Tuesday, May 29, 2007
went to the food expo at singapore expo again. spent even more tonight. gosh. so many types of yummy food, so many offers and promotions. i just cant resist myself and bought whatever that catches my eye, of should i say, my mouth. spent close to $50 at the food fair yesterday and today. now i am truly and really broke. musnt spend anymore money till i get my pay. hang in there dom.. couple of days more to pay day. but its money well spent. nothing beats spending on good food. yum.. food rocks. 3 cheers to the food fair! hip hip hooray! haha.
watched the french romance comedy "Priceless" just now. a romance show was not supposed to be watched alone but i did. i'm in a romance with myself. haha. ok. not at all funny. back to seriousness. well, the show is entertaining. hello. its a comedy. of course its entertaining. other than the occasional comical part, the show is just average i will say. somehow, i dont really like the theme of it. it revolves around money being the main attraction in a romance/love. the gal, knowing that the guy is not rich as he is "supposed" to be, deliberately went to an expensive french restaurant and ordered expensive food like caviar when she dont like it but just because its expensive, even saying that she is forcing herself and one day she might like it. what a b****. that's not all, she booked a suite at a very luxurious hotel, took his visa card and bought branded shoes, clothes, dresses etc, even though knowing that those items will cost him his entire life savings. but the guy, willingly let her spend because he liked her. she told him he cant go on, but foolish him, he rebutted by saying, what's the problem, he's paying so there is no problem there. at 1 point in time, when the scene showed him down to his last coin, with the ATM showing an error, indicating there is no money left in his bank anymore, i felt so sorry for him and pitied him. for love, he is willing to give up all his savings on a woman whom will prob never accept him because he is poor. the plot goes on with him finding a rich woman whom made him her gigolo. the story ends with her realising that money is not everything in true love. money cant buy true love. of course, the 2 got together and it was a happy ending. liked the ending although i dont like the plot.
money is necessary but it is not everything. i dont deny that a person cant do without money. and i am saying this from my point now. why? because i am broke. haha. been spending a lot since the holidays start. despite my pay, somehow, my aim of increasing my savings seem to be progressing so slowly. spent too much on food. food, food and more food. my stomach is my real "bank". and just today, i went to the food expo at singapore expo. boy, its really a heaven to me. ate a lot and of course, spent a lot there today. but its all worth it. eating is a luxury. i love to eat.
after a fruitful harvest at the food expo, with my "fuel tank" full, i went to the airport again. cant remember how many times i have been to the airport in this month of may, but on average, i went there at least once every week. i loved the airport. i loved the planes. i loved to see them. see them parked, see them taxi, see them take off and land. wonderful and magnificent creations. its so relaxing just to be there at the viewing gallery, watching these huge machines in their beauty.
after leaving the airport, i headed to lido to watch "priceless" and there is my day, doing things that i loved to do, spending time by myself. today is indeed an enjoyable day. a day (not including the morning and early afternoon) spent just by myself, doing all my favourite things. that, indeed, is Priceless. something that no money can buy.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
time to have an update or else my blog readers have nothing new to see. lets see where i should start. hmm..
sent jignesh off at the airport yesterday. yeap, he's left again. been such a short 3 weeks this time that he is back this year. going to be another long year before he is back and i get to see him again. sigh. gonna miss him.
had a quarrel yesterday. with who, i will not mention it here. was a rather heated argument. it was so bad that i said things that i should not have said and was so angry that i wanted to just whack him. to heat things up, he was saying things of me that were not true and trying to agitate me to hit him. was really so angry that i was so determined to give him a good beating. even till this morning, the more i think bout it, the angrier i get. then in the afternoon, God told me and asked me to forgive, to apologise, and to forget. it was hard to do so but i got myself to do it in the end. sent an apology sms to him. no response from him but its ok. God is great. smile. =)
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." - Matthew 6.14
Thursday, May 24, 2007
how timely. heard the song that was sung in "Bridge to Terabithia" today. this is how it goes: "You’ve got to keep your mind wide open, all the possibilities. You’ve got to live with your eyes open, believe in what you see." can i believe in what i see? can i keep my mind open, to all possibilities? trouble had overcame me and fear and overcame me again. "those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind". this phrase kept me believing for a period of time. but to what extend can i apply this phrase now? i dont know. feeling very troubled now. when will my troubles end? who can be my listening ear? jignesh is leaving this sat night. going to be another year before he is back again. sigh.. worries worries and more worries. so much worries that hair on my head and chin is turning white. *big big sigh* is there anything i can believe in truly without any worries? maybe, maybe not. oh well..
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
You are my hiding place
You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say
I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You
i need a hiding place now. a place where i can feel happy once more, a place where i can be me again, a place where i can pour out all the emotions inside me. frustration, anger, sadness, happiness (if any) and despair. does such a hiding place really exist? God, show me this hiding place. let me go into Your hiding place. take away all that i am going through now. let me proclaim that i am strong in Your strength. i place all my trust and all that i am going through now in Your hands. don't leave me alone.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
was reminded of the song "25 minutes" by serene today. a very nice but sad song. the 1st verse struck me hard. it goes like this: "After some time I've finally made up my mind. She is the girl and I really want to make her mine. I'm searching everywhere to find her again. To tell her I love her. And I'm sorry 'bout the things I've done". maybe its because i can relate to it. will not elaborate much, but only have this thought, or advise if you wish to call it so. if you have something to say to somebody, do so before its too late. here is the entire song's lyrics. enjoy.
25 minutes
After some time I've finally made up my mind
She is the girl and I really want to make her mine
I'm searching everywhere to find her again
To tell her I love her
And I'm sorry 'bout the things I've done
I find her standing in front of the church
The only place in town where I didn't search
She looks so happy in her wedding dress
But she's crying while she's saying this
Chorus:
Boy I missed your kisses all the time but this is
Twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far boy I'm sorry you are
Twenty five minutes too late
Against the wind I'm going home again
Wishing be back to the time when we were more than
friends
But still I see her in front of the church
The only place in town where I didn't search
She looks so happy in her wedding dress
But she's cried while she's saying this
Chorus
Out in the streets
Places where hungry hearts have nothing to eat
Inside my head
Still I can hear the words she said
I can still hear what she said
Monday, May 21, 2007
pastor prince preached a message today, a message that i believe is what God wants to tell me, after what i have gone through this entire week. yeap. i am very very sure it is Him. Dont know how to say it but everytime i am feeling troubled, He never fails to reveal His word to me in church, through pastor's sermon. i would like a chance to put into practice what pastor preached and what God is telling me, but will i have a chance to? at this moment, it seems rather unlikely. i hope i am wrong in my judgement, that i am just thinking too much and being paranoid. *Praying*
Friday, May 18, 2007
did something which made a*r angry i think. sigh. how stupid can i get? was very angry with myself and feeling very moody. gorged myself with food over dinner with jig, shiqin and zhihao. at a moment, i was feeling sick and bloated from the food. punishment for the stupid and idiotic me i guess.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
is it a hopeful hope or just a naive dream and wish? getting more and more edgy as the day approaches. been praying more and more often during the day in the bus and wherever quiet place there is to calm myself down as the days pass. dont really have confidence to pass this off. depending on God for this to turn out well now. *praying, prayingm praying for calm"
Sunday, May 13, 2007
had a nice service today. was pastor prince's birthday and the church sang a birthday song for him and even had a cake for him. happy birthday pastor prince.
had a loss of $80 today. job was cancelled last min. =( had plenty of time to spare today as a result so went to shop around instead. went to suntec, walked through city link to raffles city then to orchard. met up with jig and shiqin in the evening at simei. chatted for a while before they went back to watch the F1 match. i headed for the airport instead after parting with them. was walking along a dark path along the canal to the bus stop opp expo. the atmosphere, the silence, the serenity and the feeling resembled that when i was in tekong. was a nice peaceful walk to the bus stop, just me alone with the clear night sky and the stars above me. kinda missing the days in tekong. sucky they may be, they bring back nice memories now. these are some of the type of memories that can make my face light up with a slight smile in times like this when i am feeling down.
over at the airport, serenity overcame me again. the busy yet peaceful atmosphere never failed to de-stress me whenever i am feeling down. yes. i am feeling very down. as the days countdown to "judgement day", the more afraid i get. the fear and anxiety is overwhelming. i need to calm my nerves down. i could have stayed at the airport the whole entire night to do so. but since i have moved home now, i could not do so. if i was staying in hall, this wouldnt be a prob at all since nobody will know that i am out the whole night. the best i can do now is to stay there as long as i could before catching the bus back. at this moment when i am typing this entry, i am still thinking, still afraid, still painting all the possibilities that can happen. w.l. is right, i can go crazy thinking like this. well, i am crazy in the 1st place to get myself into this situation. praying for a miracle. God, i need another miracle from You. i'm entrusting this whole thing into Your hands, let there be a miracle God, let there be a miracle.
felt even more demoralised today. dont know how i should go about saying it. you're still giving me the half-warm half-cold treatment. the tone of your words and the words themselves made me feel really sad and that there is no hope. however, i am still thinking of the scene of everything fit and work nicely and to get the material together. how wonderful that will be. sometimes i feel there is hope, sometimes feel that there is none. which will it be? sigh? wish the situation will be back like as it was before the past couple of weeks. knew something like this may happen. has it really happened? sigh. sad. very sad..
Saturday, May 12, 2007
sigh. i'm feeling sad now. was given the cold treatment. i dont know. sometimes things seem to be alright, sometimes it doesnt seem so. right now, it doesnt seem so. dont know what to expect or what to hope for now. what should i do? seeing the messages made me feel discouraged. during the day, i am hoping for the best, but yet at night, i begin to lose hope. this feeling really sucks. why is it like that? no. i must still think positively and hope for the best. yes i must. only time will tell the outcome.. oh God. pls help me to continue to stay hopeful.
Friday, May 11, 2007
so pissed with my wireless network at home. maybe its my laptop. just couldnt connect to the stupid thing. irritating. had to connect by using the network cable with it trailing across the room. was also highly demoralised today too. the more i talk, the more hope i lose. been trying to remain hopeful and be positive but the talks have proved otherwise. been trying very hard to follow pastor's message but that proves to be so difficult at this moment. little little things known as the days pass are making me feel more and more demoralised. dont deny that i am thinking of the best and quite often, been "dreaming" of the best scenario of this whole situation. been running to many places the past few days, doing my "research and homework". hopefully, i dont screw up. having no confidence. and what's worse, i just had a heated conversation. saw a verse at plaza sing just now. the verse is shown below. indeed, many things, many people are against me. pray that God will give me the strength against those who are against me.
"If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31
Thursday, May 10, 2007
finally managed to log onto my wireless network at home. been home since mon and has been trying to log on but have been unsuccessfully. yeap. finally moved home after 1 yr spent in hall. met up with jig today. he landed on sun morning at 730am. after 1 yr, finally got to meet up with him again. but this time, its going to be a short reunion. he'll be flying back in 3 weeks time. reunion time gets shorter and shorter year after year. dont even know if he will be back in spore after he gets his masters/phd. hopefully he willl be back in spore.
finally went to AIC at night. the view is totally different from going there in the day. didnt get what i wanted. was kind of a wasted trip. spent $17 in the process. was also very hungry. should have bought the chicken there as supper. was too disappointed that i didnt manage to get what i wanted from that trip and hence didnt thought of it. ended up eating bowl noodles now. yucks. sick of bowl/cup/instant noddles. oh well. i cant be really bothered now. just want something to fill my growling stomach. sadly, my disappointment cant be filled. guess only God can fill this disappointment now. alright. shall stop here. in the process of waiting now.
Monday, May 07, 2007
sigh. how shall i start this post? i'm feeling so emotionally, mentally and physically drained now. been going through a tough battle the past week. lots of thinking, lots of negative thoughts even before anything is done, lots of fear and now, a feeling of miss, if such a phrase do exist. was talking to w.l. yest morning, ie, sun morning, till 2am, since its already mon at this time now. she gave the suggestion that i go there and give a surprise. but ultimately, we kind of decided that it was not a good idea after all. at bout 230am, i went off to bed to catch a short 2.5hr slp before waking up at 5am to get ready to go for service. during that short period of 2.5hr of slp, i dreamt that i went there. cant remember the whole dream but few scenes were vivid. was sms-ing a*r and replies were received. its a very weird dream as i was in front of a*r but we were sending sms. just before i woke up, i saw a*r typing and 2 of the words were "last words" as its already time to board. that's the end of the dream and i woke up. didnt know that subconsciously, i have actually been thinking about going there. i dont deny that i have seriously thought of really going there. thought that after deciding that its a bad idea, i will not be thinking bout it but yet my subconscious mind is thinking bout it all the while. sigh. and this is not the only time. throughout this past week, a*r appeared in my dreams for at least 3 or 4 nights, excluding yest's morning dream. have been thinking too much bout a*r and worrying too much in the day this past week. i dont know why i am thinking this way when i have not even said it yet. and this question was answered this morning. God told me why. He never fails to tell me answers whenever i am having trouble and problems. as Pastor Prince preached His words this morning, my mind is indeed the cause of all these emotions that i am having this past week. i have fallen into the devil's trap, letting my mind be the mastermind, literally, behind all these. felt much relieved and better after the service today. God's words are ever so timely, coming at a time when they are most needed. but though i felt more relieved, i still am having the feeling of emptiness as a*r is away. i have let my emotions run out of control this week. should have kept it under control, just like how i had kept it under control for the past close to 1 yr. because i have let it run wild, i am suffering for this action now. its really a painful feeling to be missing somebody, esp when he/she is away. i need peace and tranquility in me now. shall heed Pastor's advice and rem some verses about peace, peace of heart and mind. i need them badly now. can only pray for the best now.
"A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones." - Proverbs 14:30
Sunday, May 06, 2007
i'm feeling extremely sad now. i dont know why i am feeling this way too. its like as if there is no hope or chance already but i dont even know what is the outcome yet. i feel so empty and weird now. a*r will be leaving tmr and suddenly i feel so lonely and so weird. also, a*r will be at a different place. that will prob mean that there will be much lesser chances that we will see each other. that was part of the reason why i am so sad. of course, there are other things that made me feel very troubled the past few days too. all the way till now, with the level building up each day. 1 of them is whether to say or not to say. the other is what to get. and most critical of all, what is the percentage? sigh. been thinking day in and day out since mon. the way i'm feeling now is like as if the percentage is going to zero. i dont want that to happen. no. not again Lord. please dont. ahhhhhhhh......................
Saturday, May 05, 2007
heard this nice song today. nice but sad lyrics. sigh. title is called 25 minutes. enjoy.
After some time I've finally made up my mind
she is the girl and I really want to make her mine
I'm searching everywhere to find her again
to tell her I love her and I'm sorry 'bout the things I've done
I find her standing in front of the church
the only place in town where I didn't search
She looks so happy in her wedding dress
but she's crying while she's saying this
Boy I've missed your kisses all the time
but this is twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far
boy I'm sorry you are twenty five minutes too late
Against the wind I'm going home again
wishing me back to the time when we were more than friends
But still I see her in front of the church
the only place in town where I didn't search
She looked so happy in her wedding dress
but she cryed while she was saying this
Boy I've missed your kisses all the time
but this is twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far
boy I'm sorry you are twenty five minutes too late
Out in the streets places where hungry hearts have nothing to eat
inside my head still I can hear the words she said
Boy I've missed your kisses all the time
but this is twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far
boy I'm sorry you are twenty five minutes too late
Boy I've missed your kisses all the time
but this is twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far
boy I'm sorry you are twenty five minutes too late
I can still hear her say.......
Friday, May 04, 2007
the fire within me is getting out of control. being thinking and thinking and thinking about it the past few days. i dont know what to do. i dont know how. i'm just feeling so very troubled by it. this is so very important to me. had been keeping this tiny flame under control for the past 1 year but now, it has grown out of control. i want to keep it under control again but day and night, it has been on my mind. i need to seek peace within my heart and mind. help me Lord. i entrust everything into Your hands. help me through this. i need Your help now..
just a random post, since i had not posted anything for a week or so, i think. well, holidays have been busy so far. packing n shifting stuff. not to mention tiring. this week had been an exciting week i will say. couple days ago i finally asked, after 1 year. met up with my cousin today for movie and dinner. watched a movie and was at great world city to recee some stuff yest with vincent. been a good week and a good start to a long awaited break. hopefully it will remain so. although, waiting.. waiting.. and more patient waiting.. excited.. anxious.. and a little scared.. not knowing what to do. no idea what is the best action to take.. and confused.. that is how i am feeling the past couple of days.. feeling is different recently. weird? not so i suppose. soon.. will not say much. and dont bother to try to figure out what i am trying to say. nothing should make any sense. oh well. better go.