Monday, February 07, 2005
deliberately posted this blog after she went offline. dont want her to see this entry while atill talking to her.. seeing her msn nick is already so heart sinking for me. got the feeling that i probably wont have the chance to be with her anymore. she wants to be fully committed to her religion from now on and that will probably mean that's the end for me. although she also said in the past that she will be with me forever, but i think her msn nick is going to be true and what she said probably wont be true anymore. the "forever" this time is going to come true, unlike all the "forever" in the past. maybe what he said is true, although i refuse to believe even though things now are showing that it may be true afterall. he told me that she wanted to know what is it like to be in a relationship and when she knew what it feels like and has gotten tired of it, she wanted to get out of it and concentrate on her religion. that's why in the first place, she valued me more than anything and now she that she knew what is it like, she has changed her focus. afterall, she find her religion more important deep in her heart, not me. then was probably only a period of confusion of knowing what she really want or love. even up to now, facts may be already right before my eyes but i still refuse to believe him even though he may be right. maybe love has really clouded my vision and i can only see and believe the good part although what i see and believe may very well not be the truth and what others say is. maybe that has made me trust her and believe her all the time. like what she said in nov that she has not made her decision but in fact, she has already been deciding and thinking about it.. just in dec, she also wrote in the book that she has made her decision and that she was glad she didnt lose me or she would have lost a wonderful boyfriend but that doesnt seems to be true. perhaps she has not been true to both herself and me all this while. now that she has made her decision, i suppose she is finally true to herself, to what she really want and love. well, love makes a person blind and sometimes a fool. but i dont regret being blind and a fool. that is also what makes love weird and difficult to understand i suppose. 明知 the person you love may be untruthful to you but yet you still refuse to believe what she said may not be true and what others said may be true and yet still continue to be "fooled". maybe i am such a person but i seriously dont regret it, even if what he said is true.. i have already been fooled and cheated by so many people before just because i place too much trust in other people and believe everything they tell me. i've been gullible and such a fool for so long, so one more time wont make much of a difference either. it doesnt matter to me anymore. the scar is there to stay, and so are the memories, although they may be "illusions", created during a period of confusion. i dont blame her for this scar and i know i wont have much of a chance now that she has decided to commit to her religion. even when she is ready for a relationship, she probably will look for someone of a religion at that time. even though she kept saying she dont know, i know that it is very rare that she will want to be with me again, since afterall, i wont be able to understand her spiritually. what she wants is not someone who can just give her love but also someone who can connect with her spiritually and i am unable to do that. she is just unable to be with somebody who cant understand her totally. maybe the story she told me once about her dad is a hint for me that she will break up with me. can still remember what she said but i'm just too stupid to catch the hint then. dont worry.. i wont hate or blame christianity nor will i blame or hate anybody. i just hate and blame myself, me and only me.. it is my fault and i guess i am serving my punishment now, to be void of all feelings and joy except the recalling of memories. exactly 1 year ago on this day, 1 first got to "talk to her", telling her what to do for the founder's day parade. it felt like its just yesterday. tomorrow is also chinese new year eve and i dont even feel a single bit excited about it. festivals or no festivals, everyday is just the same to me, cold, lonely and gloomy, going through life just like going through motion, doing just what i am supposed to do everyday, nothing more, nothing less. life is but a process to me now, predictable non changing and meaningless.. well, i guess i have to get used to it and i think i am..
Happy Chinese New Year, sweetheart.. Hope you have a great and wonderful year..