Saturday, January 29, 2005
why am i still up at this late hour? studying? haha.. on the surface yes, but actually, the truth is not so. do you consider this as studying if you took 20 plus minutes to read a page of the textbook? i dont think so.. that's what i am doing now. reading a few words before my thoughts went wild, thinking of other things again. not able to concentrate on studying and yet also refuse to sleep yet as sleeping so early only cause me to have more nightmares. had enough of them. had more nightmares this past 43 days alone than my entire 22 years of life added together. not only unable to concentrate on studying but feeling so very tired also. not sleepy but tired. hands are weak, trembling and sort of numb. could it be because of my studying posture? hmm... cannot be.. nothing seems to be wrong with my posture.. maybe the resaon is partly because i'm cold, or partly probably because of my fast heartbeat. for some reason, my heartbeat has been so irregular i thought. beating so super fast at times, sometimes so faint. could this be a heart fibrillation? hmm... good question. i dont know either.. haha.. waiting for time to tick slowly by until the moment i cant keep my eyelids up. then it will be the start of another boring and lonely day. actually it has already started but day break are usually associated with the start of a new day. 3.5 more hours and it will be daybreak. can still remember so vividly how i used to wake up at 515 in the morning on sat, to wash up and take the first bus down to her place to go to school for her extra lessons on sat morning together. not only sat but also on some tuesday, wednesday and friday, where i wake up early to meet her and walk her to school together, having a nice little chat along the way. those days are gone. should have walked her to school every single day that i can make it when i still could at that time. now i have no chance to do so even if i want to. i hate weekdays, sometimes even weekends so much now. everyday is now so boring and lonely for me. at least there is still one slightly a bit comforting thing and it is that tomorrow, or should i say now, is sat. i used to love sat so much. although not so much now as compared to the past, i still quite like it as i may be able to see her on only sat. at least i dont hate it as much as the other days, although i do hate it at times, just like tomorrow when the day is filled with a disgusting thing, which is me have to go for that idiotic maths make-up lecture. it sucks isnt it? lecture on a sat afternoon, FROM 330pm to 530pm.. how worse can the day get right, you may be asking. of course the day can get worse, why not? when a person is at his lowest point in life, anything and everything can go wrong for him. take me for example. forgot to bring my wallet out today, not understanding the lectures, burst the pimple on my nose, resulting in a bad bleeding and worse still, got to know 4.5 hours ago that she wont be going for meeting tomorrow. cant get any worse? haha.. you're wrong.. she cant make it not only for tomorrow, but also for the next 3 weeks.. that means that i wont be able to see her for almost 1 month plus.. sat is the only day when i can get to see her but now, i cant see her for 1 month plus.. dont know how am i going to get past this 1 month of not seeing her. last time i saw her was on tues and that seems so long ago and i can barely take it and now 1 month.. of course things are different and no longer the same anymore and people and especially her will tell me to move on etc etc etc.. heard that so many times and if i could, i wont be what i am now. common sense right? i'm not at the state whereby i dont have any logical reasoning or thinking yet. i'm still sane, but not much though, but since i can think of it, you people out there definitely can also. chicken feet for all of you.. "chuck chuck".. haha..