Friday, March 11, 2005
why am i feeling so sad and why am i crying? is it because i felt left out just now, that as if i'm invisible and non-existent there? that i'm not important and that her other friends are more important than me?
why am i so thick-skinned to still tag around her, when i know that she will not tend to me? i'm just standing there, following her around like a parasite. why do i like to degrade myself so much? and after the whole event ended, i still want to hang around, trying to look out for her from a distance.
and why do i feel such a strong sense of jealousy just now, from the start till the end? is it because that all her friends are able to stay close to her, with her mum and sister there and that i dont even dare to stay close to them and have to just look from a distance? is it also because that her guy cg friends are so nice to her, so close to her sister, her mum and to her, while i, only said a 'hello' and after which, totally no more conversations? maybe its because i did not get to talk to her at all during the break, but only just following her around like a servant. could it also be that her friend, mostly like the one from nus, can touch her hair with his entire hand, mess it up and she didnt even say anything or push his hand away but yet for me, i just touch her fringe with my fingers only and she move her head away like they are some germs. or is it a combination of all these reasons? hm... i myself dont even know the answer.
but why do i feel jealous in the first place, when i dont have the right to in the first place. could it be that i still love her a lot? or is there some other reasons which i still so not know? that i still love her seems the most logical reason so far. but does she still love me? or has she has a liking for someone else? could it be from her cg? or maybe its her family friend from nus, the one in pinkish shirt with stripes? they seem so close together when walking away after she bidded goodbye to me. is it really that she has liked someone else? kept having this feeling but why do i keep having this feeling?
did she like the flowers or did she appreciate them? all she said is that she appreciated me coming down. nothing more, nothing less. wonder why did i try to do all these things. rushing down to buy the flowers and rushing back again. try to get help from teachers so that she wont see that i had flowers and so as to give her a surprise. but in the end, there seems to be no reaction from her. am i expecting a reaction? i dont know. if i'm not, then why am i doing all these things? is it to try to make her touched again? that doesnt seem to be the reason although subconsciously, it may be part of the reason. did i do all these because i really want to do it from the bottom of my heart or is it because of some other reasons again?
why am i so disappointed when i did not get to do jobweek with her? is it because i wont get to see her? i think this is very likely the answer. maybe its also because i was looking so forward to this weekend and when she's not coming, i was so disappointed. but did i expect this to possibly happen? it doesnt seem so. this time, i really didnt expect her to decide not to go in the last minute. and is not being able to see her again on saturdays the main reason why i was so sad when she wanted to quit ventures? it it also because of this reason that i feel so tired of scouting and dont feel like going for the basic leadership course anymore? think it is. reason why i signed up for it is because i want to be warranted to sign for all her tests so that she can pass easily and get her cca points. since she's intending to quit, what reason is there for me to go for the course or stay on in scouting? reason why i stayed is because she is here. now that she's going to go, i think i shld also.
also, why do i feel so sick about staying in halls and all the committess? why am i so fed up when i have to waste 2 weeks on preparing for events for another committee, resulting in no time to study and do my work again? i dont even feel like doing work or studying anymore and so why am i feeling so fed up about all these committees wasting my study time? is it because a part of me still want to study and is concerned about my studies? or is it because i just dont want to do anything, using the excuse of wasting my study time for not wanting to do anything? joined all the committees in the first place because i really wanted to stay on so that next time can recommend her so that she can get into hall easily. then that time can see her everyday already. another reason is also that i can meet her in the morning before she go to school or study together in my room. but now that she say she will never want to stay in hall and also that she has broken up with me, i have the reason to stay in hall anymore. yet on the other hand, i want to continue to stay as its more convenient. why did i have so many contradicting feelings? what's wrong with me?
haiz.. so many questions and yet i dont have a single answer to anyone of them. will i ever be able to have an answer to these questions? i dont know.. who knows what will happen next. maybe i wont even wake up tomorrow, now that i'm feeling so sick and terrible with such a high fever. i dont wish to care or bother so much. love or die is not up to me to decide.