Monday, January 24, 2005
woke up early to want to sms her and to just talk to her on the phone. but her replies were kust short replies of a single or a few words. then when i called her, shr rejected my call, saying that obviously she is still angry. so afterall, this is what i am going to get in the end, not able to sms or talk to you. isn't this just so nice? being teated in such a way? haha.. how much nice can life get? living such a life, zuo ren zuo dao zhe yang shi bai, might as well dont live anymore right? what's the point of living when one dont even have the dignity or the very basics self respect of the individual? i have neither now. i'm now making myself stoop so low, making myself so thick skin, so not ashamed of myself, letting her scold me and treat me this way like dirt and with no dignity of a human being. its alright anyway, since i'm already dead long time ago. i'm just a walking corpse now, a zombie. life is so pointless this way. not only did i lose the person i love, she dont even want to talk to me anymore, because she is angry. what reason do i have to continue living? i've already wanted to end all this agony last month but she is the one who stopped me, only to treat me this way. maybe i shld really just be insistent with my decision. like what she said, she'll never forgive me anyway. since that's the case, why even bother to live on when life has lost all its value and meaning to me. think i shld really not wake up in the morning anymore. in this way, she wont have to be angry with me anymore as i wont be there to make her angry again early in the morning and i dont have to have the humiliation of being treated with no dignity, although i already dont have one. maybe i shld try hyperventilation.. it sounds quite interesting.. hopefully it works. will try till it works, which i'm think it will eventually. there are cases of it working before.. haha.. goodnight people.. sweetdreams to one and all..