Saturday, February 05, 2005
finally got to see her in meeting today again.. been a long long time since she came for meetings. also got to see her at night just now. she looked so pretty in her new black top and the necklace.. wanted to give her a hug but cant do so anymore. can only look at her and admire her beauty but to keep the feelings to myself. had a talk with her just now and that will be the last time i asked her anything.. wont interogate her anymore. so sorry. very thankful for giving me chance to clear my "questions". also got to know that she started making the decision in november, exactly the same period when i felt that our love is diminishing. can feel it so strongly that it is fading and even wondered if she will be there with me. it was also in nov that it happened for the 3rd time. can feel it and knew something was not right but i didnt do anything about it. dont know if i will ever be with her again and it looks like i have lost her now and i dont know, probably in the future. saw so many couples in orchard today, holding hands and so sweet to each other, looking at all the valentine's day gifts. have no chance to ask her to be my valentine this year and probably not ever. life is unpredictable. haiz. dont want to think about tomorrow or the future either. no point thinking, having dreams and hopes. nobody knows what will happen in the future. having such a bad headache and neckache. feels like my spine is injuried like that, cant bend, cant turn my neck etc.. signs of a stroke? hope not.. i rather die than be paralysed. its a fate worse than death, no different from me now. k then.. goodnight. sweetdreams..