i talk to you, i just cant seem to say what i want to say. maybe its because i want to let you talk and hear your voice. i feel so at ease whenever i hear your voice.. on the surface i seem ok but inside me, its not. i know all u are is treating me as a friend now.. though i dont want to but i have no choice. have to 'accept' it but this 'pressure' is building up and its eating me up and killing me bit by bit everyday.. maybe one day it will explode.. cant take you off my mind sharon.. i miss you very much and i love you.. always..
loving you always....
got to see her again today.. had a very nice time in junction 8 with her, eating the egg crepes and yakitori.. had such an immense feeling in my heart today when i was on the train with her.. there she was, standing right in front of me, like how she would use to in the past. wanted so much to hold her but i cant.. fighting a war with myself and my feelings.. chorus of the lyrics of the song "Dying inside to hold you" describes how i felt.. this is how it goes:
"(And) i was dying inside to hold you
I couldn't believe what i felt for you
dying inside i was dying inside
but i couldn't bring myself to touch you"
haiz.. hope she had a nice time today at junction 8 today as i did very much.. but as usual, so many things i wanted to tell her and talk to her about but time seems so very little.. so many things to tell her but yet not enough time to talk to her.. think i gonna end here.. eyelids so super heavy now.. struggling to stay awake to finish this entry.. mus write an entry at least once everyday.. so in case tomorrow never come, i will have left some last words just the day before... alright then.. shall end here... fever really coming up already.. goodnight my dear... sweetdreams.. hope u enjoyed the food today..
Friday, February 18, 2005
its all been foolish and wishful thinking on my part.. all the while.. how can it be? will it ever be possible? maybe it will maybe it wont.. probably i should start now but can i do it? counting down and down and down.. to what? the DAY itself...
haiz.. no chance to talk to her again today.. how much more time do i still have to talk to her? how long will i take to save that amount of money? will i be able to make it in time? haiz... must really start saving and spend less money from now on..
Thursday, February 17, 2005
just read that the chief executive of SembCorp had passed away.. dont know who he is but its just so sad.. he passed away yesterday, 2 days after suffering a massive stroke and collapsed on monday evening.. just 1 week ago, it was the 1st day of chinese new year and he must be celebrating with his family. and who will expected or predicted on that joyous 1st day of chinese new year that exactly 1 week later, he will be dead and lying in a coffin.. haiz.. life is really so unexpected.. really no one knows what will happen tomorrow, the day after or next week.. who knows, maybe i may not be around also tomorrow, next week or some other days later with all this headaches and pains here and there. life is merciless.. one moment you are alive and kicking, the next moment you may just drop down dead.. no hints, no clues, nothing...
what a bad day.. so much work to do and still have to study for test this sat.. had such a bad headache again.. this really sucks.. somemore wanted to talk to her but she's not free.. dont know when can talk to her again.. tomorrow morning she prob will be studying her physics and wont be able to talk again.. really going crazy... AAAAHHHHHHHHHH *screaming out loud*
what a bad day.. so much work to do and still have to study for test this sat.. had such a bad headache again.. this really sucks.. somemore wanted to talk to her but she's not free.. dont know when can talk to her again.. tomorrow morning she prob will be studying her physics and wont be able to talk again.. really going crazy... AAAAHHHHHHHHHH *screaming out loud*
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
haiz... was tearing again just now.. wanted to talk to her but didnt get to talk to her much today again.. and she's being cold to me again today.. did i do anything wrong again? haiz..... why are you being cold to me again? or am i too sensitive? cant be that i'm too sensitive.. i know it and i can feel it..
wanted to talk to her today but has no chance to.. miss her so much, especially so everytime i'm not feeling well or am sick.. been feeling quite bad for some time already but didnt tell her except yest's headache which i cant take it anymore.. thought that my head is going to explode or something. maybe my blood pressure is getting higher? or is it already high? dont care also.. will i be able to still see her 'surprise' for me or eat her cookies? maybe i am not fated to taste her cookies anymore or see the surprise she spent so much time on last year. what if i really did get into an accident or something happen to me? what if.........................................
been waiting and want to talk to her but dont dare to send her one as she is studying. when she send, she prob is going to bed soon.. haiz.. but at least its better than nothing.. a gd nite sms is better than none.. =)
i'm such a failure and loser.. cant even help her to make the cd correctly.. such a simple task and yet i cant do it right. only disapppoint her every time. haiz.. couldnt really sleep yesterday also.. kept thinking of so many things, of what happened yest and was tearing for quite some time.. haiz.. miss her so much.. today is exactly 2 months already.. this 2 months seem like 2 years to me, passing by so slowly.. its such a terrible nightmare which i wish never happened..
hmmm.... today is your audition for your temasek idol already.. i have confidence you can do it.. you're such a talented girl.. Jia you, my baby... supporting you all the way... =)
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
15feb.. 1 year ago was the first time that i got to meet up with her and sort of talk to her person to person while planning the combined hike routes.. before that, didnt have the chance to talk to her.. everytime is just talking to the whole lot of people as a whole but that day was the first time i got to talk to her in person, face to face..
had such a terrible headache today.. almost got into accidents a few times.. almost fell off the stairs twice and almost hit by a car in town also.. hehe.. but nothing happened in the end also.. i am still here now, writing this entry.
so sorry to have made you so worried just now.. *a million apologies* really didnt mean to make you worried.. sorry sweetheart.. was very touched when u said u teared.. that left me thinking, what if i really did have an accident and cant reply your sms or call you ever again just now. will you be able to find out what happened to me and if you do, when will that be? the pain in my head was building so fast and so badly that i thought its going to explode soon. and what if one day or night, something did happen and i did not manage to wake up again, and could not sms you in the morning again, how will you react? if that happens, there is only 1 thing i ask for and that is that i hope you can come to my wake and see me one last time for i would like to see you once last time although i dont know if after i'm gone, i can still 'see' you or not.. dont know what's it like when a person is dead also. will the soul still linger around to 'see' and 'be with' the loved ones for the last time or is there no such thing as a soul? very glad to hear you call me baby again and that you are very scared in the sms just now. even if anything is to happen, i will have no regrets and can rest in peace also already, knowing that you are still concerned about me. the word 'baby' means so much to me now. even if it does not mean what it used to mean when we were still together, i will still choose to 'deceive' myself that it is. at least by doing that, i can leave happily. but i hope it has the same meaning as in the past. i really hope so.. love you forever, my dear.....
Monday, February 14, 2005
i'm really such an idiot to have written those entries to disappoint and hurt her again and again.. hate myself so much so much.. today was supposed to be a happy day for her, where she was touched by what i gave her and did.. but now because of all these stupid entries, those feelings are gone, replaced by disappointment.. why must i write those entries? maybe i shouldnt write anymore.. the things i wrote only hurt her more.. havent i hurt her enough? i'm such a big jerk.. really so sorry sharon.. i didnt mean it.. by the time u see this entry, it will probably be a few days later already.. really very sorry sweetheart.. sorry to spoil your happy day.. forgive me please...
so happy to know that she liked the flowers and cushion and the surprise very much. knowing that she liked the flowers and find them very nice, i'm very contented already. nothing else matters, even if it is very expensive.. money doesnt matter to me as long as she is happy and like it. really so happy when she said that it is the best valentine gift.. a pity i cant give it to her as my valentine, as my girlfriend. really wanted to do so but i dont have a chance. if not, it will be the best thing that happen. but still glad that i can give it to her as a friend. hope that i will have a chance to give her flowers on 14feb as my girlfriend next time and that i can get to eat her cookies. when she said i must eat her cookies every year for at least 30 or 60 more years, i wanted to say i wanted to eat them forever, with her baking them for me as my girlfriend and next time as my wife.. i dont want to eat them as a friend but i didnt tell her that and was tearing at that time.. hope she didnt realise that i was tearing.. dont know will have a chance for her to bake cookies for me as my girlfriend again and next time as my wife or not..
Happy Valentine's Day, my dear...
today is valentine's day already.. she got the flowers i gave her.. so glad that she received it. was so afraid that it will be given to the wrong person.. valentine's day.. the day i got to know her name and her handphone number last year. thought that this year's valentine's day can be spent with her and that she will be my valentine but in the end, still have to spend it alone aagin.. maybe i am fated to spend valentine's day alone. maybe i am destined to never be able to have a girlfriend or someone who loves me.. maybe in the first place, both of us are not meant or fated tp be together in the first place. fate or heaven must have made a mistake by bringing us together. a very big mistake.. she probably felt that we wont be together or not meant to be together in the first place also. why am i crying again? why cant i control myself? she wasnt meant to be mine right from the start. maybe she shouldnt have called me on the 18th of april last year to clarify things. she should have just let me continue to think that she didnt like me at all. if she felt that we cant be together eventually because of our religion difference, why call me and tell me that she likes me also, and eventually, starting our relationship? afterall, she wants a partner who not only loves her, but also a soul mate whom she can communicate with spiritually. if she knows i cant do so, why call me that day, giving me hopes that this difference can be worked out, but eventually still insistent that it cant be worked out afterall. and why am i so stubborn at that time, insisting that we give each other a chance again when she wanted to end it just 5 days after we started. its all my fault.. i shouldnt have been so stubborn. i brought all this onto myself.. i deserved it. why must such a stubborn person like me exist in this world? maybe i shouldnt anymore...
Sunday, February 13, 2005
went to visit mr mah, my old scout master today.. was waiting at tanah merah mrt station for the rest to come.. thought of our 3rd month anniversart while waiting. took the train to changi airport with her at tanah merah to celebrate out 3rd month anniversary. we were still arguing whether can take the train we are on straight to the airport or not or must definitely change to another train at tanah merah. after the visiting, took bus back at simei mrt station. thought of her also when waiting. simei mrt station, like tanah merah, was a station i went to with her once only. that time was on 15th april. went to simei with her as she went there for her cell group. that day was the day i gave her the piglet watch.. then 3 days later, on the 18th, i told her that i love her.. but now, things are all different already.. tomorrow is valentine' day. hope she will like the cushion and the flowers. dont know if there is anyh guy who has a crush on her also or not and if so, will he do anything tomorrow? will e give her flowers or dedicate a song to her also? what will her reaction be? haiz... really so scared so scared..
it was exactly 8 months ago that we had our chalet at aranda country club. that place was really beautiful and big, like a real flat. had a wonderful 32 hours with her, not knowing that it will be the longest time i am ever going to spend with her. felt so much like a married couple then with our own house. but sadly, this will never happen again..
happy valentine's day sweetheart...
went to visit mr mah, my old scout master today.. was waiting at tanah merah mrt station for the rest to come.. thought of our 3rd month anniversart while waiting. took the train to changi airport with her at tanah merah to celebrate out 3rd month anniversary. we were still arguing whether can take the train we are on straight to the airport or not or must definitely change to another train at tanah merah. after the visiting, took bus back at simei mrt station. thought of her also when waiting. simei mrt station, like tanah merah, was a station i went to with her once only. that time was on 15th april. went to simei with her as she went there for her cell group. that day was the day i gave her the piglet watch.. then 3 days later, on the 18th, i told her that i love her.. but now, things are all different already.. tomorrow is valentine' day. hope she will like the cushion and the flowers. dont know if there is anyh guy who has a crush on her also or not and if so, will he do anything tomorrow? will e give her flowers or dedicate a song to her also? what will her reaction be? haiz... really so scared so scared..
happy valentine's day sweetheart...
Saturday, February 12, 2005
today is a sad sad day with lots n lots of recollection of memories.. was trying to do my work today. was doing till the afternoon when i just cant concentrate any further. kep thinking of the saturdays 4 months ago when we were studying together in my room, on a saturday afternoon just like today.. finally cant take it anymore so went out at 2.30pm. went to jurong point to shop around there. have not been there for quite some time already. last time there was on 4th december. this place also brought back many memories.. saw the sweetalk outlet where we used to buy drinks n desserts like 'ching tang' last time. used to wait for her there at jurong point, shopping and walking around the entire shopping centre last time, till she finish her service. saw the shop from where i bought my first bouquet of sunflower for her from on 8th may. its still there, and so are the other shops in jurong point. after leaving jurong point, took mrt to orchard. along the way, i was looking out of the window and saw our combined meeting hike route where we receed together. the long road commonwealth ave west, where we had so much fun talking, clementi community centre where she saw my speech and laughed her head off, buona vista poilce post where she bought the apple slurpee which is spoilt, queensway sec sch which we used as background to take a photo and jurong east mrt station, the mrt station i went to so many times within a short period of 1 month. memories flooded my mind as i took the train from boon lay to raffles place. teared a bit on the train but i dont care either. when at orchard, i just loitered around alone before going to lau pa sat for dinner. everybody is with either their boyfriend or girlfriend or with their friends. i seem to be the only who is there alone. asked my good friend since sec 1 out yest but he said he's not free as he's going to a friend's house at noon. and when i was still in my room, i saw him online, all the way till i went out at 2.30pm, he's still online.. so much for a good friend.. everybody is all lying to me de.. nobody can be trusted.. i've been a real stupid fool these 22 years, trusting everybody and believe in whatever they said.. even the people closest to me and i trust most also lied to me and betrayed my trust.. now, i learnt to be smart.. i will trust nobody now.. not a single person anymore.. i'm sick and tired of this world.. this fake world, where everybody just 'eat you up' for trusting them too much and being so gullible and stupid.. i uterly disappointed with life now.. its something i dont wish to have now.. a real let down...
after leaving orchard, went to lau pa sat for dinner. although only went there once with her and we had already broken up at that time, it still brought back sad memories for me. that night, 21st dec is also a night i wont forget. by right that date should have been my anniversary next year.. bought spinach noodles from the same stall we bought 'guo tie' from on the 21st. 1st time i bought spinach noodles on my own and 3rd time i'm eating it. 1st time i ate it was at the foodcourt in plaza singapura. ate it with her and she was the one who introduced me to this new dish. in fact, she introduced me to many new and nice food when i was with her, dishes and food which i would never have tried on my own if without her. ate my first bowl of 'ban mian' with her, first time tried 'snow ice' with her, tried 'guo tie' for the 1st time with her also.. have not ate any of these dishes ever since she broke up with me. after tonight's spinach noodles, i dont think i will eat any of these dishes again.. they made me want to cry everytime i see these dishes. everything in life now can make me think of her and cry.
also made a very very 'stupid mistake' just now. i'm really such an idiot.. IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT!!! she called me just now because she felt insecure as its vert late le yet i didnt realise it and asked her to call me when she reached home.. its so so stupid of me to do that.. and in the end, when i tried to call her, she didnt want to talk anymore. why am i so dumb? why? can somebody please tell me why? she seldom go back so late de and now she felt insecure and need me to talk to her, i just didnt realise it.. when i was with her last time, we always didnt go out till so late de.. she will always want to be home by 9pm or 9.30pm. but when she is out with her church members, she go home so late.. really felt jealous but i got no right to feel so now.. maybe i'm not somebody important in her heart in the first place, or at least not important enough to make her want to spend more time with, unlike her members, whom she is willing to spend more time with and go back later. this is probably another proof that her religion and members are way more important than i am, to the extend of willing to go home later so that she can spend more time with them. maybe its my wishful thinking that i am important in her life and the reason why she dont want to go home late is because she dont want to get scolded by her dad. well, it doesnt matter now also anyway.. at least i got to know today where i used to stand in her heart and what is really more important to her, important enough to 'nervermind la. dont care' even though she's going to reach home very late.. now i know.. finally...........
had a nice dream yesterday but its a dream which probably wont come true.. had a feeling of sadness yesterday when she sent me an sms, saying that she will go for the temasek idol to leave a leagcy for herself so that next time she can tell her children.. when i read it, i was feeling so sad. it reminded me of last time, when she will say that as our children. now i dont think that will be possible anymore.. life is really so unpredictable.. haiz....
Friday, February 11, 2005
11 feb.. 16 weeks since i prepared my surprise for her brithday celebration and 20 weeks since her prom night, the night she looked so very gorgeous and pretty.. doubt i will have a chance to see her so nicely dressed up again..
went to orchard to walk around after lessons just now.. the whole street is decorated for the chingay next sat on the 19th.. the lights there looked so beautiful.. reminded me of the christmas lightings i went to see with her on the 20th of november.. then went on to carrefour at plaza singapura.. that place reminded me of the time we went to check out the prices of the food for the chalet and bbq last year.. haiz.. sad memories kept flooding my mind, especially today.. went to all the different places in orchard we went to in the past. saw so many places selling flowers and valentine's day gifts.. saw a cushion in the form of a heart shape.. its so cute and nice.. how i wish i can give it to her as a gift but that's not possible.. dont know if i ever will have the chance to give her a valentine's day gift or not.. n valentine's say is just here in 3 days time.. haiz.. its going to be a lonely valentine's day again..
Thursday, February 10, 2005
haiz... finally back in my room again after 3 days.. back in the room of memories, back into a place so cold, so lonely, so quiet and so scary. 3 days of chinese new year holidays are finally over. didnt really enjoy myself during these 3 days.. was not in the mood to celebrate and not very excited in the first place.. maybe i may regret not enjoying myself fully to the max next time since cny is afterall one of my most favourite festival and this year, i didnt really enjoy myself. reasons are mainly because i'm still sad n miss her a lot, and 2nd reason is because of my toothache and ulcers, so this cny is quite a not up to standard and enjoyable one..
back in here in my hall, i really miss her so much and started thinking of all the times in the past again.. just cant help it.. maybe i should quickly go to bed and sleep.. hopefully, i can dont feel so sad but think that is very difficult since i will dream of her also in my sleep.. ok then.. shall stop here tonight.. goodnight sweetie.. i love you.. sweetdreams.. =)
today's the 2nd day of chinese new year... no program for today except to go to my grandmother's house again. no mood to eat anything because of the terrible toothache.. this sucks sia.. and so very very bored now.. wanted to go out but nobody to go out with.. wanted to go out with her but she is staying at home to study. dont know if i can get to see her during this chinese new year or not also.. she must have looked so pretty in all the new clothes she bought but doubt i will get to see her in them.. cant stop thinking of her these past 2 days.. really miss her a lot and wish to go out with her but guess that's not very possible.. well then, shall stop here for now... byebye.. enjoy your holidays people.. =)
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
today is first day of chinese new year. supposed to be very very happy but i wasnt that happy. was a bit less moody than the other days but feeling a bit more cheerful only. cant really explain my feelings.. it would have been such a great chinese new year if i can wish her happy new year in a different "way". had a sense and feeling of loss and regret yesterday. wanted to say happy new year sweetheart yesterday but i couldnt. saw many many couples who are so sweet and loving to each other in marina square golden village and at the river hongbao. seeing them reminded me of the times we had in the past and which we wont have again.. know you will be reading this entry but i still want to say it in here, since i cant say it out to you in person or in sms. think i have freesom to write what i want and feel like writing ba. "Happy Chinese New Year, my Sweetheart, my dear."
had a very bad toothache also.. growing wisdom tooth... ahhhh.. so pain.. camt eat anything.. this sux... ok then... happy new year to all... Gong Xi Fa Cai... =)
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
hehe... just talked to her and she sounded more cheerful during the talk, although its a very short one. this talk is so so much nicer... hehe.. =)
Happy Chinese New Year..
saw her in sch just now. she didnt even wished me happy new year or shake hands with me. wannted to shake hands with her but didnt dare to. in the end, still managed to wish her happy new year and shook her hands. but she just used her fingers, instead of her entire hand. she didnt even want to shake hands with me now.. she said we are friends but the way she behaved isnt showing it. she seems to be avoiding me, not wanting to talk to me, reply my sms. even when i wished her happy new year, all she did is just smile.. dont know why she is treating me this way also.. are we still very good and close friends like she said she want to be???
Monday, February 07, 2005
just finished talking to her on the phone. the conversation lasted exactly 4min.. just 4min!!! cant imagine that things will end up this way that there is nothing to talk about between us. didnt we used to talk a lot and talk about anything under the sun before we even were together? but now there is nothing left to talk about. is she still angry with me? why and what is she angry about? why why why!!!??? somebody please tell me. what have i done wrong again? why am i always wrong in everything i do? cant i do 1 thing right in my life? why am i born into this world to be so stupid, to do everything wrong, to be joked on by other people so often? why am i such a failure in life? why cant all this end? why cant my life end? why? why make me live such a failure life? somebody spare me........................................
deliberately posted this blog after she went offline. dont want her to see this entry while atill talking to her.. seeing her msn nick is already so heart sinking for me. got the feeling that i probably wont have the chance to be with her anymore. she wants to be fully committed to her religion from now on and that will probably mean that's the end for me. although she also said in the past that she will be with me forever, but i think her msn nick is going to be true and what she said probably wont be true anymore. the "forever" this time is going to come true, unlike all the "forever" in the past. maybe what he said is true, although i refuse to believe even though things now are showing that it may be true afterall. he told me that she wanted to know what is it like to be in a relationship and when she knew what it feels like and has gotten tired of it, she wanted to get out of it and concentrate on her religion. that's why in the first place, she valued me more than anything and now she that she knew what is it like, she has changed her focus. afterall, she find her religion more important deep in her heart, not me. then was probably only a period of confusion of knowing what she really want or love. even up to now, facts may be already right before my eyes but i still refuse to believe him even though he may be right. maybe love has really clouded my vision and i can only see and believe the good part although what i see and believe may very well not be the truth and what others say is. maybe that has made me trust her and believe her all the time. like what she said in nov that she has not made her decision but in fact, she has already been deciding and thinking about it.. just in dec, she also wrote in the book that she has made her decision and that she was glad she didnt lose me or she would have lost a wonderful boyfriend but that doesnt seems to be true. perhaps she has not been true to both herself and me all this while. now that she has made her decision, i suppose she is finally true to herself, to what she really want and love. well, love makes a person blind and sometimes a fool. but i dont regret being blind and a fool. that is also what makes love weird and difficult to understand i suppose. 明知 the person you love may be untruthful to you but yet you still refuse to believe what she said may not be true and what others said may be true and yet still continue to be "fooled". maybe i am such a person but i seriously dont regret it, even if what he said is true.. i have already been fooled and cheated by so many people before just because i place too much trust in other people and believe everything they tell me. i've been gullible and such a fool for so long, so one more time wont make much of a difference either. it doesnt matter to me anymore. the scar is there to stay, and so are the memories, although they may be "illusions", created during a period of confusion. i dont blame her for this scar and i know i wont have much of a chance now that she has decided to commit to her religion. even when she is ready for a relationship, she probably will look for someone of a religion at that time. even though she kept saying she dont know, i know that it is very rare that she will want to be with me again, since afterall, i wont be able to understand her spiritually. what she wants is not someone who can just give her love but also someone who can connect with her spiritually and i am unable to do that. she is just unable to be with somebody who cant understand her totally. maybe the story she told me once about her dad is a hint for me that she will break up with me. can still remember what she said but i'm just too stupid to catch the hint then. dont worry.. i wont hate or blame christianity nor will i blame or hate anybody. i just hate and blame myself, me and only me.. it is my fault and i guess i am serving my punishment now, to be void of all feelings and joy except the recalling of memories. exactly 1 year ago on this day, 1 first got to "talk to her", telling her what to do for the founder's day parade. it felt like its just yesterday. tomorrow is also chinese new year eve and i dont even feel a single bit excited about it. festivals or no festivals, everyday is just the same to me, cold, lonely and gloomy, going through life just like going through motion, doing just what i am supposed to do everyday, nothing more, nothing less. life is but a process to me now, predictable non changing and meaningless.. well, i guess i have to get used to it and i think i am..
Happy Chinese New Year, sweetheart.. Hope you have a great and wonderful year..
Sunday, February 06, 2005
what a bad afternoon.. seldom have the chance to talk to her on sundays and this afternoon got to talk to her but i had to spoil it and make her angry. why am i so stupid? cant even catch or understand a simple joke. i must be the most stupid guy on earth. dont understand why i am so stupid. ah... stupid stupid stupid!!
was also doing sociology assignment with my group members today. went to far east to observe the people there. supposed to observe the actions and behaviour of the teenage couples there. scenes of the times i was there with her, doing all the little things the couples surfaced and appeared before my eyes again. used to go to far east together to shop for the clothes and scandals. then went to plaza singapura to continue the observation there. was at the foodcourt where we used to eat last time to do up the draft. that place is so filled with memories. still remembered the spinach noodles which we ate together. and the cinema where we watched our first movie. a pity the neoprint machine which i took my first neoprint with her is no longer there anymore. its gone, gone like my relationship with her.
still waiting for her sms or call to come in. guess she is watching tv or doing her work. wanted to call her house but i cant do so. her house number will be a number which i wont get to call anymore, unlike in the past.. haiz.. my friend is right. now that we are just friends, i shouldnt be expecting her to reply my sms or call everytime. things are not the same anymore.. i have to accept it. she's happy with what she is, what she has and what she is doing now.. no matter how badly it hurts me, i can only give her support now. she's not my girlfriend anymore.. no longer so, but just a friend.......................................
dont know what else to say bout what i am feeling now. what more can i say? everything is not the same anymore. from that day onwards, i know life is different and all will be changed. deep inside me i wont be able to forget the past and all the memories and they will surface everyday. that will still be making me tear and feel sad and moody everyday until i dont know when either, which probably will be a very very long time or even forever. will be 'living' on these memories from now on and evern though i am still unable to accept this fact, i have no choice. i just have to 'pretend' that i can and take each day as it comes. maybe our 'yuan fen' has really ended, maybe it has never been in the 1st place i dont know. but what i do know is that she has been my everything, my world and my joy. now that she's left me, i doubt there will be much joy left for me. nonetheless, i'll still try to 'lead a normal life', doing my work and the things i am supposed to do. what is different now is that i am now a person with no dreams, no joy and no pride. she was my pride and now i have lost it. a person with no pride has nothing to look forward to in life anymore. i'm now a robot, a machine, void of all feelings except sadness. never regretted loving her although i knew this day will probably arrive one day. love does make one blind. even when you know you will be hurt, you still want to continue plunging into this bottomless pit of forever no return. this, i guess, is the mystery of love, the power of love, making one do things which just cant be explained or understood by the simplest logic. i'm glad i experienced this once, although it didnt or maybe wasnt meant to last. at least i can say i loved somebody once before and still do and this will never change. at the end of my life, if i were to be asked if going through all these for a girl and loving her all the time through the years but yet never get to be together forever, never achieving anything worthwhile or meaningful in life but just living each day away is worthwhile, the answer will be a "YES", and a proud and confident "YES".
Saturday, February 05, 2005
finally got to see her in meeting today again.. been a long long time since she came for meetings. also got to see her at night just now. she looked so pretty in her new black top and the necklace.. wanted to give her a hug but cant do so anymore. can only look at her and admire her beauty but to keep the feelings to myself. had a talk with her just now and that will be the last time i asked her anything.. wont interogate her anymore. so sorry. very thankful for giving me chance to clear my "questions". also got to know that she started making the decision in november, exactly the same period when i felt that our love is diminishing. can feel it so strongly that it is fading and even wondered if she will be there with me. it was also in nov that it happened for the 3rd time. can feel it and knew something was not right but i didnt do anything about it. dont know if i will ever be with her again and it looks like i have lost her now and i dont know, probably in the future. saw so many couples in orchard today, holding hands and so sweet to each other, looking at all the valentine's day gifts. have no chance to ask her to be my valentine this year and probably not ever. life is unpredictable. haiz. dont want to think about tomorrow or the future either. no point thinking, having dreams and hopes. nobody knows what will happen in the future. having such a bad headache and neckache. feels like my spine is injuried like that, cant bend, cant turn my neck etc.. signs of a stroke? hope not.. i rather die than be paralysed. its a fate worse than death, no different from me now. k then.. goodnight. sweetdreams..
Friday, February 04, 2005
today is quite a good day i suppose.. managed to catch up with all the piled up work a bit.. then went back to tjc, where they were having their chinese new year celebration carnival. it was so very different from pprevious years.. this theme is much more interesting. what to do, all the good things take place after my batch leaves.. haiz... got to see her for a while just now also.. bought jellies from her stall which her og set up.. standard very the same as outside stalls..
got nothing to say today.. brain-dead.. didnt sleep much or well yesterday also, as usual, except that its worse.. ok then.. bye...
Thursday, February 03, 2005
is it fate or is it that heaven is being cruel to me again, playing me and trying to inflict hurt into me again? of all topics, the sociology lecture today must be on family, marriage and relationships. why must heaven do this to me? am i not miserable enough? why must the lecture be on family and marriage? talking to her on the phone just now, wanting so much to tell her that i miss her but i cant. when she hanged up the phone, wanted to say the words "take care sweetheart" but again, i cant. wondered if she is thinking of me or has she ever thought of me after we broke up. not in worried about me but just thinking of me, even if its only for just a second. think i sort of know the answer. haiz.. heard her sing on the phone just now. her singing is so nice, her voice so sweet and beautiful. after she get into the idol, more people will soon know her and her talents. probably at that time and very likely it will, she will find herself having more suitors again. at that time, my chances will probably be even lower. or maybe my chances are already zero and i dont have a chance anymore? teared when she sang just now for it reminded me of the times when she sang "cradle", lullabys and other songs to me. will i get to hear her sing songs to me again, just for me? n i really meant it when i said her singing was very good and nice. she said i lied to her last time. was really shocked and hurt when she said that. yes, i may have broken my promise before but i have never ever lied to her before. every single word i said to her are all true from the bottom of my heart. if she still think that i have lied to her before, then i have nothing to say either. i can vow that i have never ever lied to her before. i have broken my promise to her but never once have i lied to her. if any part of what i say is not true, may i die a horrible death..
oh 49th day to me.. oh 49th day to me.. oh 49th day 49th day.. 0h 49th day to me.. haha.. what the hell? am i mad or insane? am i losing my mind? i think i am.. i am going crazy. even if not now, i probably will soon i guess.. who cares a damn? nobody and nobody will.. this world is a bloody unfair, fucked-up world...
exactly 49 days ago, she broke up with me. 49 days since she left me, 49 days since my world collapsed and 49 days without her. had our last lunch and dinner as a couple together 49 days ago. that will be the last time i hold her hands, hug her and call her dear. what happened that day and the last things we did together are still so fresh in my head. so clear, like as if it happened yesterday. still cant accept it that we are no longer together. i just cant believe it but its already a fact. or am i still in some horrible nightmare? if it is, how i wish i can quickly wake up from it. life just isnt the same anymore. beautiful and hopeful days of the past are no longer in existence. days where we used to go out together, hold hands, calling her sweet names and telling her how much i love her or miss her are gone, gone 49 days ago. now, i cant even tell her how much i miss her. i can only do so in this blog, writing down how i miss her n love her. i dont get to talk to her much or sms her also already. know that she is busy but it really is so lonely without hearing from her, listening to her sweet voice or receiving an sms from her. used to receive her calls very often in the past but now, its so rare for her to call. even talking to her in the morning is also so difficult as she has her new friends to be with or schoolwork to do or discuss. everyday waking up to such a tingling feeling in my heart, thinking of her, missing her, wondering if she had a good rest and wanting to talk to her but she is not able to do so. all i can do is to sms her and then talk to her for less than 5min before she has to go. and when she hanged up the phone or stop replying, tears just flowed again. i know i'm weak and cant control my emotions and feelings but i really miss her and love her so much. and to be able to see her and to see her treating me just like a normal friend, and at the same time, unable to tell her my feelings and having to hide it inside my heart is just so painful. well who cares, i'll just endure this bloody pain till the day i cant take it anymore. no point talking about the future also. its all bullshit. dreams and hopes will always as they are, till they come true. one day they remain as dreams and hopes, they will eventually be broken and dashed.. so why bother to have dreams amd hopes? they never come true.. never...... its so much better to live in the days of the happy past than to dream of the better future where you end up heartbroken and live each day in misery. you choose the way you live, people may say. true, but if you are heartbroken, can you really live happily? if you can, you are not heartbroken and wont that be an irony and contradicting yourself? enough said. there's no use saying so much either. probably nothing can change, nothing can get worse anymore.. my world has collapsed. i've lost the girl i love the most, i've lost the person who's most important to me in my life. but else can be worse or more painfu; than this? nothing in this world can be compared to this pain.. NOTHING.......
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
haiz.. today is really such a lonely day. didnt get to talk to her much or sms her much also.. couldnt concentrate on anything at all. took 5 hours to just complete 5 qn of maths tutorial. was thinking of her and missing her all the while. ah...... life sux... what is there to look forward to? i dont and cant see anything worth looking forward to anymore.. not anymore... the future is dark.. so very dark.. total darkness.........
another bad day today. overslept and didnt get to sms her in the morning. and she didnt send me any sms also.. have not heard from her the entire day. really missed her so much so much and tomorrow will be the 49th day since we broke up. kept recalling about the past today. just being in school, in clementi along made me think of her. can still remember so very clearly how we went to hike out the routes for the combined hike in clementi last year on 12th march. she was laughing at the 'speech' then and i can still see so vividly how cute and sweet she looked when she was laughing at me at that time. that image will forever be imprinted in my mind. it was such a memorable time hiking with her then and on the 14th march, where we were in bukit timah. just outside the lecture theatre, i can already see the building of the clubhouse which we passed by in our hike. how we joked about and me going crazy that time and us going to newton to have our dinner. so many things flashed past in my mind today and all of them are images of the past. meeting her on sat morning at her house bus stop to go to school together for her extra lessons and for my meeting. sometimes she will make breakfast for me, sometimes we will just go to the bakery to buy some bread for breakfast. those days are gone and i wont get to eat the breakfast she made again. her breakfast is really very nice, very delicious. she is a very good cook. but i got no fu qi to eat the meals she cooked anymore, the cookies she baked and the sandwich she make. no chance to wait for her anymore at her house bus stop on sat morning. even waiting for her on sat morning is such a nice and pleasant thing but that is not possible anymore. just being at the aia bus stop brings back so much memories. memories of all the sat nights in the past where i will stop there after sending her home after going out during the day. all the times we went to the gym, going to bedok for durian and a bite after school, the times we went to study together at liang court all flashed past my mind today. cant help thinking of all the things she said in the past too, that she will not give me up, all the sweet things and promises. although they never become true, at least she did say them once and left fond memories for me forever. haiz.. just thought of so many things today. is it beacuse i missed her too much that these images appeared in my mind? or is it a bad sign? hope that her call or sms will come in soon. i got no mood to do anything now..
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
CENSOREDwhat a damn bloody "nice" day.. haha.. what can be worse? the whole world doesnt believe or trust me.. am i so damn not trustworthy, so cannot be trusted to her, to everybody? huh??!! somebody answer me!!!! what in the the bloody damn world can get worse than a bloody stupid asshole here? why did you even bother to try so hard for? you are no longer what you used to be in her heart anymore. you're just a nobody.. a NOBODY understand? the most you are is just a friend to her. you no longer have a special placing in her heart anymore. what you are trying to do aren't even appreciated so what the hell are you trying so hard for? cant you just fucking hell wake up your ideas? she's just treating you as a NORMAL friend. get it? normal friend. a friend who she wants to pay him for the chocolates he gave her. paying him for something which is supposed to be a gift. paying for anything he gets for her. you have come to a point where you cant even give her gifts anymore. any gifts which you give her, she will want to pay you back. any treat you give her, she wont want to accept. you have to say you wont accept the money and stuff before there is a chance that she wolnt pay you back. you dont even have the right, as a friend, to give her treats or gifts or just even to just meet up once a week anymore. she just sees no need to meet up even as a friend. and to meet her, you actually have to get the 'excuse' of wanting to pass her something then can meet her. if not, she wont want to meet even though both of you are in the same place. she dont even believe that your chest pains are real but are just caused by you mind, that its all psychological.. haha.. yah and she's right.. you dont understand her. how will you as a non christian ever be able to understand her? she will just think that you are just trying to stop her from going to church. come on.. accept it. you are no longer her first priorty, or were you even are in the first place? going to church and spending time with her members are her first priority now. why will she want to spend time with you, with a person who is going to hell, when she has already wanted to dedicate her time to god? why will she want you to accompany her to church on sun when she can be happier with her members? what's the use of you trying to ask her out on the supposed outing on sat and then accompanying her to church on sun, in the hope that you can try to accept her religion? there's no pt in trying. all the things you did, trying to change are all useless. she said she still love you but so? yah she's right.. so? she love you but the fact is still that you 2 cant be together. she chose to give you up eventually. you can only blame yourself for being unable to accept her religion and convert. it all your damn fucking fault from the start. what's the use of missing all the times you had with her in the past? n thinking of her all the time? is she thinking of you? is she thinking or missing of the past, the times you 2 had together once? she has even forgotten what she wished for during her bday last year. she is trying to forget the past cant you see? she is getting on fine and well without you. you cant 'survive' without her, without talking to her, but she can want to not talk to you when she is angry or has misunderstood you. to her, you are just trying to stop her from going to church. to her, you are a non christian and she is a christian and because of that, you will never be able to understand her or encourage her. like she said, "why would a non christian encourage a christian to go to church?" you are such a person to her. you are not important to her anymore. you are no more her sweetheart, her best love, the best boyfriend to her. you are the best prob because you are her first boyfriend so naturally her best then. when she is ready to get into relationships again and has found another boyfriend who is also a christian a few years down the road, you prob wont be her best boyfriend anymore. why will you be? you only gave her troubles, tears, problems, hurt and fear. she wants to move on without you. she can not remember the past then why cant you? you are so fucking stupid. maybe you shld just die or end up in a coma and not to wake up again. this way, you wont be hurt anymore and forever stay in your world of the past. at the same time, she dont have to live in fear for you anymore. she can carry on with her life, with her church, with her studies and her future with a christian guy who can really understand her and not give her all these problems you gave her. you know your chances are slim but you still refuse to give up and hope for the best and do things for her and try to change. she wont want you to do things for her in the first place. is she or will she be touched in the first place? its all your fault.. all these are caused by you, you bloody useless, good for nothing asshole. may you be doomed for ethernity.. hahahahahahah... forever..... you suck for bringing so much suffering to her and others.... BIG TIME.... SUCKER...
just woke up from a horrible nightmare. why are the nightmares getting from bad to worse? only took a 15min nap from 1030 to 1045 and within this 15min, i can still have such a bad nightmare. this is the worst nightmare i ever had in my entire life. was so afraid. was crying in the nightmare and i woke up, realised that i was also tearing in the real world. my pillow was soaked and wet from my tears. never have i ever been so afraid of my dreams before. this is the 1st time and i was so terrified. kept praying that this nightmare will not come true and nothing will happen. if something did happen, i wont want to live anymore either. touchwood but if anything did happen, which i sincerely prayed that it will not, i will still do all the taking care all my life no matter what, till the day i breathe my last. sincerely pray that nothing will happen and that this is just a dream, never to come true......