Friday, December 16, 2005
16 dec. its been exactly 1 year since you left me. 1 year since my world was devastated. been 1 year and the pain is still there, as new and raw as 1 year ago. to deny that i dont love you anymore, that i have moved on will be a lie. yes, i admit that i still love you and i still miss you a lot. i am still wishing that we can be together again although that is almost impossible already since you do not have feelings for me anymore. what can i do, what can i say? i cant do or say anything. i cant even call you, sms you, email you, see you, go out with you or talk to you. is it really so difficult and so much to ask of you to just be friends again? i admit its my fault last time that caused you to do this. but i have already stopped doing so? i am trying my best to keep to my promise. although i am still unable to really move on, but at least i am trying to numb myself. why then do you have to break your promise? didnt you say this feb that i must try the cookies you bake every year on friendship day for at least 30 to 60 more years? didnt you say that we will be good friends? what happened to all these promises? are what you said last year after the bbq nothing but empty promises just to pacify me, to stop me from killing myself. do you mean what you said last year? you know very well how important you are to me, as a friend or as a partner. you know very well how much i need you and you played on this weakness of mine. never have i ever loved somebody so much that i am willing to almost anything for her. never ever has anybody been so important to me that she is even more important than anything else in my life. my friends, my studies and even my family, so much so to the extend that i am willing to not go for my family stuff, to just be with you. you brought so much joy, so much hope and dreams into my life. you taught me so many new things, introduced me to many things i never knew existed. for you, i have also tried doing many things i have never done before. baking cookies, cooking, skipping classes and lectures to be with you, trying out new food and going to new places. i know i am too possesive and i'm sorry. but the reason why i am so is because i was afraid that you may be hurt. you were always so careless, hitting yourself here, knocking yourself there. everytime i knew you were out, i was so worried about you, worrying whether you will be alright. even after you have cut off all contact with me, i am still worried about you and thinking about you even though i do not know what or where you are at that moment. my friends tell me that you are not worth me worrying so much for you but i just cant not think about you. the place you have in my heart is already permanent. had really wished and wanted so much to be together with you forever. so much to the extent that i went to places like taka and robinson and looked at all the family and home stuff, looking at all the cutlery, untensils, thinking of what to buy to entertain our guests next item, how to furnish our home, how to do up the kitchen for you and what to get for the kitchen so that you can do all your cooking with ease. all these dreams are all destroyed 1 year ago, and probably never to come true again. everytime i see your photos, everytime i do something or go somewhere that we used to do or go to together, my heart hurts so much and the wound just got bigger. on the streets, i will sometimes see people who look so much like you but yet its not you. i dont even know whether i want to run into you and see you on the streets. on 1 hand, i wanted to see you again very badly but on the other hand, i was afraid of seeing you. what will the situation be if we do run into each other? are we able to say hi and have a small chat, or will you just ignore me totally and pretend that you do not know me at all and we are strangers? on 1 hand i hope that we can be friends again and say that all i want is just to be friends with you again but yet on the other hand, i do not want to be just friends with you. deep inside, i still want to be with you, marry you and live with you. for the past 7 months since you cut off all contact with me, i do not know whether i want to be just friends again with you. i know that its almost impossible to be with you again but i am still wishing and hoping. i do not want to be only friends with you. can call me greedy, wanting for more although i know i wont get it but that is what i really want deep down my heart. although i do not know how you have been since april, i know and i can feel that you have changed. you probably are no longer the sharon i used to know, having grown more matured, stronger and more independent, but i believe what made you you is still the same and it will never change. no matter how you may have changed, you will still be you and i still love you as i have loved you last year. the thought of seeing you walking along orchard road, holding another guy's hands gave me so much pain inside my heart. the pain of seeing you hold another guy's hands when the person used to be me. the thought of geting to know 1 day that you will be walking down the aisle and taking marriage vow at rom with another guy really cause my heart to hurt and bleed so much. i just cant bear the thought of it but yet it probably will that way. i just cant imagine how am i going to take it when these 2 thoughts come true. i really dont know. will i be able to take it in the first place? chances that i wont be able to. i know. i will never be able to take such a blow again. why must things turn out this way? why is heaven so cruel? why are you so cruel? after all that i have done and sacrificed for you. dont they mean anything to you at all? not even a single bit? i have already said i am sorry. why cant you forgive me just this once more? didnt you use to say that no matter what i have done wrong or how serious is the mistake, you will forgive me? i really am sorry. its already been 7 months plus since you cut off all contact with me. its a long enough time and i have learnt my mistake. please forgive me once more. please sharon? dont do this to me anymore. i cant take it any much longer. i really wish to be like in the past again, able to talk to you, go out with you, eat with you and be friends again. can you please give me another chance? i need you sharon. i miss you so very much. miss your voice and miss seeing you. give me 1 last chance to be friends again.. please sharon.. you have punished me long enough. please... i'm sorry.. i really am...........