Monday, May 07, 2007
sigh. how shall i start this post? i'm feeling so emotionally, mentally and physically drained now. been going through a tough battle the past week. lots of thinking, lots of negative thoughts even before anything is done, lots of fear and now, a feeling of miss, if such a phrase do exist. was talking to w.l. yest morning, ie, sun morning, till 2am, since its already mon at this time now. she gave the suggestion that i go there and give a surprise. but ultimately, we kind of decided that it was not a good idea after all. at bout 230am, i went off to bed to catch a short 2.5hr slp before waking up at 5am to get ready to go for service. during that short period of 2.5hr of slp, i dreamt that i went there. cant remember the whole dream but few scenes were vivid. was sms-ing a*r and replies were received. its a very weird dream as i was in front of a*r but we were sending sms. just before i woke up, i saw a*r typing and 2 of the words were "last words" as its already time to board. that's the end of the dream and i woke up. didnt know that subconsciously, i have actually been thinking about going there. i dont deny that i have seriously thought of really going there. thought that after deciding that its a bad idea, i will not be thinking bout it but yet my subconscious mind is thinking bout it all the while. sigh. and this is not the only time. throughout this past week, a*r appeared in my dreams for at least 3 or 4 nights, excluding yest's morning dream. have been thinking too much bout a*r and worrying too much in the day this past week. i dont know why i am thinking this way when i have not even said it yet. and this question was answered this morning. God told me why. He never fails to tell me answers whenever i am having trouble and problems. as Pastor Prince preached His words this morning, my mind is indeed the cause of all these emotions that i am having this past week. i have fallen into the devil's trap, letting my mind be the mastermind, literally, behind all these. felt much relieved and better after the service today. God's words are ever so timely, coming at a time when they are most needed. but though i felt more relieved, i still am having the feeling of emptiness as a*r is away. i have let my emotions run out of control this week. should have kept it under control, just like how i had kept it under control for the past close to 1 yr. because i have let it run wild, i am suffering for this action now. its really a painful feeling to be missing somebody, esp when he/she is away. i need peace and tranquility in me now. shall heed Pastor's advice and rem some verses about peace, peace of heart and mind. i need them badly now. can only pray for the best now.
"A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones." - Proverbs 14:30