Sunday, October 30, 2005
heh blog, so many feelings inside me but yet i dont know what they are. so mixed, so confusing, so painful. glad that she had a great birthday celebration this year with her cg. dont know whether she remembered the 'surprise celebration' i had for her last year but she still remembered how her cg came to her house to hold a celebration for her. dont know if i should feel glad or feel sad that she prob dont remember or dont want to remember it. glad because she is happy now, sad because after all that i have done for her, it all ended in this state where we will no longer be friends anymore. its already sunday and nothing is heard from her. dont even know if she received the cards, cake, flowers and present. feel like crying now. want to cry now. am crying now. just cant accept the fact that i will no longer be able to talk to her, see her, sms her or have anything contact with her. cant accept the fact that we will be strangers forever. cant accept the fact that i will be out of her life forever. the thought of after spending all the time together last year, together or as friends, and now being unable to do so anymore is just so unbearable. i will keep my promise. i dont know how i will do it, how long i can last, but i will keep my promise. i will keep myself out of her life since that is what she wanted so badly. dont know how am i going to do it, dont know how long i can last, but i will keep it, even if its to do what was supposed to be done last dec. after all that i have done for her, she had actually wanted me to be out of her life so much. this truth hurts more than anything in this world. how long can physical pain take over this emotional pain before i am numb of it? if the day has come when i am numb to physical pain and it can no longer make me 'forget' my emotional pain, what will happen then? i'm already losing control of myself. my heart, my soul, my body hurts so very much. i cant stop thinking of her. i cant stop missing her. i cant get her out of my heart. sharon, why did you enter my heart, enter my life so deeply, only to exit so cold heartedly and leave such an everlasting hole and scar? you should have left me for dead last year. why torutre me this way? stopping me, only to entend my misery. this world has never been fair anyway, isnt it? how long more can my mind and body take this torture? only time will tell. only time can tell and it wont be very long. will i still get to see her 1 last time then? will i still get to hear her voice and talk to her, tell her i love her for the last time then? only time will know.