Sunday, March 20, 2005
Really miss her so much and cant stop thinking of her, although it’s hopeless. wish to see her so much. After all the things that I have done for her, learning new things so as to grant her what she hoped that I can do, making sacrifices for her, and all I got in the end is just a “I’m very sorry”. It’s just so nice isn’t it? all the sacrifices I made, doing things for her, getting things for her, all in the hope of developing and building up the relationship to make it stronger are in vain. What a stupid guy I am. Don’t think anybody can be more stupid and foolish than me. I must be really ‘blinded’ by love, to think this way and to believe it this way. Thought that the relationship really was strong and stable but I was so wrong. neverthought that it was so unstable and its importance so easily changed by other factors. It was all nothing but based on a condition. The condition of me going to church with her. Just because I’m not a Christian and she cant manage to get me converted she decided to leave me. The relationship was nothing but a way to get me converted that’s all. Will never forget what she said, that she’ll probably never leave me if I had gone to church with her. If I had gone to church with her, she will not leave me but because I didn’t, she left. What kind of ‘love’ is this? Love is not based on any conditions but just true love and true feelings for one another. her love is based on conditions. and to think that she accused me of doubting her love and that my trust is based only on conditions. isn’t her love based on conditions too? This sentence really hit me so hard. So hard that I woke up instantly and saw the whole picture, realizing how dumb I was. I’m just a chip. When she realize she cant win, i’ve become a useless thing to her with no value and she simply just threw it away, carrying on with what she was doing initially, without even looking or wanting to look back. The last time we almost lost each other, I wanted to let her continue what she want but she said she has not given up so I cant too. Believed her at that time she really wanted the relationship to continue and that I am really important to her. But what happened? She probably said that as she didnt want me to ‘dump’ her so that she can ‘dump’ me, so that she will not be the loser but me being the ultimate loser and fool. Guess that’s what she mean by always saying that women can be vicious. Now I finally understood. She can break her promises and yet I have to keep to all my promises. Why am I still even still trying to keep my promises to her? Maybe I should break my promise too, just like how she did to all of her promises and then end off by saying ‘I’m sorry’. This seems to be quite a good idea. Afterall, she has so many people to support her, who in fact, encouraged her to make this decision. So it probably doesn’t matter if I break my promise as they will be there to encourage her when and support her when she is angry that I broke it. or will she be angry? Well, I’m sure she’ll get over it very soon. Anything is possible isn’t it, when you believe. She has already made up her mind to leave and to just stay as friends so just so be it. nothing i do can change anything and i cant win by myself alone when i’m against so many people. I’ve done everything and all i can to try to make this relationship work but it’s her who didn’t want to or who treated it based on conditions. there’s nothing i can do. Done all i can and now if friends is what she want it to be, I’ll just be very good friends with her. Time is running short and low anyway. Probably very short…..