Thursday, February 03, 2005
oh 49th day to me.. oh 49th day to me.. oh 49th day 49th day.. 0h 49th day to me.. haha.. what the hell? am i mad or insane? am i losing my mind? i think i am.. i am going crazy. even if not now, i probably will soon i guess.. who cares a damn? nobody and nobody will.. this world is a bloody unfair, fucked-up world...
exactly 49 days ago, she broke up with me. 49 days since she left me, 49 days since my world collapsed and 49 days without her. had our last lunch and dinner as a couple together 49 days ago. that will be the last time i hold her hands, hug her and call her dear. what happened that day and the last things we did together are still so fresh in my head. so clear, like as if it happened yesterday. still cant accept it that we are no longer together. i just cant believe it but its already a fact. or am i still in some horrible nightmare? if it is, how i wish i can quickly wake up from it. life just isnt the same anymore. beautiful and hopeful days of the past are no longer in existence. days where we used to go out together, hold hands, calling her sweet names and telling her how much i love her or miss her are gone, gone 49 days ago. now, i cant even tell her how much i miss her. i can only do so in this blog, writing down how i miss her n love her. i dont get to talk to her much or sms her also already. know that she is busy but it really is so lonely without hearing from her, listening to her sweet voice or receiving an sms from her. used to receive her calls very often in the past but now, its so rare for her to call. even talking to her in the morning is also so difficult as she has her new friends to be with or schoolwork to do or discuss. everyday waking up to such a tingling feeling in my heart, thinking of her, missing her, wondering if she had a good rest and wanting to talk to her but she is not able to do so. all i can do is to sms her and then talk to her for less than 5min before she has to go. and when she hanged up the phone or stop replying, tears just flowed again. i know i'm weak and cant control my emotions and feelings but i really miss her and love her so much. and to be able to see her and to see her treating me just like a normal friend, and at the same time, unable to tell her my feelings and having to hide it inside my heart is just so painful. well who cares, i'll just endure this bloody pain till the day i cant take it anymore. no point talking about the future also. its all bullshit. dreams and hopes will always as they are, till they come true. one day they remain as dreams and hopes, they will eventually be broken and dashed.. so why bother to have dreams amd hopes? they never come true.. never...... its so much better to live in the days of the happy past than to dream of the better future where you end up heartbroken and live each day in misery. you choose the way you live, people may say. true, but if you are heartbroken, can you really live happily? if you can, you are not heartbroken and wont that be an irony and contradicting yourself? enough said. there's no use saying so much either. probably nothing can change, nothing can get worse anymore.. my world has collapsed. i've lost the girl i love the most, i've lost the person who's most important to me in my life. but else can be worse or more painfu; than this? nothing in this world can be compared to this pain.. NOTHING.......