Friday, January 28, 2005
as usual, feeling very very down again.. in fact, was tearing again. dont know will there ever be a day when i can dont cry anymore. i wish i can stop but i cant seem to be able to. everybody ask me to try harder but this pressure and stress is getting too much for me to bear, just like what another friend said. i have to relieve this pressure but i dont know how to. feel that i am really losing my mind and sanity and the future seems so bleak to me. dont think i will ever forget her or get her out of my mind or life. i'm into this too deep, to a point where there is no return for me. never ever love a girl so much and felt this way for her before. no doubt i had a few crushes in my sec school and jc and was heart-broken when i didnt get to be together with them. was devastated then but soon the sadness disappeared. i didnt even cry over it then. those are just puppy love and passing love. this time, things are very very different. i know this is definitely not puppy love. my love for her is true, genuine love, not just a passing by love. gave my everything, my 100% of care, attention into this relationship. but things are just not meant to be i guess. maybe i am destined to be unable to have a girlfriend or a relationship. nonetheless, i'm glad that at least, i once had some happy times together with her, know the feeling of truly being in love, even if it is to be that i suffer for it now, for the rest of my life. i know that i will never ever be able to be back to what i was like in the past. deep down my heart, i know that this wound will never heal and by being unable to heal, i will probably pay for it with everything. all the feelings of missing her, tearing everyday, being in a daze is starting to get a toll on me, on my sanity, my health, my life, my schoolwork, my everything. its not that i dont want to pick myself up again. i've promise her not to hurt myself and i will keep to my promise this time. know that i have broken my promise once and cant be trusted but this time, i am really trying very hard to keep to my promise. really dont know how much longer i can take this. but whatever happens to me in the future, be in me losing my mind, or my life or my future, i wont blame her and i hope people will not blame her as well. it really wasnt her fault. if someone is to be blamed, then i am the one to be blamed for everything. i am the cause of all these. i should have known right from the beginning that there is a chance that we wont possibly be together but i still went ahead to love her, more and more with each passing day, to the point that she is my everything, with my world revolving around her. should have controlled my feelings last year and restrained myself but i didnt. in a way, feelings of the heart cant be restrained. and now that she has broken up with me, i am feeling the greatest pain ever. even so, i did not regret my actions or what i did. loving her and being together with her was the greatest thing and best thing that has ever happened in my life. sad you may think, that this is actually the best thing in my life, but yes, having a relationship with her once was the best thing in my life and i thank god for it. for letting me know her, love her and to be together with her once, for leeting such a wonderful and sweet girlfriend to come into my . even if i were to lose my mind or die from this, i still will not regret the decision i made 9 months ago. only regret i have is me unable to accept her religion and to spend the rest of my life together with her. she is the 1st girl whom i love so deeply and it will always remain this way. even if her love for me dies out as time pass by, mine for her will never be. even if it is to be that i never recover from this wound or how painful it gets, i will still love her forever. my relationship with her once will be the 1st and last relationship i have, and she will be the last girl i love. i made this promise and vow in the past and i will not break it.
