Tuesday, December 20, 2005
without realising it, its already 20 dec and the holidays will be over soon. cant really remember how the past 20 days of holidays were spent. everything was so fuzzy, so hazy. only remembered waking up each day, feeling an immense pain and feeling of missing you, thinking of you, wondering how have you been, whether you have had a good rest. this is what you used to feel right? that's what you wrote in one of your entries in the book. i felt the same too, all the time ever since i told you that i love you. missed those days so much, whether we are together or as friends. really wished that i can go out with you on christmas eve, christmas, new year eve or on new year. know that it is already very highly impossible that we can ever be together as a couple again. you will never accept as long as one day i did not convert. but somehow, the stubborness in me still refuse to give up hope. knowing that you will possibly never love me again, i still love you as much as the very first day. know that this will only cause me misery but i cant help it. my heart still loves you, my mind still thinks of you, my soul still miss you. need you to be there for support on so many occasions but you are not there. even now, i am beginning to feel so tired of scouting. so many 'conflicts', so many disagreements inside. during those times when i am feeling even more down, how i wished i can give you a call, to talk to you. think you will probably feel that i need to be stronger emotionally and not rely on you. but i have never ever been strong in the first place. on the outside i may seem so but in fact, i am actually extremely week. my soft-heartedness is my biggest weakness, to be so weak emotionally. if i have been stronger and not so soft hearted, i wont have given in to your crying 1 year ago after the bbq. and if i have not given in, tomorrow will be my first death anniversary. i wont be left here to suffer all myself. you said you will always be there for me whenever i needed someone to talk to but you left me all alone so suddenly. i needed to talk to you now but where are you? what have i done wrong that you must do this to me for such a long time? the year is already coming to an end? cant we start all over again? cant you give me a chance? just 1 more chance. that is all i ask for. is it so difficult and so much to ask of you? wanted to ask you out during christmas eve but know that you will be having your service. furthermore, i dont dare to ask in the first place too. that will be breaking my promise again. how can i get to you without breaking my promise? how can i try to ask you? i'm losing my mind and body like this. making myself extremely tired mentally and physically to try to numb myself but it doesnt work. only you can save me now. nobody else can. will you save me or will you leave me here to wither away and to die eventually? can you really bear to do so sharon? after all that i have done for you in the past? if you can bear to do so, i have nothing to say and i will never regret it. perhaps that will be the best ending for both of us. like how it has always been, you have the final decision and whatever the outcome, it depends on you. rest well my dear. i love you and always will. till the end of my life.