Monday, January 24, 2005
ahhh... why am i like this? what's happening to me? i'm really going crazy already. why why why? on one hand i want to end all my agony but yet on the other hand, i dont want to leave her behind. i just cant bear to leave her. not that i afraid of dying and that what i said are all not real. i'm not afraid to die. there's nothing left for me anymore so, even if i die, its no big deal. but its just that i really cant bear to not be able to see her or talk to her anymore. although she is treating me this way, not wanting to talk to me, angry with me, i still love her a lot, as much as the past, if not more. when she didnt want to talk to me this morning and said all those things to me, i was so hurt and upset. at that moment, felt that there is really no reason left in this world for me to live when even she is refusing to talk to me and treating me so meanly. wanted to end my life and not to answer her calls and reply her sms anymore. then her reply came in at about 840am. didnt want to reply it as i really wanted to just end it once and for all. but after a while, i cant bear to not reply her sms and i did reply her, almost an hour later. at that moment, i cant bring myself to leave her. but by doing so, i know i am torturing myself longer, and i know that she will still continue to be angry with me and treat me this way. what i'm doing is seeking pain for myself. i'm really at a total loss now, not knowing what to do, not bearing to do what i want to do. i'm on the verge on breaking down soon. emotionally, i've already broken down and soon it will be mentally and physically. everybody say i am the only one who can bring myself out of this and no one else can help me. even she said so herself, asking me to wake up, be more sensible and rational and to get back again. i'm no longer what i used to be anymore. i'm now a person who has lost all his senses and thinking. i dont even know what i am doing or what i want to do. when i set my mind to do something and to end all these suffering, my emotions for her get into the way and stop me from doing so. why is heaven stopping me from dying? and why aren't i stronger than this to overcome this unwillingness to leave her and to end this agony? i cant find an answer. i really wish to know the answer. i dont know how much longer i can last also. maybe i'm supposed to let this misery end naturally, and not by myself. maybe at that time, when death occurs naturally, i can get past this stage. even if i cant, i wont be able to do anything also. all will be over at that time. how i really hate myself for being what i am, for being so emotional, for being so xin luan, for not being xin heng a bit to not care about her feelings and just leave her behind.. why cant i be like her, say dont want to talk really mean dont want to talk, decide on something, really mean insistent about it and not changing her mind. dont call, dont sms and dont bother about me. tried to end my life but in the end still didnt, didnt want to reply her sms but still did so in the end, didnt want to call her so that i wont feel the unwillingness to leave her behind but eventually, still cant control myself and called her the first thing i finished my lessons just now because i miss her so much and want to talk to her so badly. why am i so weak? why must heaven create me to be such an emotional and weak person. why make me to be a person who is so faithful and place so much importance on feelings and emotions? this is not a blessing nor is it a good value like what people say it is. its a CURSE. the more 'chi qing' or emotional a person is, the more trouble and pain he will experience. why must i be chosen to suffer this fate and to have such characters? why? i hate these characters. i hate these weaknesses.... I HATE MYSELF!!