Saturday, February 12, 2005
today is a sad sad day with lots n lots of recollection of memories.. was trying to do my work today. was doing till the afternoon when i just cant concentrate any further. kep thinking of the saturdays 4 months ago when we were studying together in my room, on a saturday afternoon just like today.. finally cant take it anymore so went out at 2.30pm. went to jurong point to shop around there. have not been there for quite some time already. last time there was on 4th december. this place also brought back many memories.. saw the sweetalk outlet where we used to buy drinks n desserts like 'ching tang' last time. used to wait for her there at jurong point, shopping and walking around the entire shopping centre last time, till she finish her service. saw the shop from where i bought my first bouquet of sunflower for her from on 8th may. its still there, and so are the other shops in jurong point. after leaving jurong point, took mrt to orchard. along the way, i was looking out of the window and saw our combined meeting hike route where we receed together. the long road commonwealth ave west, where we had so much fun talking, clementi community centre where she saw my speech and laughed her head off, buona vista poilce post where she bought the apple slurpee which is spoilt, queensway sec sch which we used as background to take a photo and jurong east mrt station, the mrt station i went to so many times within a short period of 1 month. memories flooded my mind as i took the train from boon lay to raffles place. teared a bit on the train but i dont care either. when at orchard, i just loitered around alone before going to lau pa sat for dinner. everybody is with either their boyfriend or girlfriend or with their friends. i seem to be the only who is there alone. asked my good friend since sec 1 out yest but he said he's not free as he's going to a friend's house at noon. and when i was still in my room, i saw him online, all the way till i went out at 2.30pm, he's still online.. so much for a good friend.. everybody is all lying to me de.. nobody can be trusted.. i've been a real stupid fool these 22 years, trusting everybody and believe in whatever they said.. even the people closest to me and i trust most also lied to me and betrayed my trust.. now, i learnt to be smart.. i will trust nobody now.. not a single person anymore.. i'm sick and tired of this world.. this fake world, where everybody just 'eat you up' for trusting them too much and being so gullible and stupid.. i uterly disappointed with life now.. its something i dont wish to have now.. a real let down...
after leaving orchard, went to lau pa sat for dinner. although only went there once with her and we had already broken up at that time, it still brought back sad memories for me. that night, 21st dec is also a night i wont forget. by right that date should have been my anniversary next year.. bought spinach noodles from the same stall we bought 'guo tie' from on the 21st. 1st time i bought spinach noodles on my own and 3rd time i'm eating it. 1st time i ate it was at the foodcourt in plaza singapura. ate it with her and she was the one who introduced me to this new dish. in fact, she introduced me to many new and nice food when i was with her, dishes and food which i would never have tried on my own if without her. ate my first bowl of 'ban mian' with her, first time tried 'snow ice' with her, tried 'guo tie' for the 1st time with her also.. have not ate any of these dishes ever since she broke up with me. after tonight's spinach noodles, i dont think i will eat any of these dishes again.. they made me want to cry everytime i see these dishes. everything in life now can make me think of her and cry.
also made a very very 'stupid mistake' just now. i'm really such an idiot.. IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT!!! she called me just now because she felt insecure as its vert late le yet i didnt realise it and asked her to call me when she reached home.. its so so stupid of me to do that.. and in the end, when i tried to call her, she didnt want to talk anymore. why am i so dumb? why? can somebody please tell me why? she seldom go back so late de and now she felt insecure and need me to talk to her, i just didnt realise it.. when i was with her last time, we always didnt go out till so late de.. she will always want to be home by 9pm or 9.30pm. but when she is out with her church members, she go home so late.. really felt jealous but i got no right to feel so now.. maybe i'm not somebody important in her heart in the first place, or at least not important enough to make her want to spend more time with, unlike her members, whom she is willing to spend more time with and go back later. this is probably another proof that her religion and members are way more important than i am, to the extend of willing to go home later so that she can spend more time with them. maybe its my wishful thinking that i am important in her life and the reason why she dont want to go home late is because she dont want to get scolded by her dad. well, it doesnt matter now also anyway.. at least i got to know today where i used to stand in her heart and what is really more important to her, important enough to 'nervermind la. dont care' even though she's going to reach home very late.. now i know.. finally...........