Sunday, March 27, 2005
such a dreadful feeling to wake up to a morning where you know you are going to be alone, alone and more alone. and to know what a big difference it is from last year and this year just made the feeling worse. exactly 52 weeks ago on 28 march was the first time i went to watch a movie with her and took our first neoprint together. really enjoyed myself so much and was so happy then. it was also the day that i 'confirmed' my feelings for her, that they are what they are and not just a passing by feeling. and now, 1 year later, i'm spending the day all alone. life just sucks isnt it? things always have such a 180 degree change. last easter went to the svc with her, went burger king after that and had ice cream from springdale before going home. had such a nice time with her last year but this year, i all alone. quite disappointed that she did not even ask me if i am free or want to go. guess my position in her heart is just merely a normal friend that's all. not a good enough friend to be asked along. how rapid is my drop of my status, from what used to be the most important to very good friend and then to just good friend. now i dont think i even have the word 'good' in front of the word friend. prob just a normal friend to her now, one of the person from her long long list of friends, one whom she once a while contact. soon after the day, i may well be forgotten. just like how i was forgotten by everybody else. too bad for me then. or is it because she know i wont be converted so she dont bother to ask me. it's ok then. doesnt matter either. sort of used to it. called her but yet she said she was busy and will get back to me later. up till now still no reply from her and it's almost 9am, time to meet her friend and she definitely wont reply anymore. the moment she said she will get back to me later or call me later, she most prob wont anymore. expected it already. it's not the first time. so many times she said she will call me later but in the end didnt. another sign that i am strating to be forgotten? just like how she only sms when she wanted to go to bed yesterday even though i was waiting for her sms the whole night. probably. who knows? or maybe it's just that she just doesnt want to talk to me and is just an excuse for hanging up the phone. .. haiz.. maybe i just have to live with this fact and accept it. she has more important friends now and she doesnt have to contact me or sms all the time. i'm just a nobody now.. its already good enough that she still sms me at times and i should be contented. at least i'm not forgotten yet at the moment. she has better things to do in life than waste her time on me like how she did last year. prob i should get on my way to do what i'm supposed to do too. must be more 'hard-hearted'.. must tell myself that to persevere although it hurts so very much. it's pain for the time being and after it has all been done, everything will be alright. the so called 'start-point' has already been reached. soon, it'll all be done.. waiting eagerly for that moment. must make it there no matter what.. i must endure....... definitely must endure and make it.........