Friday, March 18, 2005
why are you so mean to me? cant you just answer the 2 questions? is it really so much to ask of you? know you are trying to move on with your life. i am trying to move on too but i'm just stuck. i just want to know the answers that's all. there you are, moving on happily with your life now, but here i am, going through all these. why is it that you dont seem to be a single bit sad at all? other that that very day itself, you didnt seem to look sad. know you have your religion as support but how is it that you can look as if nothing as ever happened at all, as if we have never been together at all? have you felt anything about the relationship at all? you said you want to leave, and you just turned around and walked away, without turning back to look even a single time. how is it that you can actually get over it so fast? unless it is that you do not love me anymore and that you find no value in the relationship anymore so is more than happy to get away from it. know you have wanted to end it in the first place but then sank deeper in to it. think it's because you have regretted getting into this relationship and now that you have the courage to end it, you want nothing to do with me and the past anymore right? you wanted to start a whole new beginning in your life without memories of the past isnt it? and i still believed what you said that you really hope that we can be together again although you do not want to give any confirmations. apparently, you know we will never ever be together again. why then do you still say that? why did i try so hard to try to know about your religion for? it doesnt make any difference. i'm still never going to be with you again. i'm just so stupid and naive. and to think that i believe so strongly about what you said that you will love me forever, that you will never leave me no matter what happened, that i'm your best love, a wonderful boyfriend, that you are so glad that you have found me, that you hope you wont be too badly affected or miss me too much after i go to university as we cant see each other that often, that after we have our ring, you are mine and i am yours already. from what i see now, you are getting along fine, very fine in fact, with all your new friends and your church members. there is no sense of you missing me whatsoever. still cant believe that after all the times we had together, all the close moments we had together, all the contact we had, holding hands, hugging each other, kissing each other, you still wanted to end it. didnt you say that you will never leave me and that we belong to each other already? wondering why i believed so strongly in them. its all because i love you and trusted you. this strong belief is causing me all these pain now. maybe i dont understand this but how can you treat what your cell group leader said as what god wants to tell you? you said on tue that after your cell group leader told all of you to not let cca affect your going to church, you decided that that is what god wants to tell you and so decided to quit ventures. not trying to pull you back into ventures here but what i'm trying to say is that how can you treat what your cg leader said as what god wants to tell you? that is what he feels and wants you all to do, not what god wants you all to do. unless its god himself who said this to you then i have got nothing to say but it's not the case. how can you treat what a person said, although he may be your cg leader as what god wants to say? maybe i dont understand how all of you think, like you said i never will, as i'm not part of what you believe in. but if what you have said about god wanting you to give up this relationship and to leave me is actually what your cell group leader said, then i really feel so 'bu gan yuan'. its he who wanted you to leave me and yet you treat it as god wanting you to leave me. if this is really the case, its just so unfair to me. but i will never know or understand. whether it's really him asking you to leave me and you treating it as god wanting you to leave me, or it's you who dont love me anymore, or it's your siblings pressurising you to leave me or whatever reason it is, i dont know, dont understand and i cant do anything either. what i know is its you who wanted to end this relationship and dont seem to feel any sadness about it and that your attitude has totally changed. maybe i have just been taken for granted, just like how i was always taken for granted by other people. what you felt is probably gratitude for me for always being there for you, for going things for you, getting things for you, for helping you all the time, for showing you concern when you feel nobody is concerned about you. maybe you have mixed up gratitude with love and what you felt is gratitude. i dont know as only you know the answer. maybe this blog will have the same effect as the late night phonecall last year. that call made me realise that i do not like the girl from my jc anymore and maybe this entry will make you realise that what you felt is actually not love? i dont know. i really dont know. what i know is that what you said will never be true anymore. the days we had will never happen again. the past is gone. forever and ever. the thought of me losing you forever and not being able to be with you again is just so painful. maybe my chestpains this time are caused by this longterm misery and sorrow. but you dont have to worry. my life now belongs to one less person. used to belong to the person whom i loved a lot and wanted to be together with forever but now she is gone, so my life belongs to one less person. know that i am all but just a good friend to you now. maybe we are fated to be just friends from the start and not lovers or a couple. but very happy that i can defy fate once and be with you for 8 months and i have no regrets for whatever that will happen to me next. i really have no regrets to what will become of me. now is already the 18th of march. much that i want to, guess we can never make 18th of april our day like what you said in your first entry in the book. well, happy 11 months then. take care. good night and sweetdreams. tomorrow will be an even better day for you when you open your eyes to the morning.
best regards...