Thursday, February 01, 2007
sigh.. what is it that i want? what is my purpose? what do i want to do? believe it or not, i dont know the answer to these questions . have been feeling so very troubled lately. so many problems, so many issues, so many worries. and they are affecting me. feeling so very tired. tired of? i dont know. everything i guess. school, personal life, dreams. virtually almost everything. and now another issue arises. let me ask you a question. have you ever worked so very hard for something, and just as you are beginning to see the fruits of your labour, everyting is taken away from you? your labour, your fruits, your sweat and blood. i guess everybody had experienced this feeling before. and so do i. many many times. and in fact, it is happening again. right now. somehow, life is really unfair. life has never been fair in the 1st place, i know. but this is really just TOO unfair. why Lord? why is it that everything i do, i dont get to enjoy the fruits of my labour? i know and am also already prepared that some day, the fruits that i have harvested will eventually have to be given away for others to enjoy. but why am i feeling "sore" about it now? is it because i have yet to enjoy the fruit after working so hard for it? is it because they are taken away from me before they are ripe, before i can nuture more care into it? or is it because of some other reasons? i dont know. i kept asking myself this question as i did my quiet time and prayed just now. give me an answer Lord. help me out of this horrible feelings. right now, i feel that i dont even understand myself at all. i cant even understand why i am feeling so horribly. such a failure arent i? to actually not understand oneself. but thats me. not understanding myself well. my mind feel so blocked, so clogged with unsolved and unanswered questions and a whole long list of things which i dont know what to do about. i feel so sick, so tired, so unfairly treated and justified but what can i do about it? is there anything i can do about it? i can only turn to You when i have such problems, to escape them temporarily. but they still come back to haunt me. guide me Lord. help me. problems after problems, worries after worries, there is only so much i can endure. help me please, my dear Almighty.