Friday, February 25, 2005
haiz.. heard the news that my ex S4 officer passed away due to brain tumour. he's still so young.. only 30 and he dies just like that.. so unexpectedly. life is really so short and unpredictable? nobody knows when he will die.. when will my turn come? am i having the same problem also? with all these headaches? haiz.. dont care also.. just enjoy life and do all the things you like to do while you still can.. why think so much about the future?
Thursday, February 24, 2005
haha.. didnt know what to say either.. now i'm just a person who hurt you with my words.. maybe that's what i have always been doing, hurting and hurting and hurting you even more. probably that's one of the reason why you left me i guess.. think its really time i keep certain things to myself, just like you instead of sharing my every secrets with you.. not that i dont want to but it will only hurt you everytime i tell you everything.. the phrase 'no secrets between us' doesnt apply anymore i guess.. its something of the past and maybe even in the past, it didnt happen totally.. think you also had some secrets or things which you didnt tell me either.. so i dont suppose you will tell me everything now when you didnt even when we were together.. guess today is a very good example.. dont blame you.. i understand.. you want your freedom.. i've no rights to know everything and you dont have to tell me everything.. so i will do the same also, so that you wont be hurt or worry about me anymore.. my life doesnt belong to you nor anybody anymore, unlike in the past.. anything that happen to me now is just my own problem, me and myself only.. you take care of yourself.. looking forward to having dinner with you tomorrow.. hope i can get to watch movie with you on saturday.. goodnight my dear.. know this entry will prob hurt you again but its going to be the last timw i'm hurting you with my words, like you said this morning.. so sorry once again.. sweetdreams and sleep tight.. you must be tired after your conference.. hope you have a good rest tonight.. cya tomorrow.. will be thinking of you always, no matter where i am.. love you my dear.. in the past, now, in the future and forever will...
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
haiz.. felling so very stressed from all the tests coming up now.. and then so much work to do somemore and no time left. ahhhh.... in the past i still used to have her studying together with me, encouraging me with words and little hugs and kisses.. but now i'm left all alone to fight everything by myself..
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
feb 22.. founder's day and thinking day.. 1 year ago, on this day, it was a sunday.. i met you at paya lebar mrt station at 3pm to pass you the photocopied maps for the combined hike and you were late.. haha.. then you being 'fussy', wanted to enlarge the maps.. cant find any such service at tanjong katong complex so we went to peninsula plaza instead.. do you still remember all this? then over there, we enlarged the maps by cutting and pasting the different pieces together.. so fun that time, disturbing and teasing you most of the time then.. when done, you took the train home and i forgot to pass you your cd badge which turned out to be spoilt.. some time later, you sms me saying about the pervert and i even called you crazy because your english is so broken.. when i knew what actually happened, i was so sorry.. the next day, met you at eunos mrt station at 8pm to pass you the badge and waterproofed maps and sent you home.. that was the first time i sent you home, 23 feb 2004. less than 8 months later, 16 dec 2004, i sent you home for the last time. not exactly to your home as i didnt even get to walk you to your block.. from feb 2004 to dec 2004, it was such a nice and wonderful 9 months and now, its 1 year already. 1 year since i knew you and be friends with you.. really a very wonderful and great 2004.. and it all started with the founder's day rehersal.. and i'm so glad and thankful for it... =) though you find it a stupid day, but hope you dont mind me wishing you..
Sunday, February 20, 2005
haiz.. sad sad feelings today again.. she didnt sms me when she wake up and also didnt call me when she reach home.. and now, i wont get to contact her anymore sa she doing her work now.. on the sunday 44 weeks ago, i was such a happy person with so much hopes and dreams.. the future looks so beautiful at that time when she called me 'dear'.. but now, i'm a sad and lonely person with no dreams, no smiles and no life..
just finished talking to her on the phone.. after this, dont think will be able to contact her for quite some time already till she reach home or something.. miss her so much so much.. dont know how to describe what i am feeling now also.. its like i'm going to explode from all the built up pressure already..
got to see her again today.. had a very nice time in junction 8 with her, eating the egg crepes and yakitori.. had such an immense feeling in my heart today when i was on the train with her.. there she was, standing right in front of me, like how she would use to in the past. wanted so much to hold her but i cant.. fighting a war with myself and my feelings.. chorus of the lyrics of the song "Dying inside to hold you" describes how i felt.. this is how it goes:
Friday, February 18, 2005
its all been foolish and wishful thinking on my part.. all the while.. how can it be? will it ever be possible? maybe it will maybe it wont.. probably i should start now but can i do it? counting down and down and down.. to what? the DAY itself...
haiz.. no chance to talk to her again today.. how much more time do i still have to talk to her? how long will i take to save that amount of money? will i be able to make it in time? haiz... must really start saving and spend less money from now on..
Thursday, February 17, 2005
just read that the chief executive of SembCorp had passed away.. dont know who he is but its just so sad.. he passed away yesterday, 2 days after suffering a massive stroke and collapsed on monday evening.. just 1 week ago, it was the 1st day of chinese new year and he must be celebrating with his family. and who will expected or predicted on that joyous 1st day of chinese new year that exactly 1 week later, he will be dead and lying in a coffin.. haiz.. life is really so unexpected.. really no one knows what will happen tomorrow, the day after or next week.. who knows, maybe i may not be around also tomorrow, next week or some other days later with all this headaches and pains here and there. life is merciless.. one moment you are alive and kicking, the next moment you may just drop down dead.. no hints, no clues, nothing...
what a bad day.. so much work to do and still have to study for test this sat.. had such a bad headache again.. this really sucks.. somemore wanted to talk to her but she's not free.. dont know when can talk to her again.. tomorrow morning she prob will be studying her physics and wont be able to talk again.. really going crazy... AAAAHHHHHHHHHH *screaming out loud*
what a bad day.. so much work to do and still have to study for test this sat.. had such a bad headache again.. this really sucks.. somemore wanted to talk to her but she's not free.. dont know when can talk to her again.. tomorrow morning she prob will be studying her physics and wont be able to talk again.. really going crazy... AAAAHHHHHHHHHH *screaming out loud*
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
haiz... was tearing again just now.. wanted to talk to her but didnt get to talk to her much today again.. and she's being cold to me again today.. did i do anything wrong again? haiz..... why are you being cold to me again? or am i too sensitive? cant be that i'm too sensitive.. i know it and i can feel it..
i'm such a failure and loser.. cant even help her to make the cd correctly.. such a simple task and yet i cant do it right. only disapppoint her every time. haiz.. couldnt really sleep yesterday also.. kept thinking of so many things, of what happened yest and was tearing for quite some time.. haiz.. miss her so much.. today is exactly 2 months already.. this 2 months seem like 2 years to me, passing by so slowly.. its such a terrible nightmare which i wish never happened..
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
15feb.. 1 year ago was the first time that i got to meet up with her and sort of talk to her person to person while planning the combined hike routes.. before that, didnt have the chance to talk to her.. everytime is just talking to the whole lot of people as a whole but that day was the first time i got to talk to her in person, face to face..
Monday, February 14, 2005
i'm really such an idiot to have written those entries to disappoint and hurt her again and again.. hate myself so much so much.. today was supposed to be a happy day for her, where she was touched by what i gave her and did.. but now because of all these stupid entries, those feelings are gone, replaced by disappointment.. why must i write those entries? maybe i shouldnt write anymore.. the things i wrote only hurt her more.. havent i hurt her enough? i'm such a big jerk.. really so sorry sharon.. i didnt mean it.. by the time u see this entry, it will probably be a few days later already.. really very sorry sweetheart.. sorry to spoil your happy day.. forgive me please...
so happy to know that she liked the flowers and cushion and the surprise very much. knowing that she liked the flowers and find them very nice, i'm very contented already. nothing else matters, even if it is very expensive.. money doesnt matter to me as long as she is happy and like it. really so happy when she said that it is the best valentine gift.. a pity i cant give it to her as my valentine, as my girlfriend. really wanted to do so but i dont have a chance. if not, it will be the best thing that happen. but still glad that i can give it to her as a friend. hope that i will have a chance to give her flowers on 14feb as my girlfriend next time and that i can get to eat her cookies. when she said i must eat her cookies every year for at least 30 or 60 more years, i wanted to say i wanted to eat them forever, with her baking them for me as my girlfriend and next time as my wife.. i dont want to eat them as a friend but i didnt tell her that and was tearing at that time.. hope she didnt realise that i was tearing.. dont know will have a chance for her to bake cookies for me as my girlfriend again and next time as my wife or not..
today is valentine's day already.. she got the flowers i gave her.. so glad that she received it. was so afraid that it will be given to the wrong person.. valentine's day.. the day i got to know her name and her handphone number last year. thought that this year's valentine's day can be spent with her and that she will be my valentine but in the end, still have to spend it alone aagin.. maybe i am fated to spend valentine's day alone. maybe i am destined to never be able to have a girlfriend or someone who loves me.. maybe in the first place, both of us are not meant or fated tp be together in the first place. fate or heaven must have made a mistake by bringing us together. a very big mistake.. she probably felt that we wont be together or not meant to be together in the first place also. why am i crying again? why cant i control myself? she wasnt meant to be mine right from the start. maybe she shouldnt have called me on the 18th of april last year to clarify things. she should have just let me continue to think that she didnt like me at all. if she felt that we cant be together eventually because of our religion difference, why call me and tell me that she likes me also, and eventually, starting our relationship? afterall, she wants a partner who not only loves her, but also a soul mate whom she can communicate with spiritually. if she knows i cant do so, why call me that day, giving me hopes that this difference can be worked out, but eventually still insistent that it cant be worked out afterall. and why am i so stubborn at that time, insisting that we give each other a chance again when she wanted to end it just 5 days after we started. its all my fault.. i shouldnt have been so stubborn. i brought all this onto myself.. i deserved it. why must such a stubborn person like me exist in this world? maybe i shouldnt anymore...
Sunday, February 13, 2005
went to visit mr mah, my old scout master today.. was waiting at tanah merah mrt station for the rest to come.. thought of our 3rd month anniversart while waiting. took the train to changi airport with her at tanah merah to celebrate out 3rd month anniversary. we were still arguing whether can take the train we are on straight to the airport or not or must definitely change to another train at tanah merah. after the visiting, took bus back at simei mrt station. thought of her also when waiting. simei mrt station, like tanah merah, was a station i went to with her once only. that time was on 15th april. went to simei with her as she went there for her cell group. that day was the day i gave her the piglet watch.. then 3 days later, on the 18th, i told her that i love her.. but now, things are all different already.. tomorrow is valentine' day. hope she will like the cushion and the flowers. dont know if there is anyh guy who has a crush on her also or not and if so, will he do anything tomorrow? will e give her flowers or dedicate a song to her also? what will her reaction be? haiz... really so scared so scared..
went to visit mr mah, my old scout master today.. was waiting at tanah merah mrt station for the rest to come.. thought of our 3rd month anniversart while waiting. took the train to changi airport with her at tanah merah to celebrate out 3rd month anniversary. we were still arguing whether can take the train we are on straight to the airport or not or must definitely change to another train at tanah merah. after the visiting, took bus back at simei mrt station. thought of her also when waiting. simei mrt station, like tanah merah, was a station i went to with her once only. that time was on 15th april. went to simei with her as she went there for her cell group. that day was the day i gave her the piglet watch.. then 3 days later, on the 18th, i told her that i love her.. but now, things are all different already.. tomorrow is valentine' day. hope she will like the cushion and the flowers. dont know if there is anyh guy who has a crush on her also or not and if so, will he do anything tomorrow? will e give her flowers or dedicate a song to her also? what will her reaction be? haiz... really so scared so scared..
Saturday, February 12, 2005
today is a sad sad day with lots n lots of recollection of memories.. was trying to do my work today. was doing till the afternoon when i just cant concentrate any further. kep thinking of the saturdays 4 months ago when we were studying together in my room, on a saturday afternoon just like today.. finally cant take it anymore so went out at 2.30pm. went to jurong point to shop around there. have not been there for quite some time already. last time there was on 4th december. this place also brought back many memories.. saw the sweetalk outlet where we used to buy drinks n desserts like 'ching tang' last time. used to wait for her there at jurong point, shopping and walking around the entire shopping centre last time, till she finish her service. saw the shop from where i bought my first bouquet of sunflower for her from on 8th may. its still there, and so are the other shops in jurong point. after leaving jurong point, took mrt to orchard. along the way, i was looking out of the window and saw our combined meeting hike route where we receed together. the long road commonwealth ave west, where we had so much fun talking, clementi community centre where she saw my speech and laughed her head off, buona vista poilce post where she bought the apple slurpee which is spoilt, queensway sec sch which we used as background to take a photo and jurong east mrt station, the mrt station i went to so many times within a short period of 1 month. memories flooded my mind as i took the train from boon lay to raffles place. teared a bit on the train but i dont care either. when at orchard, i just loitered around alone before going to lau pa sat for dinner. everybody is with either their boyfriend or girlfriend or with their friends. i seem to be the only who is there alone. asked my good friend since sec 1 out yest but he said he's not free as he's going to a friend's house at noon. and when i was still in my room, i saw him online, all the way till i went out at 2.30pm, he's still online.. so much for a good friend.. everybody is all lying to me de.. nobody can be trusted.. i've been a real stupid fool these 22 years, trusting everybody and believe in whatever they said.. even the people closest to me and i trust most also lied to me and betrayed my trust.. now, i learnt to be smart.. i will trust nobody now.. not a single person anymore.. i'm sick and tired of this world.. this fake world, where everybody just 'eat you up' for trusting them too much and being so gullible and stupid.. i uterly disappointed with life now.. its something i dont wish to have now.. a real let down...
had a nice dream yesterday but its a dream which probably wont come true.. had a feeling of sadness yesterday when she sent me an sms, saying that she will go for the temasek idol to leave a leagcy for herself so that next time she can tell her children.. when i read it, i was feeling so sad. it reminded me of last time, when she will say that as our children. now i dont think that will be possible anymore.. life is really so unpredictable.. haiz....
Friday, February 11, 2005
11 feb.. 16 weeks since i prepared my surprise for her brithday celebration and 20 weeks since her prom night, the night she looked so very gorgeous and pretty.. doubt i will have a chance to see her so nicely dressed up again..
Thursday, February 10, 2005
haiz... finally back in my room again after 3 days.. back in the room of memories, back into a place so cold, so lonely, so quiet and so scary. 3 days of chinese new year holidays are finally over. didnt really enjoy myself during these 3 days.. was not in the mood to celebrate and not very excited in the first place.. maybe i may regret not enjoying myself fully to the max next time since cny is afterall one of my most favourite festival and this year, i didnt really enjoy myself. reasons are mainly because i'm still sad n miss her a lot, and 2nd reason is because of my toothache and ulcers, so this cny is quite a not up to standard and enjoyable one..
today's the 2nd day of chinese new year... no program for today except to go to my grandmother's house again. no mood to eat anything because of the terrible toothache.. this sucks sia.. and so very very bored now.. wanted to go out but nobody to go out with.. wanted to go out with her but she is staying at home to study. dont know if i can get to see her during this chinese new year or not also.. she must have looked so pretty in all the new clothes she bought but doubt i will get to see her in them.. cant stop thinking of her these past 2 days.. really miss her a lot and wish to go out with her but guess that's not very possible.. well then, shall stop here for now... byebye.. enjoy your holidays people.. =)
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
today is first day of chinese new year. supposed to be very very happy but i wasnt that happy. was a bit less moody than the other days but feeling a bit more cheerful only. cant really explain my feelings.. it would have been such a great chinese new year if i can wish her happy new year in a different "way". had a sense and feeling of loss and regret yesterday. wanted to say happy new year sweetheart yesterday but i couldnt. saw many many couples who are so sweet and loving to each other in marina square golden village and at the river hongbao. seeing them reminded me of the times we had in the past and which we wont have again.. know you will be reading this entry but i still want to say it in here, since i cant say it out to you in person or in sms. think i have freesom to write what i want and feel like writing ba. "Happy Chinese New Year, my Sweetheart, my dear."
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
hehe... just talked to her and she sounded more cheerful during the talk, although its a very short one. this talk is so so much nicer... hehe.. =)
saw her in sch just now. she didnt even wished me happy new year or shake hands with me. wannted to shake hands with her but didnt dare to. in the end, still managed to wish her happy new year and shook her hands. but she just used her fingers, instead of her entire hand. she didnt even want to shake hands with me now.. she said we are friends but the way she behaved isnt showing it. she seems to be avoiding me, not wanting to talk to me, reply my sms. even when i wished her happy new year, all she did is just smile.. dont know why she is treating me this way also.. are we still very good and close friends like she said she want to be???
Monday, February 07, 2005
just finished talking to her on the phone. the conversation lasted exactly 4min.. just 4min!!! cant imagine that things will end up this way that there is nothing to talk about between us. didnt we used to talk a lot and talk about anything under the sun before we even were together? but now there is nothing left to talk about. is she still angry with me? why and what is she angry about? why why why!!!??? somebody please tell me. what have i done wrong again? why am i always wrong in everything i do? cant i do 1 thing right in my life? why am i born into this world to be so stupid, to do everything wrong, to be joked on by other people so often? why am i such a failure in life? why cant all this end? why cant my life end? why? why make me live such a failure life? somebody spare me........................................
deliberately posted this blog after she went offline. dont want her to see this entry while atill talking to her.. seeing her msn nick is already so heart sinking for me. got the feeling that i probably wont have the chance to be with her anymore. she wants to be fully committed to her religion from now on and that will probably mean that's the end for me. although she also said in the past that she will be with me forever, but i think her msn nick is going to be true and what she said probably wont be true anymore. the "forever" this time is going to come true, unlike all the "forever" in the past. maybe what he said is true, although i refuse to believe even though things now are showing that it may be true afterall. he told me that she wanted to know what is it like to be in a relationship and when she knew what it feels like and has gotten tired of it, she wanted to get out of it and concentrate on her religion. that's why in the first place, she valued me more than anything and now she that she knew what is it like, she has changed her focus. afterall, she find her religion more important deep in her heart, not me. then was probably only a period of confusion of knowing what she really want or love. even up to now, facts may be already right before my eyes but i still refuse to believe him even though he may be right. maybe love has really clouded my vision and i can only see and believe the good part although what i see and believe may very well not be the truth and what others say is. maybe that has made me trust her and believe her all the time. like what she said in nov that she has not made her decision but in fact, she has already been deciding and thinking about it.. just in dec, she also wrote in the book that she has made her decision and that she was glad she didnt lose me or she would have lost a wonderful boyfriend but that doesnt seems to be true. perhaps she has not been true to both herself and me all this while. now that she has made her decision, i suppose she is finally true to herself, to what she really want and love. well, love makes a person blind and sometimes a fool. but i dont regret being blind and a fool. that is also what makes love weird and difficult to understand i suppose. 明知 the person you love may be untruthful to you but yet you still refuse to believe what she said may not be true and what others said may be true and yet still continue to be "fooled". maybe i am such a person but i seriously dont regret it, even if what he said is true.. i have already been fooled and cheated by so many people before just because i place too much trust in other people and believe everything they tell me. i've been gullible and such a fool for so long, so one more time wont make much of a difference either. it doesnt matter to me anymore. the scar is there to stay, and so are the memories, although they may be "illusions", created during a period of confusion. i dont blame her for this scar and i know i wont have much of a chance now that she has decided to commit to her religion. even when she is ready for a relationship, she probably will look for someone of a religion at that time. even though she kept saying she dont know, i know that it is very rare that she will want to be with me again, since afterall, i wont be able to understand her spiritually. what she wants is not someone who can just give her love but also someone who can connect with her spiritually and i am unable to do that. she is just unable to be with somebody who cant understand her totally. maybe the story she told me once about her dad is a hint for me that she will break up with me. can still remember what she said but i'm just too stupid to catch the hint then. dont worry.. i wont hate or blame christianity nor will i blame or hate anybody. i just hate and blame myself, me and only me.. it is my fault and i guess i am serving my punishment now, to be void of all feelings and joy except the recalling of memories. exactly 1 year ago on this day, 1 first got to "talk to her", telling her what to do for the founder's day parade. it felt like its just yesterday. tomorrow is also chinese new year eve and i dont even feel a single bit excited about it. festivals or no festivals, everyday is just the same to me, cold, lonely and gloomy, going through life just like going through motion, doing just what i am supposed to do everyday, nothing more, nothing less. life is but a process to me now, predictable non changing and meaningless.. well, i guess i have to get used to it and i think i am..
Sunday, February 06, 2005
what a bad afternoon.. seldom have the chance to talk to her on sundays and this afternoon got to talk to her but i had to spoil it and make her angry. why am i so stupid? cant even catch or understand a simple joke. i must be the most stupid guy on earth. dont understand why i am so stupid. ah... stupid stupid stupid!!
dont know what else to say bout what i am feeling now. what more can i say? everything is not the same anymore. from that day onwards, i know life is different and all will be changed. deep inside me i wont be able to forget the past and all the memories and they will surface everyday. that will still be making me tear and feel sad and moody everyday until i dont know when either, which probably will be a very very long time or even forever. will be 'living' on these memories from now on and evern though i am still unable to accept this fact, i have no choice. i just have to 'pretend' that i can and take each day as it comes. maybe our 'yuan fen' has really ended, maybe it has never been in the 1st place i dont know. but what i do know is that she has been my everything, my world and my joy. now that she's left me, i doubt there will be much joy left for me. nonetheless, i'll still try to 'lead a normal life', doing my work and the things i am supposed to do. what is different now is that i am now a person with no dreams, no joy and no pride. she was my pride and now i have lost it. a person with no pride has nothing to look forward to in life anymore. i'm now a robot, a machine, void of all feelings except sadness. never regretted loving her although i knew this day will probably arrive one day. love does make one blind. even when you know you will be hurt, you still want to continue plunging into this bottomless pit of forever no return. this, i guess, is the mystery of love, the power of love, making one do things which just cant be explained or understood by the simplest logic. i'm glad i experienced this once, although it didnt or maybe wasnt meant to last. at least i can say i loved somebody once before and still do and this will never change. at the end of my life, if i were to be asked if going through all these for a girl and loving her all the time through the years but yet never get to be together forever, never achieving anything worthwhile or meaningful in life but just living each day away is worthwhile, the answer will be a "YES", and a proud and confident "YES".
Saturday, February 05, 2005
finally got to see her in meeting today again.. been a long long time since she came for meetings. also got to see her at night just now. she looked so pretty in her new black top and the necklace.. wanted to give her a hug but cant do so anymore. can only look at her and admire her beauty but to keep the feelings to myself. had a talk with her just now and that will be the last time i asked her anything.. wont interogate her anymore. so sorry. very thankful for giving me chance to clear my "questions". also got to know that she started making the decision in november, exactly the same period when i felt that our love is diminishing. can feel it so strongly that it is fading and even wondered if she will be there with me. it was also in nov that it happened for the 3rd time. can feel it and knew something was not right but i didnt do anything about it. dont know if i will ever be with her again and it looks like i have lost her now and i dont know, probably in the future. saw so many couples in orchard today, holding hands and so sweet to each other, looking at all the valentine's day gifts. have no chance to ask her to be my valentine this year and probably not ever. life is unpredictable. haiz. dont want to think about tomorrow or the future either. no point thinking, having dreams and hopes. nobody knows what will happen in the future. having such a bad headache and neckache. feels like my spine is injuried like that, cant bend, cant turn my neck etc.. signs of a stroke? hope not.. i rather die than be paralysed. its a fate worse than death, no different from me now. k then.. goodnight. sweetdreams..
Friday, February 04, 2005
today is quite a good day i suppose.. managed to catch up with all the piled up work a bit.. then went back to tjc, where they were having their chinese new year celebration carnival. it was so very different from pprevious years.. this theme is much more interesting. what to do, all the good things take place after my batch leaves.. haiz... got to see her for a while just now also.. bought jellies from her stall which her og set up.. standard very the same as outside stalls..
Thursday, February 03, 2005
is it fate or is it that heaven is being cruel to me again, playing me and trying to inflict hurt into me again? of all topics, the sociology lecture today must be on family, marriage and relationships. why must heaven do this to me? am i not miserable enough? why must the lecture be on family and marriage? talking to her on the phone just now, wanting so much to tell her that i miss her but i cant. when she hanged up the phone, wanted to say the words "take care sweetheart" but again, i cant. wondered if she is thinking of me or has she ever thought of me after we broke up. not in worried about me but just thinking of me, even if its only for just a second. think i sort of know the answer. haiz.. heard her sing on the phone just now. her singing is so nice, her voice so sweet and beautiful. after she get into the idol, more people will soon know her and her talents. probably at that time and very likely it will, she will find herself having more suitors again. at that time, my chances will probably be even lower. or maybe my chances are already zero and i dont have a chance anymore? teared when she sang just now for it reminded me of the times when she sang "cradle", lullabys and other songs to me. will i get to hear her sing songs to me again, just for me? n i really meant it when i said her singing was very good and nice. she said i lied to her last time. was really shocked and hurt when she said that. yes, i may have broken my promise before but i have never ever lied to her before. every single word i said to her are all true from the bottom of my heart. if she still think that i have lied to her before, then i have nothing to say either. i can vow that i have never ever lied to her before. i have broken my promise to her but never once have i lied to her. if any part of what i say is not true, may i die a horrible death..
oh 49th day to me.. oh 49th day to me.. oh 49th day 49th day.. 0h 49th day to me.. haha.. what the hell? am i mad or insane? am i losing my mind? i think i am.. i am going crazy. even if not now, i probably will soon i guess.. who cares a damn? nobody and nobody will.. this world is a bloody unfair, fucked-up world...
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
haiz.. today is really such a lonely day. didnt get to talk to her much or sms her much also.. couldnt concentrate on anything at all. took 5 hours to just complete 5 qn of maths tutorial. was thinking of her and missing her all the while. ah...... life sux... what is there to look forward to? i dont and cant see anything worth looking forward to anymore.. not anymore... the future is dark.. so very dark.. total darkness.........
another bad day today. overslept and didnt get to sms her in the morning. and she didnt send me any sms also.. have not heard from her the entire day. really missed her so much so much and tomorrow will be the 49th day since we broke up. kept recalling about the past today. just being in school, in clementi along made me think of her. can still remember so very clearly how we went to hike out the routes for the combined hike in clementi last year on 12th march. she was laughing at the 'speech' then and i can still see so vividly how cute and sweet she looked when she was laughing at me at that time. that image will forever be imprinted in my mind. it was such a memorable time hiking with her then and on the 14th march, where we were in bukit timah. just outside the lecture theatre, i can already see the building of the clubhouse which we passed by in our hike. how we joked about and me going crazy that time and us going to newton to have our dinner. so many things flashed past in my mind today and all of them are images of the past. meeting her on sat morning at her house bus stop to go to school together for her extra lessons and for my meeting. sometimes she will make breakfast for me, sometimes we will just go to the bakery to buy some bread for breakfast. those days are gone and i wont get to eat the breakfast she made again. her breakfast is really very nice, very delicious. she is a very good cook. but i got no fu qi to eat the meals she cooked anymore, the cookies she baked and the sandwich she make. no chance to wait for her anymore at her house bus stop on sat morning. even waiting for her on sat morning is such a nice and pleasant thing but that is not possible anymore. just being at the aia bus stop brings back so much memories. memories of all the sat nights in the past where i will stop there after sending her home after going out during the day. all the times we went to the gym, going to bedok for durian and a bite after school, the times we went to study together at liang court all flashed past my mind today. cant help thinking of all the things she said in the past too, that she will not give me up, all the sweet things and promises. although they never become true, at least she did say them once and left fond memories for me forever. haiz.. just thought of so many things today. is it beacuse i missed her too much that these images appeared in my mind? or is it a bad sign? hope that her call or sms will come in soon. i got no mood to do anything now..
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
just woke up from a horrible nightmare. why are the nightmares getting from bad to worse? only took a 15min nap from 1030 to 1045 and within this 15min, i can still have such a bad nightmare. this is the worst nightmare i ever had in my entire life. was so afraid. was crying in the nightmare and i woke up, realised that i was also tearing in the real world. my pillow was soaked and wet from my tears. never have i ever been so afraid of my dreams before. this is the 1st time and i was so terrified. kept praying that this nightmare will not come true and nothing will happen. if something did happen, i wont want to live anymore either. touchwood but if anything did happen, which i sincerely prayed that it will not, i will still do all the taking care all my life no matter what, till the day i breathe my last. sincerely pray that nothing will happen and that this is just a dream, never to come true......