Monday, January 24, 2005
haha. never knew i can be so artistic and that cutting the wrist can be so fun. seeing the blood ooze out of the many many cuts, forming such a nice pattern. cool isnt it? it wasnt even painful anymore. the knife and saw of the swiss army knife can be such great art tools when u know how to use them.
finally got to know also what she really felt about me, the type of person i am to her in her heart. i am the worst human being and friend ever possible in the whole wide world, telling lies all the time, threatening to kill myself so that she can come back to me. although i didnt want to be just friends with her and that i want to be together with her again very very much, i have never ever. thought of using the threat to kill myself to get her back. cant believe she thought that way. was so heart-broken when she said that, along with her saying i do not love her, that this is not love but possesion and obsession. all that i did are all just lies and actings to her, selfish acts to her. afterall this while, she actually doubted my love for her, after all that i have done for her. and she still said she never doubted my love for her at all.. and that i have no patience? lol... yah. i have no patience indeed. i'm also the most impatient person in the world. so many titles to my name.. cool.. haha.. why must heaven play such a cruel prank on me? isnt this too big a joke?! all the while i still thought she really meant what she said, that she will never lie, even though she broke the promises she made. even still, i believed her that she truly meant what she promised. but now, i realise that i was wrong, wasnt i? you just said your true feelings just now, didnt you?
know you are very very extremely tired. guess i will never know what you said just now again. although you said you will tell me on sat, but on sat itself, you will say that you have forgotten what you have said. not the 1st time this happened so its ok. when you refused to repeat it and said you will tell me on sat, i know in my heart i will never know it again. you prob would even have forgotten it tomorrow. i dont want you to fast for me. you dont have to suffer for me. want you to have your proper meals. i've cause you enough pain, sorrow, tears, hurt and fatigue. thanks for letting me know the person i am.. as from now on, i will try not to shed any more tears. dont think i have any much tears left to shed. shld be shedding blood instead of tears, as the saying goes. only blood, and not tears, as much as possible, will be shed....
goodnight...