Friday, March 18, 2005
know you will be reading this some time sooner or later. why are you so mean to me? why cant you just grant me my wish? all i want to know is just the 2 answers? is it really so much to ask from you? must you really wait till the time when i will not be able to know it anymore then you will tell me is it? or will you even tell me at that time? i guess probably not. know you are trying to move on with your life. i am trying to move on too but i'm stuck. these 2 questions are just going round and round in my head. there you are, happily moving on, as if nothing had happened at all, but for me, do you know what i am going through? all i want to know now are the answers and yet you refuse to answer them. other than that very day itself, you have never seemed to be sad at all. know you had wanted to end it a long time ago but if you had really loved me, how is it that you get over it so fast? is it because like you said, you had already wanted to end it but you just sank deeper. you are feeling a sense of regret that you are in this relationship isnt it? and now that you found the courage to end it, you will never feel sad or look back at it ever again right? why then do you still say that you really hope that we can still be together? deep down in your heart you know you will never be back together with me again. that's why you are trying to forget everything that happened last year and everything that has to do with me right? i'm really so stupid to really believe that there may be a slight chance that we can still be together. and to believe so strongly on what you said that you loved me, that you will never leave me no matter what happened and that whatever you said are true from the bottom of your heart is even more stupid. this strong belief in this is what is causing me all these pain and torturing me now. the moment you said you wanted to leave, you turned around and walked away, without turning back to look even once. and there i am, left standing here to see you walk away without any signs of sadness or feelings. and to think that i also believed what you said last year that you hope you wont be too badly affected and miss me too much after i have entered university as you cant see me very much anymore. from what i see now, you dont have any problems not seeing me at all. not a single bit. and on the contary, you are even getting and moving on so fine that as if we were never together before. you seem so so much happier now, without any signs of sadness at all. maybe i have always been taken for granted, just like how i have always been taken for granted by other people. maybe what you felt towards me before is just gratitude, for always being there for you, to help you, to get things for you, to do things for you. probably that's why you dont feel any sorrow now. what you are feeling is gratitude towards me, not love. dont know if i'm correct or wrong. only you know the answer. maybe after reading this blog, you may realise it. who knows, it may be a turn of tables. last year, after talking to you on the phone late in to the night, i realise that i actually dont love the girl from my jc anymore. this time it may be you instead, with you realising that you actually dont love me at all after reading this entry. know that all the days we had last year are forever history and never going to happen again and what you said in the books and cards are not going to be true anymore. the thought of me forever losing you and never able to be with you again is just so unbearable. hope we are still good friends. maybe it has always been just very good friends on your part? for me, i know i have always treated you as my lover ever since 11 months ago and has never stopped since. guess we are fated to be just friends from the start, never lovers or a couple. but really very happy that i defied fate once and i have no regrets, no matter what is to happen to me next in the days to come. its now 18th of march already. 1 more month to supposedly 1 year since i told you i love you. dont think that day will ever be our day anymore. much that i wanted to, i cant. happy 11 months. good night and sweetdreams. it'll be a better day for you when you open your eyes tomorrow morning and it'll only get better. take care.. goodbye
regards....