Monday, January 30, 2006
its the 2nd day of the chinese new year today. had a dream this morning. a dream of you. do you know? well, you wont know about it, will you. it was such a beautiful and sweet dream. its so vivid, so real, as if its a reality. your voice in the dream sound so clear, so real. its as if you are just right there, talking into my ear by my side. you were just there, by my side and my left arm was ard u. you were there, asking me to hold you, otherwise you wont 'want' me anymore jokingly. of course i would be more than willing to hold you. but just as i did that, i woke up from the dream. tried to go back to the same dream again but did not succeed. even in reality when we were still together, dont remember you asking me to hold you before. can feel that i was so happy in the dream when you asked me to hold you. this dream was so painful that i wanted to cry when i woke up. has been suppressing my tears the whole day. was already feeling very 'xing ku' already since last thur. never ever got the chance to spend chinese new year with you before. last year at least still had the chance to talk to you on the first day on cny and wish you happy new year on the eve and you replied. this yr you didnt reply. i know you wont in the first place. dont even know if you even receive my sms or not. maybe you have even blocked my number too. all this had already made me feel very sad and with the dream this morning, the ache in my heart is so great. how i wished i can see you and talk to you again. saw you last thur in tj but yet i dun have the courage to say hello or wave, but instead, i turned around and walked in the opposite direction. only regretted after i left tj. i had gone against my heart. wanted so much to see you or talk to you and when i had a slight chance, i didnt grab it. God prob gave me that chance but yet i didnt use it. in a way, had i gone against His will? afterall, i did pray that i will be able to see you and i really did, among all the people there. always managed to see you among many people, ever since the first day we knew each other. has it been God's will right from the start? is there really no such thing as luck or coincidence or fate or chance? is it really all His plan and will from the start? i really always had no difficulty trying to locate you in crowds. but i went against that opprotunity given to me last thur. and when i regretted it, i had no more of such chance again on fri. you didnt go back to tk on fri. and ever since then till now, i have been feeling the regret and ache in my heart again. and when i had the dream this morning, the feeling intensified. it was so bad that i wanted to cry the moment i woke up but i suppressed it. if i was back in hall or outside, i would have broken down in tears. suddenly, i seemed to have lost all faith in Him again. is this what you call the devil's works? to make me lose faith in God? right now, i'm in fact in almost the same state as last december when you first left me, when i still have no faith at all. i really dont know what to do now at all. i had really wished to see you and talk to you again, but i know its almost unimpossible. you wont want to meet or see me, will you. you probably still hate or distess me now. there are some things i wanted to tell you but its not the time yet and i dont dare to either. dont know how you will see it or interpret it even. who knows, you may get the other interpretation and things may even get worse, although its already extremely bad now. i'm at such a loss now. i'm in such pain now again. what should i do? what can i do? its chinese new year but yet i have no chance to see you or wish you happy new year. and i have this regret of not being able to do all these this year so much in my heart. got the feeling of having to wait for 1 whole year before i have the chance to wish you, to have the chance to see you again on cny but yet i have this feeling of not sure if i can get to next year's cny. in a way, i feel kind of scared, kind of a big regret. i really wish to see you again, or go out with you again but will i ever again? i know i should not think of all this but the dream made me do so. i'm really losing faith. still remembered the tj cny celebration carnival last year. your stall was making selling jelly. that scene is still so clear in my mind. arg... all the past scenes is appearing before me again after the dream. one by one. the more i write this, the more i want to break down into tears already. i cant do so now. not now. not in front of everybody. think i shall end here.
happy chinese new year sharon. may this year bring you great health, all your dreams and wishes come true, good results for your studies and smooth success in everything you do. happy new year. have a great holiday. take care and good night.