Saturday, April 23, 2005
again, dreamnt of her and us together last night, only to wake to discover that it is only a dream and not a reality anymore. maybe its only in the dreams that i can really be happy, living out the way and life i wished for, not in the real world. wondered why things turned out this way. before i told her i love her and before we were together, we were such good friends, joking about anything and talking about everything for hours on the phone. and when we were together, we were so close and so loving together, aren't we? . we dor did i assume wrongly? that's what she used to say also. that we are so loving. we did so any many things together and talked to each other almost everyday, and i made sure i made time to meet her at least 2 to 3 times every week. saturdays used to be the day where we can really spend time together, having meals together, going out or watching movie together, studying together, just simply being beside her and be there for her. really missed all these times. holding her hands, hugging her when on the escalator, just being beside and close to her. suddenly, all these are gone, vanished without a trace. and now, we ended up in this state, she not wanting to talk to me or see me. from the day she left me, the friendship she said she wanted to develop closer has been getting colder and worse by the day, eventually ending up in today's state. what happened that things had to happen and end up so drastically? from being so close together to now being like as if we are enemies or strangers? what have i done wrong that she has to end our relationship and eventually do this to our friendship? i just cant figure out why. last year, we still went to watch shark tale on 20 nov right after my physics exam and who would have predicted that today after my physics exam, i will be all alone and sad. how drastic things turn out. last year, we were still so happy and loving together and now, 1 year later, we are like strangers and enemies. i just dont understand why and cant accept the fact that things ended up this way. everything i did was to make sure i can be with her forever and yet in the end, things turned out this way. just cant accept this blow. what made her change her attitiude so much? is there still love for me in her heart or is there just hatred and resentment for me? didnt she said she really loved me before? what happened that this love is no longer there anymore but replaced by this hatred and feeling? she used to be so concerned and worried about me isnt it? what made her take that away too, that she dont bother about my well being or me, whether i am alright or not. why this change? from what used to be the person who is the most concerned and worried about me ever in this world to now, totally not bothering about me at all. not only have i lost my dear beloved girlfriend, the person i love the most in this world, i have also lost what used to be the closest and best friend i ever had before we got together, someone who i can share everything with. she gave me such a wonderful feeling about life and now, i lost them all. why and what happened? know that its so highly impossible that we will be together again but i'm still hoping that we can because i really really love her very very much and want to spend my life with her. but why must she keep wanting me to move on and not hold on anymore. she know that i'm not able to do so but she still wants me to. does she really not love me anymore and never ever want to be with me anymore? is that the reason why? because she definitely will not be with me ever again so she wants me to give up hope? i dont want this. i dont want. why must it be this way? so many questions but yet no answers to any single one of them. i'm really such a failure and a good-for-nothing. maybe that is the answer to all those questions. maybe it is.