Sunday, February 06, 2005
dont know what else to say bout what i am feeling now. what more can i say? everything is not the same anymore. from that day onwards, i know life is different and all will be changed. deep inside me i wont be able to forget the past and all the memories and they will surface everyday. that will still be making me tear and feel sad and moody everyday until i dont know when either, which probably will be a very very long time or even forever. will be 'living' on these memories from now on and evern though i am still unable to accept this fact, i have no choice. i just have to 'pretend' that i can and take each day as it comes. maybe our 'yuan fen' has really ended, maybe it has never been in the 1st place i dont know. but what i do know is that she has been my everything, my world and my joy. now that she's left me, i doubt there will be much joy left for me. nonetheless, i'll still try to 'lead a normal life', doing my work and the things i am supposed to do. what is different now is that i am now a person with no dreams, no joy and no pride. she was my pride and now i have lost it. a person with no pride has nothing to look forward to in life anymore. i'm now a robot, a machine, void of all feelings except sadness. never regretted loving her although i knew this day will probably arrive one day. love does make one blind. even when you know you will be hurt, you still want to continue plunging into this bottomless pit of forever no return. this, i guess, is the mystery of love, the power of love, making one do things which just cant be explained or understood by the simplest logic. i'm glad i experienced this once, although it didnt or maybe wasnt meant to last. at least i can say i loved somebody once before and still do and this will never change. at the end of my life, if i were to be asked if going through all these for a girl and loving her all the time through the years but yet never get to be together forever, never achieving anything worthwhile or meaningful in life but just living each day away is worthwhile, the answer will be a "YES", and a proud and confident "YES".