Saturday, January 22, 2005
got to spend 4 hours with her at long john silver's at singpost today, having lunch and teaching her maths. this 4 hours really is a very big bonus and surprise. got her sms at 3am last night, asking me if i'm free because she need me to teach her maths. of course i'll say i'm free, although i have to plan for meetings at 10am at the same place. but to meet her, i will forsake anything as i'm not sure how many more chances i have left to meet her. good thing i managed to change the planning to 3pm, after she went for her service. even if i cant postpone it, i will also not bother as she is still the number 1 priority in everything and in my life. she looked so pretty in her new blue top, heels and necklace which she bought yesterday. no matter what type of clothes she wear, she will look very nice and pretty as she already is very beautiful. clothes simply made her outshine more. got to talk to her just now after leaving singpost. told me what she wanted to achieve these few years. didnt want to be distracted and want to dedicate all her time to her god. she also said that she wont want to get into relationships at least for the next 3 years. i dont know if i have 3 years. was really sad and disappointed when she said that relationships get her distracted from her studies, her religion, her family and everything. did i really distract you so much that you left me so as to be able to focus on what you aimed? i didnt stop you from going back to church, i didnt stop you from spending time with your family and i didnt cause you to not concentrate on your studies, did i? if i really did, i'm very sorry.
being the insistent personality she has n the person she is, know that once she really made up her mind on something, she wont change it anymore. no matter what i do, she wont be touched come back to me now, maybe not even in the future, which i doubt i have, nor give me another chance. she said this to me just now: "i still love you, but so?". this sentence really made me to dont know feel glad or sad. glad bcause she still lovesme. sad because although she still love me, she still will not be together with me. all the things we used to do together, all the places we used to go together and all the memories i had with her will all just be memories, never to happen again. you asked me to stop thinking about all these. i tried but i just cant help it. i tried to concentrate but i lose it after a short while, suddenly thinking of you again, or when something happened and it refreshed my memory, thinking that when the same thing happened last year, we were still together and so loving together. and when i go out, so many places just reminded me of the times we spent together at those places. places like orchard, cineleisure, far east, heeren, suntec and even neighbourhood places like bedok where we used to eat durian and the mee soto together, pasir ris where we used to cycle, tampines where we used to have lunch and dinner at the foodcourt. my entire world is just filled with memories of the times i spent with her. although she said she still love me, the word 'so' really hurt me so much. and the fact that she said that she dont want to give me any false hopes and that she dont know if we can still be together again in the future hurt me even more. she love me and yet she dont know if we can be together and asked me not to wait. even so, i will still wait for her, although i think that i may not be able to wait for that full period of at least 3 years. if she had said there is a chance for us to be together again, at least i will feel so much better and happier, even if i were to leave tomorrow. but she just said what i think she really feel. i dont blame her for that. she just dont want to hurt me further. but what she dont know is that, even if she told me that i have a chance but then in the future, 3 years down the road, there is no chance, it doesnt matter because i dont think i will get to know if i will really have the chance to be with her again or not by then. know that i am being very selfish, by wanting her to be together with me again although i know i wont be able to take care of her for very long. but i just want to be able to hold her hands while walking in town, or to hug her when we are in the bus, or to hold her hands, look at her in her eyes and say " i love you sharon, forever and ever", or to simply just take a sniff of her hair and her scent while i still can. know very well myself that i cant be selfish, just thinking of myself and what i like, without sparing a thought for her and whether it will be hurting her or not but i just cant help it as i really love her a lot a lot. by doing so and thinking this way, i am really a big jerk and a scum. there's nothing very much for me to look forward to now except maybe on saturdays when she come for meetings when i can see her, and on public holidays or school holidays when i can go out with her, hopefully alone. not only that, i want to take neoprints with her again, just like what she said over msn yest, and i wan to take it alone with her. going to treasure all the neoprints we took together last time very very much. those are the very happy times for me, but the not so happy times for her. these are perhaps the days and things that will keep me going about my everyday life now. i'm no longer the dominic people used to know. that dominic is gone. i'm now jus a zombie, a person with nothing much to look forward to. what i'm doing now while i still can, is what i'm, supposed to do. my responsibility as a student by going for lectures and tutorials and doing my work, my responsibility as a hall resident, doing all the stuff i'm supposed to do for the hall, my responsibilty as a brother and son to the family, going back home to visit them whenever i can on weekends or holidays. i will do my best now that i still am able to, to get better results so as not to disappoint people around me, my family. at least so that the day when i leave, i know that i had tried my best while i was still alive and kicking. i dont want to let anybody down again, or to be a burden to people and friends around me. i have really very good friends who were there for me. i felt that i've let my family, especially my parents down. at home, i try to put on a smile, so as not to make them worried. they still thought that i was still happily together with her. i dont even have the courage to tell them anything more, when they asked me yesterday after knowing that both of us shared the birthday gift for my sister. i dont want them to be worried about me. i already let them down n disapponted them enough and i dont want them to know anything about me or to see the state i am in now. all i can do now is to do what i am supposed to do, to the best i can. hopefully, i can get to talk to you or sms you everyday. but know that you are very busy also so if you really cant talk, its ok as i got no choice either. but hope that you will not because you dont want to clock up my sms so ask me not to reply. because everytime you say that, i feel very sad although you are really busy sometimes and cant talk. really looking forward to the next time i can see her or go out with her alone again, to take neoprints cause i really wish to do take it again with her and to go out with her. only way to keep me going now is to look forward to the day i can go out with her or to see her. dont know how long this will last but while it does, i know i will definitely enjoy myself and be very happy because she is everything in my life, in the past, now and in the short future. i will always love her, forever, even if i dont get to know if i will ever have a chance or to be together with her again. my love for you will never die even after i die sharon. that's a promise.....