Sunday, January 23, 2005
she just told me over msn just now that she hope i can share her joy and tears down the road. that sentence made me tear although i did not tell her that. how i wish i can share her joy and tears with her too. really wish i can do so not as a normal friend but as her boyfriend, like what i used to be 1 month plus ago. dont know if i got the chance or time to do so and wait or not. its not that i do not want to wait but its a 3 year wait at least. if i can, of course i will but if i cant, then its just that i'm fated not able to be with her. if i can, i also dont know how am i going to pass these 3 years like that. everyday is just so difficult for me to get pass. and soon, she will be getting very busy with her schoolwork and church and time for me to sms her, talk to her on the phone or over msn will be even lesser. at that time, i wonder how am i going to survive days like this. i dont deny that i am overly dependent on her and that i have made her my everything, my world revolving around her when we were together. and because of that, i feel the worse pain and hurt of all. everybody say that its my fault that i made my world revolve around her, making her so important in my life that she is the top priority in everything and so when she left me, i was hurt very very badly but i do not regret doing so. i never did. getting to know her and love her and be with her for close to 8 months is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my life. although everybody ask me to look for another girl, saying that she did not deserve my love and care as she hurt me, that i did not let her down but its her who let me down, i felt that it is me who has let her down. i was the one who made her feel suffocated, pressurised, and all the troubles she had. it was i who had hurt her. now i guess its payback time for all the hurt, pain, pressure and trouble that i had caused her for the close 8 months we were together. think i gave her more tears than joy when we were together and i'm very sorry for that. even if it is to be that i cant survive past this period of time when she is no longer by my side and that this will cost me my life, i still will not regret it. only thing that i will regret is that i did not manage to keep her by my side and fulfill the dreams we had together. that is my biggest regret in life, not being able to even secure the love of my life, letting her remain by my side forever and fulfill the dreams we had. i feel so useless, not even able to do this properly. seriously dont know how to get past each coming day now. really miss so many things of her. her hug, her smile and laughter, looking at her beautiful eyes and everything about her. wanted to do so many things with her again, things like watching movies together like how we used to do so, holding her close to me and protecting her etc, but its just not possible. this missing of her, this wish and desire and the thinking of the times we had together once is sucking the very life she gave me when we were together out of me. maybe its time that it return to its rightful owner. it had already stayed with me for such a long period of time. and if i do make it 3 years later like she said, maybe more maybe less, hopefully she can give me this life again. by then i dont know what i will be but i really do hope and wish that this can come true and that it wont take too long a time. i dont have any much left anyway. i will hold on and for as long as i can until the day i cant do so anymore. when that time and day is here, i will be able to be with her forever and ever already.....