Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Sharon,
i know you find me the most selfish, most unloving person in the world. you may think that this is not love, that i dont love you, that what i said are all lies. i cant stop or control how you feel towards me. its your free will to think whatever you like. what i can say is that my love for you has been real and true ever since the day i told you i love you on 18 april last year. god can be witness to my love for you. i have never cheated on you, be unfaithful to you and what i said to you are all true and from the bottom of my heart. i have never lied to you about me loving you. it doesnt matter if you think otherwise but my conscience is clear and it will never be brought down. what i am doing is not trying to gain sympathy from you so that you will come back to me, if thats what you think. i know no matter what i do, how much i do, you wont be touched and will not come back to me and you wont want me to do anything for you either. the reason why i am doing this is because i really cant take it anymore. i tried to move on, to get back again but i just fail and fail and fail again. every single day has been so hard for me to get by. now and then, things will remind me of the past, remind me of you. tried not to think of them but they just appear so naturally, as if they appeared on purpose according to some plans. the very fact of knowing that you will not come back to me now and possibly not in the future also just rub more and more salt on my open wound. i want to wait for you but i dont know if i can really do so, to wait 3 years when 1 day is already so torturing for me, breaking down in tears every now and then. and when i tried to talk to you, you just treat me so meaningly, hurting me even so much more. when i didnt want to tell you the reason for not seeing the doc, you keeping asking me to tell you and i did in the end. everytime you ask me to tell you something, i did tell you. if i didnt, you will sort of get angry. but when i asked you to repeat what you said, you just refused. and by the time you want to say it, you will say you have forgotten it. stopped cutting my wrist yest when you told me to stop and when i asked you if i can just meet you for a while only, you just refused. is it really something that is highly forbidden, that you cant meet up for a short while, for a chat along the way, that you must say there is no reason to meet, so meanly and coldly? though you agreed to it in the end, i can sense that you are very unhappy and unwilling. you dont allow me to kill myself, to end my misery and you dont allow me to meet you. even if it is to see you just for a minute, i feel so much better. why are you so mean to me? i dont understand n i dont blame you for that. i only blame myself, that i have a hard life, that wo ming ku.. what i did yest is to want to end this, not to 'force' you to come back to me. i really cant take it, living this type if life everyday. my world has really crumbled. its not that i dont want to move on. i have really tried. i really tried to get pass this so that i can show you that i'm not a failure like you think i am and so that you will come back to me again next time, if i can make it. but in the end, i still failed and still remained as a failure and good for nothing, selfish, possesive and obsessive person in your eyes. i may be possesive in the past but not now. last time i just want to make sure you are ok and not hurt and want to take care of you all the time but i overdid it. now i'm not trying to possess you again, to make you come back to me again cause i know you wont. its really not what you think it is but whether you believe it or not is up to you. if you dont believe it then nevermind. it doesnt matter what you or other people view me as. i've really failed so terribly in life to actually degrade to such a level, to be such a person in your eyes and i got only myself to blame for it. guess you prob are still angry with me so i dont think i will write any much more. already written a lot. and since i have already promised you not to cut my wrist again, i will not do it, as much as possible. want to end off by saying that i dont blame you and am not angry with you for thinking that what i said are all lies, that i dont love you. i'm just disappointed and upset and at the same time, angry with myself that i actually made you feel this way when the truth is the opposite of what you thought. dont think i will ever be able to express what i truly felt in my heart in my entire life. think i have said what i wanted to say so i will end off here.. take care..
dominic