Sunday, January 23, 2005
today is 23jan, sunday, another day which i wake up crying. just cant control myself. the feeling is too much for me to bear.. how time really flies. expressed my feelings toward her exatly 41 weeks ago, on a sunday afternoon. from that sunday on, my life was filled with hope, happiness and blissfulness. everyday and everything is so perfect, so wonderful with her around. still remember how we used to go to the gym or to swim on sundays. but life is always so unexpected. who could have predicted what will happen in the future? thought that we will always be together forever but i was wrong. 11 more weeks and it would have been our 1st year anniversary. was looking forward to that day so much and i even had a plan to celebrate this special day with her. but now, the plan will never be carried out. there wont be anymore 1st year anniversary or any other anniversaries anymore. all the significant and special dates will just remain as a part of me, occupying a space in my brain, heart and memory, never to happen again. sundays and everyday is just so very different without her anymore. to speak the truth, i still could not believe and accept the fact that she has left me. looking at all her photos, recalling all the times we had together in the past just bring me the tears every single day. i miss her so much so much. my heart cried out in pain every single moment, every single day this past 1 month plus. everyday has been a torture for me, having me to wake up in the morning to go through all the pain of knowing that today will be another day where i gave lost her, another day of missing her so much and yet i cant do anything, another day of misery where i cant seem to concentrate on any other things but think of her and miss her uncontrollably, another day where i know she will not come back to me no matter how i try. i know i cant control my emotions and have let it control me. maybe this is what leads to my downfall. really wish that i wont wake up anymore so that i dont have to go through this pain of knowing every single day that no matter what, she will not come back to me, the pain of missing her. this feeling is very very unbearable. wanted to end everything but why is it that she must stop me and even threaten to hurt herself? why is it that i have to go through all this misery? cant i just end it earlier, since its very prob going to anyway. know that she threatened to hurt herself is only to stop me from doing so. being a rational girl, she will definitely not to do so. you've got a bright future ahaead of you so please dont do anything to hurt yourself, or to get back at me. its not worth it. you still have to show your parents that they did not lose a daughter but instead gained a filial daughter right? furthermore, you still got to achieve what you aim to achieve. that's the reason why you left me so you must achieve those aims u set for yourself. as for me, i have nothing to look forward to, nothing to aim for. what i aimed for will never be achieved anyway. maybe it will, at least 3 years later like you have said, but i dont think i will have that time either. knowing that she still love me is good enough for me. at least, all the dreams we talked about will always be remembered in my heart, never forgotten, even though i will not have the chance to fulfill those dreams. this thought is the worst pain no doubt but nothing will change this fact. she is determined this time and this is really the end of everything.. just say that i'm not fated to be with her forever ba.. maybe right from the start it never is. fate is such an amazing thing. it can bring you together and can bring you apart. whatever it is, i can only blame it on my ill-fated life, destined to be alone and miserable till the day i leave this world.
a very true quote which i experience myself: "LIFE IS NEVER FAIR". it has never ever been. sometimes, you just dont reap the rewards or fruits for whatever hardwork you've sowed. sometimes, the more you put in, the more you lose something or dont get the things you want. by having a healthy lifestyle, eating healthily, exercising regularly doesnt mean you will be healthy. you still will get very very sick, your body still falls apart with pains everywhere. you put in your whole heart and everything into a relationship but you end up hurt. on the contary, its those people who fool around, not faithful to their partner, who still are maintaining their relationships well. how more unfair can it get? when bad things happen, all of them just seem to happen onto a single person. what did i do wrong to deserve all these? isnt life just unfair?whether you people believe it or not is up to you. i leave all of you out there to experience this yourself, whether life is indeed unfair.. take care..