Saturday, January 22, 2005
cried to myself again just now. passed by peninsula plaza, the place where we went to together alone for the first time on 22feb last year. that time was on official business, to photocopy the maps for the combined meeting hike. that sunday was so 'fun', with me keep teasing her. no doubt that i already had some feelings for her that time but i tried to suppress it then for i thought that she wont possibly like me. even teased her that time that she is crazy after she sent me an sms that is not in proper english, saying that she met with a pervert. really missed those days, when we were building up our friendship but although i was already having feelings for her already. miss the combined hike especially much, not to mention all the preparation before that. the printing of the maps, the wrapping of the maps to waterproof them, settinf the questions for the test and going to katong shopping centre to photocopy them, hiking out the hike route on 12may and on 14may, the days when she became my 'personal assistant' and 'energizer battery', our little joke. really going to miss those times a lot. was sms-ing her just now after she finished her service. she really is a very filial and caring daughter, wanting to spend more time with her parents and family, so unlike me, an unfilial son. can already see her piety last year during mother's day, when she forced me to say happy mother's day to my mum. at that time, i was still thinking to myself that my mum has gotten such a good, pretty and filial daughter-in-law but yet now, i lost her. her parents definitely did not lose a daughter but i had lost my beautiful girlfriend, the sweetest and moset wonderful girl and girlfriend in the world. just finished talking to her on the phone. got to know that a guy helped her to carry her bag n things. was like a bit jealous when she told me that. wanted to help her carry her bag but she dont allow and said that there's no reason for me to carry her bag. cant i just help a friend carry her bag? carry must be boyfriend then can help girlfriend carry meh? you allowed your friend to help you carry but dont allow me to. i dont know but there's this fear inside me that someone in her cg may have caught her attention. really so scared of that although i know i shld trust her. but maybe i shld be happy for her if it is true since i wont be able to take care of her anymore. at least there is someone to take care of her all the time, if not most of the time. she's always so careless, getting hurt here and there, always so worried for her. just hope that if there really is such a guy, he will be good to her and not hurt her like i did. though it hurts to say this or think of this that i cant be with her but it doesnt matter to me anyway also. nothing is important or matters to me anymore. i have nothing more to lose, since, i dont have the time to wait to see if i have a chance or not, and also after that i have lost her, the single most important girl in my life whom i love more than anybody else, including myself n my family.. in my heart, i have already regarded her as my immediate family already.. by the way, hope you liked the necklace, although you 'chose' the design yourself. its a gift for you so i hope you wont pay me back the money, like what you said yesterday. i wont accept it no matter what. goodnight, sleep tight and sweetdreams..