Friday, March 25, 2005
hello blog.... fri has ended.. not a 'good friday' though, unlike last year. tomorrow is already sat. dont know if i am looking forward to it or not looking forward to it. saturdays are not the same as those last year anymore. sat are now spent alone for a large portion of time. those times when i look so forward to sat and love it so much is gone. very likely forever. dont even know if i like sat now as they give me such a sense of ultimate loniness, a sense of emptiness, a sense of sadness over something so lost from me forever. how many more of such sat do i have to go through before the arrival of the big day? such a saddening and depressing thought, dont you think so blog? haiz... the painful reality of human existence. though i got to go out with her for a short while, i just had to be late and wasted the precious 30 minutes. i'm such an idiot. after today, wonder when will be the next time i get to go out with her again. looks like there isnt anymore more chances as there wont be any public holidays anymore. really felt that no one in this world understand me. not even my family. had a big quarrel with my dad today and now, i felt even more not wanting to go home. i feel even more alone than ever. used to have someone to talk to and comfort me but now all i have is you. though i can tell you my problems, you are just a blog, unable to response, unable to encourage me. there isnt anyone who will also. i'm just facing the entire world and fighting the battle alone, till the big day. tried to do what i can to repay back what i 'owed' before that day but fate seems to be against me, as always. spent the whole morning trying to bake the cookies and in the end, she had a bad throat and cant have the cookies. all my efforts are wasted but cant blame her also. its just fate like i say. well too bad then. maybe fate wants me to always have something which i 'owe'. it doesnt want me to be clear of debts i suppose. if that's the case, i admit defeat. have already realised that i can never win it. if i can defy it, it's only for the moment and sooner or later, i'll still lose. more than ever in fact. it's payback time i guess. to fate, to her and to everybody.........