Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Happy 9th month anniversary. But u r no longer with me anymore. today will be spent by myself again, without a chance to see u.. u know, really wish that u can come n visit me here once more again. really miss u coming to visit me but guess u wont. things are different from the past already. Haiz..
Dreamnt of u again last night. in fact, have been dreaming of u every night for the past 1 month, sometimes nice, sometimes bad. dreamnt that we were together yest but cant remember the details. was so happy then, but only to wake up to find that its just a dream and not reality. reality is that u wont be here with me anymore. wake up every morning, to find myself tearing n crying from this pain n reality which i still cant get over n accept. n this morning, wanted to call u to talk to u, listen to ur sweet voice but then u dont want to talk. was so sad again but i cant do anything bout it either. not only this 'heartache', woke up this morning with a real n physical terrible chest pain n discomfort again. y cant all this be over? y aren't my prayers answered this time? they are always answered everytime but y is it that this time, when i really wanted this prayer to be answered, it wasn't? for this consecutive nights already, i made the same prayer but each morning, i find myself to be disappointed. y is heaven so cruel? make me suffer here everyday n refuse to end my misery n take me away? i know i was wrong n shld me punished for my mistake but haven't i suffered enoughh? when must heaven n god make me suffer till?maybe i shld make a prayer to other god, maybe your god. n if he is a real god, like what u say he is, maybe my prayer can be answered. yah, think i will give it a try tonight. hopefully it works. if it does, then i wont have to suffer all this misery n pain anymore but can be with u by your side forever. although that will mean i will have no chance anymore to be with u again in the future but i guess it doesnt matter, since u already asked me to take it as there is no chance anymore. somehow, i know deep inside me that there is a very high chance that my 1st bday wish will never come true, although the stubborness inside me tell me that there is a chance. if this time my what i wished for n prayed for can come true, i guess it will be the best option for me already. at least i wont have to suffer anymore n can be with u by ur side all the time, looking out for u, although not physically. dont know if u will be sad or not but if u do, dont cos u shld be happy for me that i can get what i want n that my wishes are fulfilled n prayers answered. this will really be a very different anniversary.. take care.. may u have a nice day today..