Sunday, January 23, 2005
she is still angry with me for not seeing a doctor. dont blame her for being angry with me. i never did blame her. can only blame myself, my fate, my life and heaven for being so unfair and cruel to me. never did i did anything to cheat on her or dui bu qi ta but yet it must make me suffer this way, by seperating us after all that i've done. and now, i even have to suffer this failing health? even if it is unfair to me, at least i'm already very happy to know that she is still concerned of me, worried about my health. even if it is just worried of me as a normal friend, i am also happy already. she prob will be worried bout all her friends ba and now, i'm one of them. by right there's nothing to be exceptionally very happy about since she will be to all her friends but somehow, i still feel glad in my heart. i'm sorry that i let her down, making her angry by refusing to do something about my health. hope that she can forgive me for taking this gamble and using my life as a stake. i've already lost so many many countless times in my life so i want to see if i will still lose this time, or will there will be a miracle this time that i will win and get my wishes and dreams fulfilled. when a person has nothing, he has nothing to lose. that is what i am now. i've got nothing to lose anymore.
wonder if it is heaven's will again that her keypad must spoil at this period of time, when i want to talk to her the most, when i need her the most. now that her keypad is down, i cant get to sms her. i wont be able to receive any replies from her when i sms her. its exactly just like last year when she went for her holiday trip. dont know when i will be able to sms her and receive her replies again. hope her phone will be ok soon, if not i dont think i can take it, living each now, without her, without getting to chat with her. if that happens, its worse off living and i rather die than live in this way. if i can say it out, i can definitely do it.. that's for sure. hope that she wont do anything to hurt herslf, like she said she would and was on fri night. its not worth it, sweetheart.. goodnight, sleep tight and have a good rest tonight. going to be a start to a new week for you.. sweetdreams... =)