Thursday, January 20, 2005
when my lecture ended just now, a sense of happiness and excitment flowed through me as i walked out of the lecture theatre. had a feeling that everything is so nice and beautiful because i'm going to meet u later and tomorrow. its the exact same feeling that i had every friday last semester because i will be going out with you and seeing you the next day. but the feeling soon died off as the realisation that things are no longer the same like last year anymore hit me. but i was still looking so forward n was so happy to have dinner with you again and to go out wiith you again tomorrow. however, turned out that i realise that you prob maybe or do detest me afterall. offered you a piece of tissue paper but you rather use your own than to use mine. i know that my things cant be compared to yours. how can i ever be compared to you. its natural that you refuse to use my things. its ok and i dont blame you. i'm just not worthy of you. i'm all but just a toad but you are the swan. what my english tutor said last sem as a joke was right and turn out to be not a joke afterall. i am a toad afterall. maybe the world should have 1 less of such ugly and disgusting creature like me around. so its also perfectly right for you to say that you will look at anything except to look at me. for what reason should you look at a person like me? didnt want to tell you i had a fever just now because i know you will for sure ask me to go see the doc but in the end, you still said that. although all these things happened, it was still a very nice dinner. to a perhaps dying person, as long as he is with the person he love, anything is also very nice, no matter how simple it may be. when u left just now, i was walking around whitesands, thinking of the times we were there and at pasir ris park cycling. except for a few more places, already finished 'visiting' all the places we went to before. will never forget these places and the times we had. especially at eunos and on that bus 21 on the 18th. in your first entry, you asked if we can make 18th april 2004 our day. i wanted to make it our day but u didnt want to. was thinking if that's the case, shall i make that my day. but that's like so far away. dont think i can wait that long either. each day hass been passing so slowly and so torturiously. when i was with you just now, time passes by so quickly but when you are gone, it just crawl by. i just cant take such days anymore. mentally and physically i really cant take it le. really wish to end all this misery but why is it that it cant be ended? after tomorrow, i prob wont get to see you after a very long time le. last week and this week at least still can see you once but after tomorrow, dont think its possible le. dont think you will ever come and visit me again also since its so far for you and that you are so busy. n think you prob also will say its not appropriate for you to come into my room. now just want to spend a nice day with you tomorrow can le. and what a coincidence it is. tomorrow is also the 21st, just like last month during the bbq when i thought it will be the last time i will see you. will tomorrow, the 21st be the last time i see you again or will my day be the 18th april? shall let fate decide that then. wondering now what you said over msn yest: ""and the fact tat u doubted me saying "dont think u will grieve for me now.. dont think u will feel guilty".. i'm startin to understand the place i stand in ur heart.."" u may think that i'm doubting you but i'm not. now i just cant n dont know how to figure out anything, differentiate anything le. i'm very confused and already dont have a mind of my own already.. i cant think straight n logically anymore. wanted to ask you yest but no chance to. wo hen xiang zhi dao da an.. hope you can let me know the ans but if u dont want to say also nvm.. guess i will be able to find out the ans by myself also when the time comes, best if asap..
nitez.. sweetdreams.. see you tomorrow..