Sunday, January 23, 2005
"How can u jus leave me behind? U r so cruel..." this this what she asked on fri night. think i really want to leave her behind? i dont want to either. its she who left me, causing my world to crumble, and to realise and that what i felt all these years is true. dont know if there is any meaning to her question but i doubt so since she already said so on sat afternoon. she asked me today why dont i go to the doctor? haha.. why dont i go to the doctor? what can i say? i'm sick of everything, sick of life, pissed and unhappy with my fate, my destiny. dont understand why is heaven so cruel to me, why is life so unfair to me. since young, life has always been unfair to me. what ever i do, no matter how much effort i put in into doing something i want, i do not get the results and reap what i sow. people always say hard work pays but that never seems to apply to me. no matter how hard i work, how much i study for my o and a level and prelims, i do not get the results i want. why is heaven so unfair to me? always thought that nothing good will ever happen in my life until i met her and was together with her. at that time, i felt that that heaven is good to me after all, for giving me such a beautiful, sweet, loving and caring girlfriend. put in my everything for her, taking care of her, making sure she is ok and not hurt. really worked very hard in develpoing and maintaining this relationship because i love her very much and want to be with her forever and fulfill all the dreams we had. and in the end, did not get what i wished for and worked so hard for. she still left me in the end. why dont she give me another chance or give us another chance? cant we really be together? just because we have different religion? there are so many couples who married a partner of another race or another religion also. cant i attend service with her and get to understand her religion with her, and be with her? why must she insist that we cant be together just because we are of different religion? thought that we will really be together, that she really meant what she promised. why did she break them? as usual, i did not get what i work so hard for again. and then now, although i tried to eat healthily, lead healthy lifestyle, i still got all these pains here and there. life is so very unfair to me. what did i do wrong that i must be made to suffer this way? since heaven wants me to suffer this way, i shall play along. i have nothing more to lose anymore. i shall take this gamble with my life as the stake and see what will happen, whether heaven is really so cruel, to make me suffer and never to get what i want. if i am meant to suffer this way, so be it. this is the reason why i refuse to go to the doctor. now do you understand? i want to challenge heaven. i want to challenge my fate, my destiny... wo bu fu... all i want is to be with the girl i love. why cant i even get this simple wish? and why must i be made to suffer all this pain, all this agony and misery? why must fate seperate us? am i really destined to spend my life alone? i still cant accept the fact that she left me. i hate my fate.. i refuse to accept this.. this is not fair... i refuse to give in.. i will not go to see the doctor. i want to see what is installed for me, even if it means i fail. that doesnt matter anyway also since i have lost the only girl i loved most in my 22 years of life.. you may think that i am crazy, playing with my life and risking it. life is cruel and unfair anyway. wo shou gou le.. and since you say that you dont know and ask me to take it as no chance anymore, so i might as well take this gamble, play along and see what is the outcome. but what i do hope is that somehow, heaven can be kind and good to me this time and grant me my wish. i really love her a lot and want to spend my life with her. but if that is my destiny that i will never get what i wish for and that i lose this gamble, i have no choice but to accept it then. i have nothing to say then but to ren ming...