Tuesday, December 20, 2005
still thinking of you. still missing you a lot. still wondering what you are doing now and how are you. but i will never be able to get answers to them. wanted so very much to sms you or call you. know that you will never answer my call or reply my sms. so painful, difficult and heart piercing to stop myself from calling or sms you since you wanted me out of your life. i will keep to my promise. probably wont be for long too. somehow, really wish that this will all come to an end soon but yet i cant end it myself. can only leave it to god and fate. still challenging them to see who will be the winner in the end, although i know they will be the winner. but they are taking such a long time. trying to lengthen my suffering? if one day soon they did win, will you know it? how long before you know that i have lost? was in pain the entire day today. chest hurting so much and how i wish i can talk to you and hear your voice but yet i cant and can only take the pain and bear with it myself silently. do you know how badly i was thinking of you today and everyday? do you know how i felt when i saw somebody who looked like you but was not you?do you know how much i wish to be able to watch a movie with you again? do you know how painful the rush of emotions is when i passed by places where we used to have so much laughter together in the past. can still visualise your smile and laughter and the expression on your face, something which i may never get to see again. where are you when i needed support from you? where are you when i am in pain and need some comfort and encouragement from you? next week will be the release of results. so afraid and same thing, you wont be there for me, unlike what you said last year. dont dare to know my results. really wish that i will not get to that day. in this way, wont get to know my results and also it will be an end to all the suffering now. been a year but yet i am still feeling the pain. know something? i am constantly making a silent agreement with god that if i am able to spend 1 day with you, to go out with you, to see you 1 more time, to talk to you 1 more time, i can die in peace. will my wish be fulfilled or will it be just like other dreams and wishes, never to come true? losing you is already my biggest regret. is god really so cruel as to not even let my last wish be fulfilled? will you fulfill my wish? or will you still continue to hate me and want me out of your life, never to have contact with you again? if that's the case, your wish will come true the day god wins and i lose the challenge. when that day comes, i will really be out of your life forever. when will that day come? how much longer must i wait? will it arrive? cant care much anymore. the only thing on my mind now is you. you and only you, whether i be able to see you 1 last time in person and not photos. this is killing me. slowly, bit by bit, day by day. guess you must be sleeping now. goodnight and sweet dreams.